How To Cope With Alcoholic Parents And Protect Your Mental Health
One in four children and teens in the US live in a family where substance abuse, dependency, or addiction occurs. For an adolescent or young adult, living with a parent who experiences dependency on alcohol can feel distressing, confusing, and scary.
Symptoms or consequences of your parent’s dependency or substance use could affect not only your family life but also your personal life, including school, sleep, meals, homework, safety, and mental health. You might feel confused about how to proceed, where to reach out for emotional support, or what treatment options are available for you, your parent, and your family.
Resources are available for teens and adults impacted by alcoholic parents and parents who struggle with alcohol addiction. These resources may include individual or family therapy sessions, school counseling, support groups, extended family, friends, or addiction resources.
What is alcohol dependency?
Alcohol dependence, often called addiction, alcoholism, or alcohol use disorder, is defined as a physical or psychological craving for alcohol that may cause those affected to drink frequently, experience withdrawal symptoms when not drinking, and often perpetuate conflict in relationships with family, friends, and oneself. This is also sometimes called alcohol abuse.
Those who have become physically or mentally dependent on a substance (alcohol or other drugs) may also experience mental health conditions or symptoms, such as depression, anxiety, paranoia, or insomnia. It can be distressing to see an alcoholic parent experience these symptoms.
When people with substance use disorders (SUDs) such as alcoholism quit using the substance they are dependent on, physical and psychological symptoms of withdrawal may occur. Some withdrawal symptoms might include:
Shakiness
Nausea
Moodiness
Irritability
Anxiety or depression
Cravings for the substance
Insomnia
Sweating
Changes in appetite
Fatigue
Fast heart rate
Changes in blood pressure
Anyone of any age, gender, social status, race, class, ethnicity, and identity can experience a dependency on alcohol. Additionally, alcohol addiction is around 45 to 65% hereditary, meaning those whose parents abuse alcohol or have a drug problem may have a higher risk of experiencing dependency themselves.
Why is my parent drinking alcohol so much?
As a teen with a parent who experiences alcohol dependency, you may wonder why your parent drinks so much or why they seem to choose not to stop. In these situations, it can be beneficial to note that addiction is a mental and physical health condition, not a choice, and many factors can impact the behavior of someone with an addiction.
The human brain experiences physical changes when it becomes dependent on a substance. The areas of the brain that impact thinking, feeling and decision-making are negatively impacted by alcohol and addiction. These changes can result in differences in behavior, emotional outbursts, and difficulty making sound decisions and maintaining good relationships. Alcoholic parents might also reject suggestions of addiction treatment or family therapy.
The reason an individual starts drinking can vary. Often, people start drinking socially and find they struggle to stop when others are able to. Alcohol is pervasive in today’s society, and many people may begin to use drinking as a coping mechanism for negative thoughts and feelings, without realizing their alcohol use has gone from being fun to being a crutch. Alcohol dependence can come on suddenly or without warning, and quitting can feel challenging for many people.
How to cope with alcoholic parents
If your parent is drinking often and shows symptoms of alcohol addiction or dependency, you may be wondering how to cope. You can take advantage of several resources for children of alcoholic parents and find the support you need.
Reach out to close family for support
If you have another parent or caregiver that is not drinking, and you feel safe opening up to them, consider reaching out. Additionally, there may be a distant or close family that you connect with who could be a resource for you, such as grandparents, aunts and uncles, or adult cousins.
Speak up about your experiences with your parent. Explain your concern and let the person know how your parent’s behavior impacts you. Your family may be able to reach out to your parent and discuss treatment options with them.
Utilize helplines and community resources
As your parent’s child, you are not responsible for fixing or healing your parent. Another adult may be able to refer your parent to a program or resource in your community. If you are experiencing emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse from your parent with alcohol dependency, tell your other parent or a trusted adult as soon as possible.
Talk to a school counselor
If you’re enrolled in high school or university, your school may have resources available for children of alcoholics. Talk to your guidance counselor or school-offered mental health provider to receive guidance, resources, or advice regarding your situation. They may be able to provide information on any local support groups for alcoholic families.
Journal about your experiences
Studies show that expressive writing, such as journaling, can benefit your mental health and allow you to release suppressed emotions. Consider keeping a journal about your experiences with your parent and how you feel. In the future, you might come back to read the journal to remember how these times impacted your mental health. If you have a therapist, you can refer back to your journal entries as you discuss your parent’s dependency and provide a concrete example of how it affects you.
Know addiction is not your fault
Addiction and drug abuse are not your fault. Try not to internalize your parent’s drinking. Although it can be normal to feel upset, scared, or distressed by your parent’s dependency, there is nothing wrong with you as a person. If you struggle with this idea, talking to a counselor can be a beneficial place to discuss these emotions further.
Find a safe place
Ensure you feel safe at home. If you are experiencing abuse or feel at risk of harm, reach out to someone you trust or call the Child Help Hotline. If you feel safe but need to leave home temporarily, see if there is a family you can stay with nearby. You may need to receive parental permission, but if you speak to your parent, it is possible that the situation could work out for you both.
If you need space while living at home with your parent, some ways to get out and take a break can include
Going on a walk with a pet
Spending time in nature
Participating in after-school activities
Joining a club
Enrolling in university (if you have applied and are accepted) and living in the dorms
Visiting a friend’s house
Going to the gym
Studying at the library
Going to a support group
Going to therapy
Practice self-care
Practice self-care whenever possible at home, school, and throughout your day. One beneficial self-care and emotional control method is mindfulness, which is the practice of learning to be present in each moment and controlling your nervous system.
Other ways you can care for yourself include:
Practicing a musical instrument or singing
Creating art
Seeing a doctor when you feel sick
Eating healthy and balanced meals
Practicing sleep hygiene
Crying when you need to
Spending time with friends
Taking a shower or bath daily
Keeping your bedroom clean and clear of clutter
Practicing deep breathing
Advocate for yourself
Know when to advocate for yourself. If your parent is crossing a boundary or causing you to feel disregarded or upset, let them know. Communicate how their actions impact you, and be honest about what you need.
Tell your parent if you want to see a counselor or live with another family. Being honest can prepare you for communication skills later in life, and your parent may appreciate that you felt comfortable opening up to them about your feelings.
Attend a support group
Support groups for teens experiencing a parent with alcohol dependency exist in many cities and online. One popular group is called Alateen, a subset of Al-Anon, a support group for those struggling with alcohol addiction. Alateen offers an online chat option for those looking for online support.
If there isn’t a chapter of an alcohol support group for adolescents or young adults in your area, consider reaching out to your school counselor or an adult you trust for potential resources. You might be able to find a support group for teens experiencing stress, trauma, or familial dysfunction as well.
Reach out to a counselor
Many teens and young adults try counseling to deal with the impacts of their parent’s substance dependency or use. A counselor can be an empathetic resource. Counselors often know about addiction and how it impacts families and young people. They may offer resources, worksheets, or take-home assignments to help you deal with your emotions during this time.
For those who are unable to commute to counseling or feel safer at home, online therapy is an option. Online counseling is often more affordable than traditional in-person therapy and offers teens and adults a way to connect with a professional from any location with an internet connection. Studies show that online counseling is especially effective for teens experiencing depression or anxiety symptoms.
For those under 18, an online platform like TeenCounseling can be reached with parental permission. For young adults or teens over 18, BetterHelp offers similar services through a database that matches individuals with licensed counselors for various specialties.
Takeaway
Experiencing a parent’s alcohol dependency can feel challenging for teens and young adults. Resources may be available through your community or social circle to support you. If you seek professional support and guidance, consider reaching out to a counselor to get started.
For more information on the topic of alcoholism in parental figures, check out these related articles:
This article gives 9 tips for adult children of parents and caretakers who have an alcohol addiction. Sometimes, having a parent who is addicted to alcohol can make you feel helpless, so knowing how you can help your caretaker in constructive and skillful ways is useful. Following some of these tips might aid in the road to recovery.
This article on the roles a family plays in addiction explains ways in which you can help an alcoholic in the family and ways in which you may unknowingly be enabling them. Not only does this article explain all of the roles and how they play into alcoholism, but it also explains how you can break out of the potentially harmful roles and care for yourself through the process. Because even though it feels great to be the hero, the hero deserves self-care just as much as the rest of us.
If you're looking for an article specifically on the impact of an alcoholic parent on their family and children, look no further. This article dives deeper into the intricacies of the effects of having a parent with alcoholism and how you can overcome those difficulties and come out stronger on the other side. Alcoholism and addiction affect every aspect of someone's life. Learn how you and your family can cope and get help through this difficult time.
What are the five types of children of alcoholics?
In 1981, Sharon Wegscheider, a chemical dependency counselor, published Another Chance: Hope and Health for the Alcoholic Family, a book that offers guidance to family members of those experiencing alcohol addiction. She described five types of children of alcoholics and how their roles within the family impact an alcoholic parent. Her types were based on clinical experience rather than evidence-based practices, and although research has supported some of her theories, modern conceptualizations are significantly more complex.
The five types of children of alcoholics defined in Another Chance include:
- The caretaker. The caretaker, formerly referred to as “the enabler,” is the person in the family who enables the behaviors of the person experiencing an alcohol use disorder. They may work to hide the person’s behavior or make excuses for them. In modern theories, the caretaker is often the spouse of the addicted person, but it may also be a child.
- The hero. The hero is often the eldest child. They may feel enormous pressure to perform well for the sake of their family, often by pursuing perfect grades or other impressive achievements.
- The scapegoat. The scapegoat is often blamed for family dysfunction to remove focus from the person experiencing alcohol abuse. They may develop depression or behavioral concerns due to feeling ostracized from their family.
- The mascot. The mascot tries to diffuse the tension in the family dynamic through humor and jokes. They are often one of the most sensitive members of the family.
- The lost child. The lost child may go largely unnoticed by the family and may actively try to avoid confrontation. Any attention that may have gone to the lost child shifts to the addicted person.
What are the four types of wives of alcoholics?
The four types of wives of alcoholics likely derive from the now-defunct disturbed personality hypothesis, which suggested that wives of alcoholic men were disturbed women who resolved neurotic conflicts through marriages to alcoholic men. Later research refuted this theory by demonstrating that the stress of caring for an alcoholic person was chiefly responsible for the clinical pathology seen in family members. Although the four types of wives are no longer used, understanding their history can help clarify how the impact of substance abuse on families was understood in the past:
- “Punitive Polly.” This type refers to a person who is aggressive and conflict-prone.
- “Controlling Catherine.” This type of wife refers to someone who needs control over small details.
- “Suffering Susan.” This type refers to a wife who has masochistic or self-victimizing tendencies.
- “Wavering Winifred.” This type refers to a person who is overly ambivalent and often struggles to commit to a decision.
What is shame in adult children of alcoholics?
Adult children of alcoholics may experience shame for several reasons. They may feel they were partially responsible for their parent’s substance abuse, that their own enabling behaviors prevented their parent from getting addiction treatment, or that they didn’t do enough to help other family members deal with an alcoholic parent.
Whatever the case, the shame felt by children of alcoholics is often misplaced and may represent more serious underlying concerns. Adult children of alcoholics are at a higher risk than the general population of developing mental health problems, including substance use disorders. If shame from childhood is unresolved, it may be helpful to get help from a mental health professional, look into support groups, or investigate other treatment options. It may be helpful to consider online therapy, which often allows people to initiate treatment with a qualified professional faster than in-person options.
What is the psychology of children of alcoholics?
Evidence suggests that children of alcoholics experience significant distress during and after childhood. Children are more likely to experience depression and anxiety due to family instability and are significantly more likely to develop behavior problems like rule-breaking, defiance, aggression, and impulsivity. In adulthood, children of alcoholics are substantially more likely to develop substance use disorders. They also experience a higher risk of anxiety, depression, and personality disorders. Many treatment centers report that their clients often indicate extensive family histories of substance use problems, often expanding beyond their parents.
What are two of the most common personality traits of alcoholics?
The personality profiles of those experiencing alcoholism vary widely from person to person, as do the profiles of those without a substance use disorder. However, evidence suggests that higher levels of impulsivity and sensitivity may be common. A personality prone to impulsivity may make it more challenging to resist using substances, especially during times of high stress. High sensitivity, in turn, may make someone more vulnerable to life stressors and challenging circumstances, increasing the risk they turn to substances to cope.
Are children of alcoholics narcissists?
There is no evidence to suggest that children of alcoholics are narcissists. The misconception likely comes from research that indicates children of alcoholics may be at a higher risk of developing personality disorders, including narcissistic personality disorder and anti-social personality disorder. However, while they may be at higher risk, it is not possible to predict whether someone is a narcissist based on their parent’s alcohol use.
What is the hero child of an alcoholic?
The hero child is one of five subtypes of children of alcoholics developed by Sharon Wegscheider, a substance use clinician. The hero child is defined by a need to excel, often to bring pride to a dysfunctional family. They may achieve stellar grades, outstanding sports performances, or beautiful artistic pursuits, but the underlying motivation is to support their family rather than self-fulfillment.
What are the characteristics of a selfish adult child?
A selfish adult child might place themselves before others regularly. They may care little for the experiences of their aging parents or other family members. The determining factors of what makes someone selfish likely vary from family to family due to individual or cultural differences. Sometimes, parents or other family members may label an adult child as selfish for benign behavior, such as missing a birthday party due to work obligations. An adult child might also be labeled as selfish for healthy things, such as attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings to address their alcohol use, which may be seen as hostile or judgmental in families with high rates of substance use problems.
What type of person is most likely to become an alcoholic?
Many risk factors may lead someone to become an alcoholic, and it is not possible to generalize a specific type of person who is most likely to experience problems with alcohol use. Some of the common risk factors include:
- Mental health conditions, most notably depression, bipolar disorder, and social anxiety.
- Sustained expectations of alcohol’s positive impacts.
- A long history of consuming significant amounts of alcohol.
- A family history of alcohol use problems or families that normalize heavy drinking.
- A genetic predisposition to substance dependency.
What gender are most alcoholics?
In general, men consume more alcohol than women, but the gap between men and women is closing. Rates of alcohol-related emergency department visits, hospitalizations, and deaths have increased among all adults over the last 20 years. While men still consume more alcohol than women, the increases in alcohol use have been substantially higher for women than men during the same period.
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