Meg's Story: Learning How To Value Myself After Experiencing Abuse
Meg's experience with BetterHelp after abuse
Tried in-person counseling
"I have tried other forms of counseling. I did in-person counseling as a child when my parents divorced, and my mom wanted us to have someone to talk to. I have also been to counselors at different points in my life. Most recently, I went to a guy through a friend's suggestion, and although he provided me with a safe place to talk about my challenges, he had a more passive listening style.
Dissatisfied with the value of appointments
I was dissatisfied with my appointments with this therapist because I often felt judged and weird about letting all the layers of myself out in front of him. I also needed a more active approach to therapy. I am a doer—I like to solve problems by physically acting and making changes. Having someone to listen to me is helpful, but I can get that from friends. I like professionals that can give me tips and tricks to overcome my insecurities.
Hesitated to try online counseling
Honestly, I hesitated to try online counseling because I had always felt forced to do it. I wanted to work through all my problems independently, and I never wanted to discuss them with someone else because I thought I was strong enough to handle them independently, as I always have. Cost also played a huge role in my apprehension to do counseling. It was often expensive, or my insurance did not cover the counselors I liked.
Signed up with BetterHelp
I found an ad for BetterHelp on Instagram because my friends and old roommates were using it, so it kept popping up on my feed. I ended up signing up because I needed to find someone to talk to about my major insecurities affecting my daily life. I researched and decided it might help me since my schedule has been busy.
Learning how to value myself after experiencing abuse
I needed help
I have a past of severe sexual abuse and manipulation that I have suppressed for years. In January, there had been a significant development in my memories of my past, which involved one of my best friends. I finally had the courage to speak to my mother about it. After 10+ years, I decided I needed help because it affected how I viewed myself and harmed my self-worth.
Significant improvements
My first phone call with Tricia, my counselor on BetterHelp, was on July 2nd. I have spoken with her at least once a week and sometimes twice a week. I've also had a few exchanges with her via the message room, not always on the phone. Since starting therapy with Tricia, I have noticed some significant improvements. I have started to learn how to value myself more than I did before. I have been taking a different look at myself than when I started, and Tricia gives me cues and exercises to complete when I am feeling down or upset. She is an active listener and gives me real-time advice rather than being a passive listener.
Effective tools to overcome hard times
I've learned so much from Tricia, even in my limited time working with her. Now, I have effective tools I can use when I'm feeling down or going through a hard time. She has given me a valuable perspective and helped me be more mindful and open about my struggles.
I appreciate BetterHelp for helping me value myself after experiencing abuse
So far, my most significant achievement has been making strides toward changing my perspective on myself. I have been adjusting my attitude over the past few weeks, little by little, and it has made such a difference. Exploring boundaries and how I can set them up for myself in existing and new relationships has been a significant milestone. I love that I can write down what happens so that Tricia and I can explore it again later. BetterHelp has been a fantastic service for me."
Counseling options
Meg's experiences with Tricia are part of an extensive group of thousands of clients who use online therapy to find support. As Meg mentions, online therapy through platforms like BetterHelp can offer flexibility in scheduling for those with a busy schedule, and you may be able to message your therapist 24/7, receiving responses when they are available.
Effectiveness of online therapy
With an online platform, you can be matched with a counselor with experience in abuse, among many other topics. In addition, research shows that online therapy can be as effective as in-person therapy and often more cost-effective.
Takeaway
Frequently asked questions
How to be kind to yourself after abuse?
Recovering from abuse is possible. There are helpful strategies that an individual can practice to help them recover from an abusive experience. One strategy is making self-care and self-love a priority. Reconnect with your friends and family. A strong support system is essential for the recovery process. Also, seeking help from a mental health professional, such as a therapist, can make a difference.
How can we overcome the effects of abuse?
Abuse can have a range of negative effects on mental health, physical health, and overall well-being. Some examples include chronic stress, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), substance use disorders, and anxiety disorders. Overcoming these effects may be easier with professional help, emotional support, and healthy coping skills. If you’re in the process of moving forward after abuse, the following tips may be helpful:
- Ensure that you’re physically safe from the abusive person.
- Seek support from trusted friends, family members, and others in your community.
- Remind yourself that your experiences are not your fault.
- Practice setting healthy boundaries in your relationships.
- Avoid using substances like alcohol or drugs to manage your feelings.
- Practice self-care activities such as exercise, healthy eating, hot showers, meditation, or constructive hobbies.
- Connect with other survivors to remind yourself you’re not alone.
How do you cope with trauma positively?
The ability to cope with trauma in a positive way may make it easier to find healing and move forward after a traumatic experience. Some examples of positive coping strategies include:
- Taking care of your physical health by eating a nutritious diet, practicing good sleep hygiene, and getting regular exercise
- Using activities like music, art, journaling, or physical activity as an outlet for your feelings
- Developing strategies for managing symptoms of anxiety or panic, such as deep breathing exercises, short bursts of exercise, or calling a friend
- Allowing yourself to feel what you’re feeling
- Remembering that recovery can take time and setbacks are nothing to be ashamed of
- Seeking professional help from a counselor or trauma-informed therapist
How to fix emotional abuse?
It is rarely possible to “fix” emotional abuse if the abusive partner is not fully and honestly committed to changing their behavior. In these situations, you may want to focus on recognizing abusive behavior and taking steps to prioritize your well-being. If you’re concerned you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship, the following tips may be helpful:
- Watch for warning signs of emotional abuse, such as possessiveness, excessive criticism, controlling behaviors, gaslighting, or verbal abuse.
- Educate yourself about what emotional abuse can look like and how it can affect survivors.
- Set and reinforce clear, non-negotiable boundaries about behaviors that are unacceptable in your relationship.
- Seek support from trusted friends, family members, colleagues, or resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
- Talk to a licensed therapist.
- Remove yourself from the situation if your safety might be at risk.
How will you promote positive emotional coping strategies?
Positive emotional coping strategies can be useful in the aftermath of trauma or abuse. These behaviors, mindsets, and activities may help with processing your experience, rebuilding self-esteem and confidence, and taking care of your well-being. Practical ways of promoting these habits in your life include:
- Get in the habit of challenging negative thoughts and beliefs you might be having about yourself or your experiences.
- Practice acknowledging and validating your feelings without judgment or self-blame.
- Stay engaged in hobbies that you enjoy.
- Take a few minutes each day to practice grounding exercises or meditation and become more present in the moment.
- Maintain a social support system, whether family, friends, or a support group for trauma survivors.
- Set healthy boundaries by saying no to activities, relationships, and behaviors that don’t support your recovery.
What are positive coping statements?
It can be common for people who have experienced trauma to experience shame, low self-esteem, or negative thoughts about themselves and the world. Some examples include:
- “What happened was my fault.”
- “I’m never going to feel better after this.”
- “I should have done something to prevent this from happening.”
- “I should just get over it.”
- “Nobody can be trusted.”
Positive coping statements, sometimes called positive affirmations, are statements you can use to replace these types of negative self-talk. Some examples of positive coping statements include:
- “My feelings are valid.”
- “The truth is that this experience does not define me.”
- “I am not to blame for what happened.”
- “There are others who care about me and are here to support me.”
- “I am worthy of happiness, healing, and hope.”
- “I can move forward and find joy.”
How do you cope and manage the impact of trauma?
Managing the impact of trauma can be challenging on your own, which is why you may benefit from outside support as you begin your recovery. Connecting with people you have healthy relationships with can be a source of hope and a reminder that you’re not alone. If you’re not sure where to turn, professional support from a therapist or counselor may also be helpful. Consider the following tips if you’re looking for help managing the impact of trauma:
- Share your experiences with family members or friends you have a close relationship with.
- Join a support group or meetup for trauma survivors through the National Alliance on Mental Illness or other local organizations.
- Reach out to your insurance provider for a list of trauma-informed counselors or therapists in your network.
- Seek help from local community mental health centers, which offer low-cost or free mental health services to anyone in need.
- Connect with hotlines like the Crisis Text Line or the National Domestic Violence Hotline for immediate support.
How do positive coping strategies help?
After physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, your gut instinct might be to use substances, engage in risky behavior, overeat, or overwork yourself as a way to manage your feelings. These behaviors are considered negative coping strategies because although they might make you feel better temporarily, they may hurt you more than they help you in the long run. Positive coping strategies, such as self-care, counseling, and self-compassion, are a more constructive alternative to these behaviors. Managing the effects of trauma in healthier ways can help survivors heal by allowing them to process their emotions without hurting their mental, physical, or emotional health.
What are the coping mechanisms of abuse survivors?
Survivors of abuse might use a variety of coping mechanisms to manage their feelings and process their experiences. Coping mechanisms can be positive or negative. Positive coping mechanisms are healthy strategies that support recovery and overall wellness, such as:
- Getting professional mental health support
- Building a support network of other survivors, family members, or friends
- Engaging in constructive hobbies that allow you to feel a sense of purpose
- Taking care of your physical health
- Practicing mindfulness, yoga, or journaling to explore the relationship between your thoughts and feelings
In contrast, negative coping mechanisms are strategies that tend to make recovery more difficult or have other negative side effects. Some examples of negative coping mechanisms include:
- Isolating yourself socially
- Using drugs, alcohol, food, or work to distract yourself from your feelings
- Practicing self-harm
- Burying or pushing away the feelings and thoughts associated with the abuse or trauma
- Engaging in risky or dangerous behaviors
How can we help the people who are experiencing abuse?
If you’re concerned that someone you know is experiencing abuse, you might not be sure how to help. Recognizing the signs of abuse, such as unexplained injuries, social withdrawal, and emotional or behavioral changes, is often the first step. If you notice these or other concerning symptoms, consider finding a secluded place to talk to them about their situation using the following tips:
- Keep the conversation focused on them and their feelings.
- Gently express your concerns without judgment.
- Avoid making accusations or using insults.
- Offer your support, even if it’s just a listening ear.
- Don’t pressure them to discuss their situation, but let them know you’re there for them if they ever need to talk.
- Encourage them to seek help from local domestic violence agencies, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or other resources in your area.
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