How To Cope With The Death Of A Friend Or Loved One As A Teenager
Losing someone you love can be one of life's most challenging experiences. There's no single right way to cope with grief when a friend dies; everyone experiences the grieving process in their own manner and on their own timeline. Loss from a teenager's perspective in particular is unique because it’s an often life-changing event during a period of life that may already feel turbulent. This guide explores different ways to cope with the death of a friend or loved one as a teenager.
Healthy ways to cope with loss
First, it’s important to note that grief—and the emotions that may come along with it—is a normal part of the healing process following the loss of a loved one. It can be hard to accept loss or death as a teen, especially if the death marks the end of a friendship or close relationship with a friend or family member. After experiencing a loss, you might be deeply affected and feel shock, sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, or other complex and even contradictory emotions. While letting yourself feel the emotions associated with grief is usually important even if you weren’t best friends when your friend died, it’s typically also a good idea to find ways to take good care of yourself and your mental health in the process.
Some people worry that they may forget their friends if they take steps to take care of their mental health or to feel better. Doing things to help yourself feel better doesn’t mean you’re forgetting or disrespecting the person you lost, even if they were your best friend; instead, it’s a natural and healthy way to cope with the grief you’re feeling. Here are a few strategies you can try if you find yourself in this challenging situation following the death of a loved one. Keep in mind that every person is different, so what may work for one may not work for another and grief goes beyond the tears at memorial service. For most people, experimenting with how different tactics make you feel can be a good way to deal with grief.
Find a healthy outlet
The sudden intensity of emotions during bereavement can be difficult to navigate and it may feel like your world has been turned upside down. In a situation like this, the mechanisms you choose to cope with your feelings can make a big difference in how the grieving process goes for you. Talking with a trusted support person such as a parent, teacher, family, or other friends or loved ones can help the healing begin. Unhealthy choices like turning to substance use or denying or suppressing your emotions can feel helpful at the moment but are usually not constructive ways to work through your grief.
If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.
Instead, you might try letting out the feelings you’re experiencing. Friends and family members are often willing to provide a safe space to do this. However, some people prefer seclusion when they let their emotions out by crying, journaling, or expressing how they feel.
Allowing yourself to cry is often beneficial, as research has found that it can be an effective self-soothing behavior that releases the positive brain chemicals of endorphins and oxytocin.
Journaling at night before you go to bed, or during the day as feelings arise may also help you express any emotions that have built up about the situation. Remember that it’s okay to be sad and okay to express that sadness, or whatever other form your feelings may take during this time—and in fact, doing so may help you move forward.
Take care of your physical health
While the pain of losing a loved one is usually primarily emotional, taking care of your physical body as well may help you move through the grieving process. For instance, one study found that physical activity “may provide benefit for the physical health and psychological wellbeing of those who have been bereaved, including when the loss has happened at a young age”. An article from Harvard Health Publishing also tells that eating a balanced diet can help fortify the body through the experience of the stress of grief—adding that aiming to consume small portions more frequently can help if eating is difficult because of your emotional state. While taking care of your own physical needs can feel low on the priority list in the wake of a loss, it can help you better manage the grieving process.
Cherish and preserve memories
At first, being reminded of your loved one during day-to-day activities can be too painful. Over time, however, the pain may dull and you can focus on fond memories of the good times with this person. You might try honoring the loved one you’ve lost in a way that fits who they were or what your relationship with them was like. You might gather photos and create a photo collage of your favorite times together, which can bring more smiles, or write a letter to them or a poem about them to honor their memory. Or, if you had a complicated or unhealthy relationship with this person, it’s okay to not want to reminisce about them. Remember, grieving is an individual process that should be unique to you.
Speak with someone you trust
You might feel alone when you experience loss at a young age. You may not have other peers who have experienced the death of a loved one, which can be frustrating and isolating. Sometimes, leaning on friendships or expressing your feelings with someone who has experienced loss before or who is grieving the same loss can be helpful. Or a close friend who hasn’t may also be a source of comfort and extra support. Even if they can’t fully understand what you’re going through and just listen, they may be able to provide a kind word or a hug, make you laugh, or simply sit with you so that you're not alone. If there’s a teacher or counselor you trust and feel comfortable around, they may also be able to provide support and reinforce that your feelings matter. You may also want to seek help from a therapist; more on this below.
How therapy can help with the grieving process
Those who are experiencing a loss at any age may benefit from speaking with a trained counselor or therapist. Attending support groups is another option for those who want to connect with a mental health professional as they mourn a loved one’s passing. These professionals can help you set your own pace for the grieving process, offer you a safe space in which to process your emotions, and help you identify healthy coping mechanisms. Some therapists may also choose to use cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) so that you can learn to recognize and shift unhelpful thought patterns that may be causing you additional distress during this time.
Your parents or school counselor may be able to help you connect with a therapist in your area who you can meet with in person. Or, if you prefer to seek this kind of support from the comfort of your home, you can consider virtual therapy. Research suggests that online therapy offers similar benefits to in-person sessions, so it’s a viable option for those who find it more comfortable, convenient, available, or affordable. With an online therapy service like TeenCounseling, for instance, you can get matched with a licensed therapist with your parent’s consent, and you can meet with them via phone, video call, and/or online chat to address your concerns.
Takeaway
Experiencing a loss is always difficult, especially during your teenage years. The strategies outlined here can help you work through your grief in a healthy way. You may also consider meeting with a therapist for support in the process.
Why is death so hard to accept?
Death and dying stand directly opposed to one of humanity’s most fundamental traits: the instinct for survival. Considering one’s own mortality may produce intense feelings of fear or anxiety, which may make it difficult to process the inevitability and certainty of death. The absence of consciousness is also challenging to imagine. The brain tries to associate a sensation or feeling with death but cannot do so because death refers to the absence of all sensation. Finally, the death of others is associated with grief and significant adverse feelings, which likely further complicates any thought process that aims to accept mortality.
How to get over losing a loved one?
The grief caused by the death of a loved one can take many paths, and the way to manage that grief may vary from person to person. However, you may want to consider some of the common strategies for managing grief, which are listed below. If you find your grief to be unbearable, or you believe that your grief is not improving with time, strongly consider reaching out to a mental health professional for help and support. Most feelings associated with grieving a loved one improve with time, but in some cases, grief can become prolonged and may require the help of a qualified professional.
Here are some ways to help yourself through the grieving process:
- Find social support. It is often helpful to seek support from others while grieving. Friends or family may be a good option, but you can also find a grief support group near you for additional support.
- Focus on health. Staying healthy can become challenging during times of grief. Focus on getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and getting at least a small amount of regular physical activity.
- Avoid unhealthy coping. Using unhealthy ways to cope, like drugs or alcohol, may provide short-term relief, but it often comes at the cost of prolonging grief or worsening adverse feelings in the long term.
- Postpone major decisions. Grief is a period of adjustment, and it may be helpful to postpone major life changes until you have had an opportunity to recover from your loss.
- Be patient with yourself. Grieving takes time, and it may take months or years to fully adjust to a major loss. Allow yourself time to adequately recover.
What not to do when grieving?
The loss of a loved one can be an intense experience that can sometimes lead someone to manage their grief in an unhealthy way. When grieving, it is typically best to avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms such as drugs, alcohol, social withdrawal, or increased risk-taking behavior. Those maladaptive coping strategies might make things better for a short time, but they often drastically increase the risk of long-term adverse impacts on your physical and mental health. In addition, unhealthy coping might prevent someone from processing their grief, compounding the challenging emotions that the unhealthy coping strategies are meant to address.
How do you cope with the concept of death?
Accepting that mortality is a part of life can sometimes be challenging. The human survival instinct is one of the species’ most fundamental traits, and coping with the concept of death may trigger powerful emotions as the survival instinct is challenged. As people age, they are often forced to come to terms with their own mortality, but few people become overwhelmed by the thought that they will eventually die. Many psychologists turn to terror management theory to explain how people protect themselves against the realities of mortal existence.
Terror management theory asserts that most people cope with the concept of death by keeping it on the fringe of their awareness. They might use constructive distraction, which refers to living a meaningful life to keep focus away from mortality. Terror management might also happen collectively within social systems, such as investing in the belief that death leads to an afterlife, a common tenant of many religions.
One of the most effective ways to cope with the concept of death is to focus on the present. Many people turn to mindfulness techniques to accomplish this. Mindfulness helps a person focus on the present moment without experiencing an overwhelming emotional reaction. It has been used to support mental well-being in many situations, and it is likely it can help manage unpleasant feelings associated with mortality.
Is it OK to accept death?
Accepting death is likely OK, and many people might consider it necessary when managing grief or other challenging feelings associated with mortality, such as keeping anticipatory grief from becoming overwhelming. It may be helpful to find support when working to accept death. Social interactions can help reduce the adverse feelings one might experience when trying to accept the realities of mortality.
Which death is the hardest to overcome?
The grieving process following a death differs for everybody, and the hardest death to overcome will likely vary considerably from person to person. Grief, coping, and recovery can all take different paths depending on how deeply someone is affected by death. Generally speaking, the stronger the relationship between a living person and a loved one who passed away, the more intense the grief will be. However, other factors, like an unexpected death or unresolved conflict, may change the magnitude of grieving substantially.
How do I accept death as part of my life?
It may be helpful to focus on living in the present moment. Mindfulness techniques and other strategies can often help you forget unpleasant realities, such as the certainty of mortality. Living in the present may also help you live a more meaningful life, which can significantly distract from the certainty of death. It may also be helpful to celebrate those who have passed and recognize how their contributions defined their life as a series of events unique only to them.
Why does grief hurt so bad?
Evidence suggests that the grieving process is intertwined with many different brain functions, including those responsible for both physical and emotional pain. It is also typically a period of intense empathy, recollection, and personal adjustment. Grief, therefore, represents a pronounced destabilization of a person’s well-being. It may also impact many people around them, further disrupting typical social support systems. The substantial impacts of grief are often challenging to manage and may require significant coping and support to overcome. This may be why grief can feel so much worse than other adverse circumstances a person might encounter.
What are the five stages of grief?
The five stages of grief were developed by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a psychiatrist who focused on near-death studies. Her five stages were based on her observations of terminally ill patients and how they adjusted to their approaching death. At the time of their publication, the five stages were not medically reviewed, and later research found that they do not represent a consistent framework for representing grief. A person might experience all, some, or none of the five stages when grieving. In addition, a person might experience the five stages in any order.
It is not necessary for a person to complete the five stages to fully grieve.
Harvard Health indicates that, while the five stages may not be well-supported by evidence, they are often a useful framework for understanding grief. The five stages are outlined below:
- Denial. Denial refers to a period where a person refuses to accept that a death has occurred or will likely occur soon.
- Anger. Anger often comes shortly after a person accepts the reality that death will occur.
- Bargaining. The grieving person may be overcome by “what if” and “if only” statements as they negotiate the loss of control death and grief have caused.
- Depression. Sadness and hopelessness often take hold. While depression is a common reaction to grief, it can sometimes become prolonged and require help to recover from.
- Acceptance. In this stage, the adverse feelings associated with grief have passed, and a person can focus their energy on celebrating the life of the deceased or making meaningful use of the moments they have left.
How to grieve fully?
Grieving fully often means giving yourself time to process the grief, which might take weeks or months. It is also typically helpful to grieve alongside others. Social support and shared grieving can sometimes alleviate the challenging emotions associated with grief and may help you process the grief fully. Remember that grieving can be a lengthy process, and it's often helpful to grant yourself patience as you recover. If you feel that your recovery is prolonged or that your grief is unmanageable, strongly consider reaching out to a mental health professional for support.
A professional can help support you during your grieving process, manage other mental health conditions, or investigate underlying causes that may be causing your grief to worsen. Grief often causes a lack of motivation and energy, which can make coping harder. It may be worthwhile to consider online therapy or digital support groups when grieving. Internet-based therapy allows you to meet with a therapist from home, reducing some of the energy it takes to get help.
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