Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents: Therapy For Mental Health And Emotions
Being emotionally immature can have various effects on a person’s relationships, daily functioning, and overall well-being, but it can also affect those around them. A parent who is emotionally immature, for example, has the potential to negatively impact their child’s well-being in various ways. Here, we’ll explore the concept of emotional immaturity, its possible causes, and the potential consequences of emotional immaturity caregivers. We’ll also offer suggestions for adults coping with the effects of emotional immaturity in their childhood and tips for how to break the cycle within families.
Defining emotional immaturity
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines emotional immaturity as a “tendency to express emotions without restraint or disproportionately to the situation." The term is sometimes used interchangeably with “maladjustment.” Conversely, emotional maturity is characterized by high and appropriate levels of emotional control and expression.
Potential root causes of emotional immaturity
There isn’t one, singular reason a person might show signs of emotional immaturity. Instead, it's usually due to a combination of factors. Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), untreated mental health challenges, neurodevelopmental disorders, and insecure attachment styles are all examples of potential causes of emotional immaturity. ACEs like childhood trauma, abuse, and neglect may be the most common.
Understanding emotional immaturity in parents
Emotionally immature parenting behaviors can range from mild to severe. At their mildest, a parent or caregiver might exhibit minimal mood swings, occasional bouts of selfishness, or occasional aloof behaviors. At their most severe, emotionally immature behaviors can be seriously damaging to the parent-child relationship and strongly negatively impact the child's mental health and self-esteem.
Common traits of emotionally immature parents
Traits of emotionally immature parents can be diverse and, sometimes, contradictory, which makes it challenging to identify “typical” emotionally immature behavior. For example, a parent might sometimes act controlling and overbearing, coming across as self-assured and confident. That same parent may also struggle with intense feelings of guilt and shame over their behavior, causing them to withdraw socially and appear insecure.
That said, some examples of common traits of emotionally immature parents include:
- Emotional unavailability, where the parent struggles to give their child emotional support and invalidates or minimizes their child’s feelings and experiences. They might also prioritize their own emotions over their child’s emotions.
- Egocentric self-centeredness marked by low empathy and a tendency to focus on how situations affect them rather than their child’s well-being. They may expect obedience or admiration from their child without reciprocating emotional connection.
- Poor emotional regulation, where the parent might frequently overreact to minor stressors, display extreme emotional responses, and lash out in anger or withdraw when emotionally overwhelmed.
- Fear of vulnerability and intimacy, creating an aversion to deep emotional conversations or a dismissal of expressions of vulnerability. They might struggle to express affection meaningfully and create emotional distance from their children to maintain control.
- Controlling or overbearing tendencies in which they may try to use emotional tactics to manipulate. They might expect their child to conform to their expectations while struggling to respect their child’s needs and independence.
- Inflexibility, with a tendency to see the world in “black and white.” They might struggle with different perspectives and react negatively when challenged.
- Lack of accountability, where the adult rarely apologizes and blames others (including their child) for their own mistakes or emotions. They may also “rewrite” past events to make it seem like they’re faultless.
- Immature coping skills, like using avoidance, denial, or escapism (sometimes in the form of substance use) to handle challenging emotions. They may also expect their child to comfort them or “fix” their emotional distress.
H3) Different types of emotionally immature parents
In her book “The Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,” Lindsay C. Gibson defines four types of emotionally immature parents:
- Driven parents: focus on their own feelings, needs, goals, and opinions and have low empathy. They are often achievement-oriented, busy, and controlling.
- Passive parents: avoid conflict, are self-centered, and may be enmeshed or distant in their child's life. They might minimize problems and, in the worst cases, allow others to abuse or neglect their children.
- Rejecting parents: withdraw from family life, have low empathy, and may be angry, scornful, and dismissive. They might command, “blow up,” or isolate themselves and often have low self-awareness.
- Emotional parents: have mood swings, are emotionally inconsistent, and show low empathy. They may be unable or unwilling to repair the damage they cause in relationships.
Common behavioral challenges in children of emotionally immature parents
Children of emotionally immature parents often develop dysfunctional coping mechanisms to navigate their unpredictable or emotionally unfulfilling environments. These adaptations can shape their behaviors, mental health, and relationship patterns well into adulthood.
For example, children of emotionally immature parents might exhibit inconsistent behavior due to unpredictable parenting, have trouble regulating emotional reactions, or have people-pleasing tendencies. Anxious behaviors, self-esteem struggles, difficulty with boundaries, and trust issues are other common effects.
The impact of emotionally immature parents on a child’s mental health and emotions
Children of emotionally immature parents often experience significant mental health challenges that last into adulthood and which, when unaddressed, may develop into more serious psychological conditions. Depression and low self-esteem are common, as are anxiety and hypervigilance.
A child of immature parents might also believe that success or perfection is the only way to learn love and validation from others, causing them to set unrealistically high expectations for themselves and then feel like a failure when they cannot meet them. They might learn to hide or minimize their emotions to avoid rejection or conflict, struggle to identify or express their own needs, and prioritize the feelings of others while neglecting their own well-being.
The impact on relationships and attachment style
The way a parent interacts with their child early on can significantly shape how the child forms relationships later in life. Children can feel safe and loved with emotionally mature parents, often contributing to secure attachment styles later in life. On the other hand, inconsistent emotional availability, emotional neglect, and unpredictable behaviors in immature parents are strongly linked to the development of insecure attachment styles.
Anxious attachment in children of emotionally immature parents
This type of insecure attachment can develop when a parent is emotionally inconsistent, sometimes being overly attentive and then withdrawing. These behaviors may leave the child constantly seeking validation and fearing abandonment. An individual with an anxious attachment style may be clingy and needy in adult relationships, seeking constant reassurance and becoming hypersensitive to perceived threats or cues that might indicate a partner’s disinterest.
Avoidant attachment
Children might develop an avoidant attachment style if their parents are rejecting or emotionally unavailable, leading them to avoid emotional closeness in relationships. Adults with avoidant attachment might struggle with trust, expressing emotions, and codependency. They may prematurely end romantic relationships due to fear of rejection or abandonment.
Disorganized or fearful/avoidant attachment
Disorganized attachment often results from a parent who might be loving one minute and frightening or abusive the next. Such behavior can cause confusion and distress in the child, leading to inconsistent and unpredictable actions. Adults with disorganized attachment might send mixed signals, seeking closeness from a partner but then pushing them away due to trust issues and a fear of intimacy.
Addressing the challenges of emotionally immature parenting
Not everyone who grew up with emotionally immature parents carries those behaviors later in life. Some people develop healthy, well-adjusted attachment styles and/or don't develop a mental health disorder. However, there are ways in which those who do may address those challenges and work toward cultivating improved overall well-being.
What to do if you struggle with emotions, behaviors, and relationships
If you struggle with managing your feelings, behaviors, or relationships, the most effective next step is often to seek professional help from a therapist. This type of mental health professional can provide personalized strategies and support to help you understand and address your challenges.
In addition to professional support, you might also engage in emotional self-care and strategies and skill-building to promote overall well-being. Examples include:
- Setting healthy boundaries, including prioritizing your needs, learning to say “no,” and respecting the boundaries of others
- Identifying and labeling your emotions to understand how you feel in different situations, such as through journaling
- Engaging in mindfulness and relaxation techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or progressive muscle relaxation to manage stress
- Practicing healthy lifestyle habits such as eating nutrient-dense foods often, exercising regularly, and getting plenty of sleep
- Engaging in activities that bring joy and nourish you, like hobbies or spending time in nature
- Talking to loved ones and trusted friends who understand your challenges and can provide support
Seeking help from a mental health professional in therapy
Learning about the causes of emotional immaturity is often the first step towards breaking the cycle of emotional immaturity in families. This understanding may allow you to identify and change the thoughts and beliefs you may have acquired from an emotionally immature parent that are creating barriers to healthy relationships in your adult life. It might also help you learn to cope with mental health challenges and open the door to healing.
Many people seek guidance from a mental health professional, who can help with this process. Therapists may use treatment modalities like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which focus on building emotion regulation skills and healthy coping mechanisms.
That said, not everyone who could benefit from therapy decides to seek it. Some don’t have providers in their area or don't think they can fit therapy into their schedule. Others might assume therapy is unaffordable or that it might not work for them. Virtual therapy offers a potentially effective alternative in such situations.
Exploring online therapy as an option for receiving support
With online therapy, individuals can speak with a licensed counselor from the comfort of home at times that work for them—no commuting required. Online therapy platforms also offer a wider pool of therapists than what may be available in a person’s local area, increasing the likelihood of finding a therapist with a background and experience that fits their needs. Additionally, online therapy is often more affordable than conventional treatment without insurance, and some platforms offer financial assistance to those who qualify.
Research suggests that online therapy can often be as effective as in-person therapy for addressing a variety of mental health challenges. For example, one 2021 study compared clinical outcomes of psychiatric treatment for patients in a traditional in-person program versus those who received telehealth treatment. The findings suggest that patients participating in remote treatment stayed in therapy longer and experienced similar outcomes as those who attended face-to-face sessions.
Takeaway
An individual may not realize the impact of growing up with emotionally immature parents until later in life when they must address challenges in their own relationships. Understanding the dynamic is often the first step towards healing. If you’re looking for support in processing childhood experiences and developing positive relationship skills, meeting with a therapist online or in person could be beneficial.
How do you tell if someone is emotionally immature?
Emotional immaturity can look like difficulty identifying one’s own feelings, frequent emotional outbursts, a lack of emotional accountability, frequent avoidance of communication about emotional needs, and self-centeredness, among others. If one struggles to work with self-reflection and accept responsibility for one's own emotions, various consequences can occur in one's own well-being and one's connections with others in relationships.
Emotionally immature people can be avoidant or anxious in how they acknowledge emotions. Those who are emotionally immature and have an anxious attachment may struggle to take responsibility for their own emotions and seek external validation to self-soothe. They may not recognize their dependency on others. Those who tend to have an avoidant attachment style may be emotionally immature because they fail to accept and respect the emotions of others. They may avoid dealing with and labeling emotions by working frequently, avoiding conversations, and having short-lived romantic relationships. Therapy may be helpful for both types of people in the healing process of becoming more emotionally mature and less self-involved.
What are the symptoms of adult children of emotionally immature parents?
Adult children with emotionally immature parents may struggle with the following symptoms:
- Mistrust of others
- Emotional contagion or fear of emotions
- Anxiety and depression from an early age
- A sense of not knowing who they are (weak identity)
- Difficulty talking about emotions
- Frequent reassurance-seeking behaviors
- Fear of loss
- Difficulty trusting their own intuition or thoughts/beliefs
- Mistrusting authority figures
- Hyperindependence
Why is my mom so emotionally immature?
Emotional immaturity can have many causes, often stemming from a lack of understanding and education about emotional issues. In some cases, mental health conditions can be behind difficulty with emotional regulation. Since mental health treatment was often stigmatized when older generations were younger, they didn’t have access to many treatments and support methods and were often told to “suck it up.” Many people turned to escapism to try to avoid emotions, such as substance use and other potentially harmful habits.
What is the root cause of emotional immaturity?
The cause of someone’s emotional immaturity can depend on their life experiences, genetics, and health. For example, some people may experience difficulty with emotional regulation because they have a personality disorder like borderline personality disorder (BPD). For others, emotional challenges may come from attachment issues, such as an insecure attachment style. In some cases, early childhood trauma or experiencing tumultuous relationships from a young age can lead to emotional immaturity. Low intelligence, in general, can also be a factor.
How do you know if emotionally immature parents raised you?
You may know your parents were emotionally immature if they exhibited any of the following behaviors or parenting styles:
- Ignoring your emotional needs in childhood
- Blaming you for your emotional reactions
- Labeling you as “dramatic,” “emotional,” or “overreacting” whenever you had an emotional reaction, such as crying
- Calling you names like “princess,” “feminine,” or “gay” when you cried if you are a boy or man
- Refusing to have open conversations about emotions
- Expecting extreme emotional labor and care from their own children, such as frequently asking for emotional support without offering it in return
- Parentifying you and expecting you to support them over all else
- Having extreme emotional breakdowns in front of the children, such as frequently crying, yelling, or threatening self-harm
- Refusing to get help or acknowledge mistakes
- Not being open to feedback about their behaviors
Are narcissists emotionally immature?
People with narcissistic tendencies may be immature, especially emotionally. Because those with narcissistic behaviors tend to avoid emotions and have limited to no emotional empathy, they may avoid, disregard, or mock the emotions of others. In addition, they may struggle to understand their own feelings and may not feel certain emotions, such as intense happiness or love. Instead of taking responsibility for these challenges, they may lash out by blaming others, triangulating, or gaslighting the person about their experiences.
How does an emotionally immature woman act?
Emotionally immature people can be of any gender, and there are no known gender differences outside of what men and women are socialized to act like in their cultures. For example, women may be more socialized to be comfortable crying, asking for help, and being dependent on others. For this reason, they may be more likely to have anxious and reassurance-seeking tendencies. Men may be more avoidant because they are often taught to avoid their own emotions and that the feelings of others are bad. These belief systems can be changed, and therapy is a helpful way to start.
What are the four types of emotionally immature parents?
The four types of emotionally immature parents include passive, emotional, driven, and rejecting. Passive parents don’t set boundaries with their children. Emotional parents often require extra emotional support from their children. Finally, driven parents are driven to inspire and motivate their children but may avoid emotional conversations in the process. Rejecting parents can be neglectful, cruel, and abusive. They may completely reject any emotional sensitivity in themselves and others.
Do emotionally immature people lack empathy?
Some emotionally immature people may lack empathy, whereas others may have more empathy and are highly sensitive to emotional stimuli. Those who avoid emotions and reject the feelings of others may be more likely to struggle with emotional empathy. Those who are dependent on others for emotional well-being and often lash out at their children may feel bad for their actions but struggle to control their intense emotions in the moment. For this reason, they may frequently apologize but continue to go through the same patterns in the future without seeking help or self-reflection.
Do emotionally immature people ever change?
Emotional immaturity is not a disorder, and it’s not incurable. People can take steps at any point in their lives to change their behaviors. However, a lack of self-reflection and self-awareness can make it difficult for an adult to seek help. In these cases, others may encourage them to talk to a therapist or try a support group. You don’t have to have a mental illness to go to therapy. Therapy can also be a tool for building your self-esteem and ability to understand and regulate your emotions so you can love and care for others as well.
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