My Teenager Is Making Me Depressed: Challenges Of Parenting Adolescents
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Adolescence often involves significant transitions. Parents may work on dealing with those changes as their children grow and being a positive influence. However, teens often push back against support and authority, making communication difficult. Below, learn about the developmental factors that impact adolescence and how to manage the challenges of parenting teens.
My teenager is making me depressed: What makes adolescence so stressful for parents and teens?
Parents may sometimes find their teens' behavior hurtful or worrying. Teenagers may behave differently from when they were younger. In addition, the parent-child relationship often shifts in adolescence, which can be challenging to adjust to. For example, teens may want more time alone or prefer hanging out with friends. They may be uncomfortable with their parents showing affection, particularly in public. Even parents who have managed previous ages calmly may find the teenage years challenging.
Psychosocial development in adolescence
Teenagers undergo significant developmental changes. Some of the most essential include developing abstract thinking, a growing ability to absorb the perspectives of others, and the ability to engage in introspection. They also develop their sexual identities and establish their personal values as they try to figure out who they are and try to plan an amazing life for themselves.
Identity vs. role confusion
In Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development, the fifth stage, identity vs. role confusion, occurs between ages 12 and 18. Adolescents search for a sense of self and explore their identities in this stage. They may try to identify their place in society and fit in and begin to think about their futures, including their careers, living arrangements, and relationships.
When teens are supported as they explore different roles, they may emerge from this stage with a firm idea of who they are, independent and in control of their lives. If they are not given space to explore who they are or are overwhelmed by the process, they may be confused about who they are and struggle to identify their path in adulthood.
Social relationships are often crucial during this stage, providing context for teens to explore their identity. They try different roles in their friend groups that allow them to discover their interests and beliefs. Peer groups are highly influential at this stage, and kids often start to value their friends’ opinions over those of their parents. Knowing one is accepted and fitting in can help them develop a positive identity, while being excluded can lead to a struggle to find their identity.
How does this stage affect the relationship between a teen and a parent?
Teens often require support from their parents and other key adults to guide them through this stage. If they do not get this support, they may be left with unresolved identity issues and be uncertain about who they are and their future. Parents can refrain from pressuring teens into one role or another as doing so can result in rebellion, leading the teen to establish a negative identity and impact their mental and emotional health.
Common areas of stress
A few common areas of tension may exist between teens and their parents, including the following.
Dating
Dating can be a source of tension in the teen years. Parents may discuss dating ground rules with their teens, but teens can often become uncomfortable having these conversations.
Teens generally want to know why their parents establish specific rules, so even though these conversations may be difficult, they can be beneficial. For example, some parents may choose an age when kids can start dating, but choosing a number doesn’t necessarily give teens the “why” they may be looking for. Instead, parents may tie rules about when a teen can date to expectations of maturity, like making a curfew.
Curfew
Parents can set parameters whether a teen is out on a date or out with friends. Giving them limits for when they must be home or how often they should check in can be fair when done reasonably. For example, expecting a teen to check in with you every hour may be unrealistic and controlling, but asking for a text to let you know when they are heading home could be more reasonable.
Risk-taking behaviors
Some teens may engage in risk-taking behaviors, like alcohol, drug, and tobacco use, and may be vulnerable to developing harmful patterns that can persist into adulthood. Pay attention to what your teen is doing and who they spend time with. If you’re concerned about their mental health, get them support as soon as you notice signs of a mental health challenge or substance use.
Mental health problems in adolescence
While all teens may face challenges during adolescence, underlying mental health conditions can also play a role. Knowing the potential mental health problems that can appear in adolescence may help parents better understand what their teens are going through.
Common mental health problems in teens
Mental health conditions and challenges that can arise in adolescence include:
- Emotional disorders: Emotional disorders are common in teens, with anxiety disorders being the most prevalent.
- Behavioral disorders: Younger adolescents may be more likely to experience behavioral disorders than older teens. Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and conduct disorder (CD) are possibilities.
- Eating disorders: Symptoms of eating disorders commonly emerge during adolescence. While girls are more commonly affected, boys can also experience eating disorders. They are associated with higher risks of suicide, with anorexia nervosa leading to an increased risk of death.
- Psychosis: Some mental health conditions that present with psychotic features can begin in late adolescence, like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.
Warning signs to look out for
If you are the parent of a teen, there are some warning signs to look out for that may help you determine if your child is having mental health difficulties, including but not limited to the following:
- Changes in sleep or eating habits
- A loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities
- Withdrawal from social groups
- Struggling academically in new ways, like failing their favorite subject or not turning in work
- A new group of friends that parents don’t know or trust
- Refusal to talk about what is bothering them
- Risky sexual activity, including sending explicit texts or photos
- Signs of self-injury
- Signs of drug and alcohol use
- Thoughts of suicide
If you consistently see these changes in your teen, you may have a conversation with them about their mental health and help them get the support they need. If you believe your teen is in imminent danger, call 911.
How can these challenges affect a parent?
Everyone’s experience is different, but there are some ways in which the stress of parenting can impact one’s mental health.
My teenager is making me depressed: Parenting’s impact on mental health
Parenting can be stressful at any age, and the teen years bring unique challenges. Many methods in which parenting a teenager can contribute to depression exist. Some parents may have a difficult time understanding why their teen wants to start spending more time away from them, while others may be concerned that their teen is experiencing mental health challenges. All parenting challenges can be intense, and they can make you start to judge yourself and blame yourself for the changes.
Stress and anxiety
Research shows that most parents believe being a parent is rewarding and enjoyable, but many also find it stressful, with about 29% saying that it is stressful all or most of the time. Stress can also play a role in depression.
Familial tension
The changing dynamics within the family can lead to tension in various ways. For example, parents may not agree on the age at which a teen can start dating or when their curfew should be. Younger siblings may get upset that their teenage siblings may no longer be as interested in spending time with them and may choose to go out with their friends instead. Teens may argue and push boundaries to figure out who they are.
How to help your teen
Below are several tips to support your teen that may make parenting them less stressful:
- Set boundaries and stick to them: They may object, but deep down, teens may know that boundaries are a way of showing you care and protecting them.
- Listen actively: Listen when teens want to talk to you. Teenagers may not always be comfortable opening up to their parents, but when they do so willingly, listen to them without interrupting.
- Be forgiving: Allow teens to learn from their mistakes and understand that they may act differently than you. Their personality may start to form more in the teenage years, and you might not get along like you used to.
- Be calm: Talk calmly and rationally about your concerns. Talking about topics like sex and drug use can be uncomfortable, but try to remain calm and prepare before the discussion. Ask your teen if they have any questions and respectfully and openly respond to them.
How to help yourself
Sometimes, parenting can make you feel like you’re losing your own identity, so prioritizing self-care can be crucial. Here are some techniques to try:
- Treat yourself occasionally
- Allow yourself time to relax
- Talk about your worries with friends
- Join support groups
- Learn to identify depressive symptoms and negative feelings so you know when to get help
Getting support for your mental health
If you feel depressed or are having emotional responses that impact your ability to function in your daily life, working with a mental health professional can help you learn to address these negative emotions. Whether you are experiencing signs of parental depression or want to learn coping strategies to manage emotional challenges, working with a therapist can help.
Parents: Considering online mental health care
Parents are often too busy to attend multiple in-person appointments. For this reason, online mental health care can be a convenient and flexible option. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can work with an experienced provider from the comfort of your home or anywhere you have a reliable internet connection. In addition, teens can access online therapy through platforms like TeenCounseling for those aged 13 to 19.
Many people can be matched with a therapist in as little as 48 hours of signing up. In addition to being convenient, a growing body of research is finding that online therapy is effective, with one meta-analysis concluding that internet therapy is at least as effective as face-to-face CBT.
Takeaway
What do you do when your teenager shuts you out?
When your teenager shuts you out, you might first pause to consider that this behavior may be related to their stage of development. To some degree, becoming more independent from parents can be an essential part of development. However, if you’re worried that your child may be experiencing mental health challenges, you can reiterate that you are available if they need help. You can also offer to help them connect with a licensed teen counselor, whether in person or online. Offering to get them outside help can be a sign of empathy for what they are experiencing.
How do you deal with a teenager that doesn't care?
Addressing teenage apathy can be challenging for many parents. Some teens may experience this feeling as a result of underlying distress or a mental disorder like depression or anxiety. You might ask your teen if they’d like to consider seeking professional help from a teen counselor. You may also find it helpful to offer praise for their academic and extracurricular achievements to try to build motivation.
What do you do when your child gives you the silent treatment?
If your child gives you the silent treatment, the best approach may depend on how silent they are. If they are isolating in their room for long hours, they may need immediate help. You might consider asking if they have experienced bullying at school or some other form of trauma. If the silent treatment is intermittent, you might consider offering to find someone who can provide professional guidance and advice, such as a licensed teen counselor.
What do you do when your child pushes you away?
When your child pushes you away, you might consider trying to maintain open communication on your part. If you occasionally open up about something in your life, such as something that happened on a given day, they may be more likely to do the same. If they push you away excessively, you might consider telling them that you respect their input as an adult but that you also expect to be treated with respect.
What do you do when your child stonewalls you?
When your child stonewalls you, you might feel isolated and experience frustration about not knowing how to get them to open up. You might try to resist any urge to reprimand them and remember that teens sometimes mask distress beneath their stonewalling. If you need support when your child stonewalls you, reach out to a licensed mental health professional.
What is normal 15-year-old behavior?
Behavior may vary from one 15-year-old to another, depending on a teen’s personality and mental health status. However, this can often be a period of transition that leads teens to pull away from their parents as they become more independent.
How do I deal with a disrespectful 15-year-old son?
Handling a disrespectful teenager can be challenging. First, you might consider that many teens go through a period of rebellion against their mother, father, caregivers, and other authority figures, which means this may not be related to anything you’ve done. Lecturing teens may sometimes lead to resentment and anger. However, you might find it helpful to set limits and tell them that you expect to be treated with respect, just as you treat them with respect as a growing adult. If you treat them as an adult who has to live with consequences—not punishment—they may begin to gradually change their behavior.
How do you know if your child needs psychological help?
Your child might need psychological help if you notice a significant difference in behavior. For example, they may need psychological help if you notice long periods of isolation in their bedroom, a loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities, and a sudden drop in academic performance. A licensed teen counselor may be able to assess risk factors for mental health conditions and provide healthy ways to cope with negative thoughts. A teen counselor might suggest a holistic approach to well-being that takes into account your child’s emotional, social, and developmental needs
What do you do when you can't handle your child anymore?
When you can’t handle your child anymore, you might seek support from a licensed therapist. Many parents find that a therapist can help provide strategies to reduce conflicts. A therapist may also be able to offer specific guidance based on what’s happening in your child’s life.
Where do you take a child with behavioral problems?
You can take a child with behavioral problems to see a licensed therapist who specializes in treating children. If this isn’t an option, you might consider asking the school counselor about options for low-cost counseling in the area. Also, if your child is at least 13 years old, you can sign them up for Teen Counseling, which offers counseling online via audio, video, or live chat. Online counselors can often help with problems related to behavior, excessive screen time, substance abuse, societal pressures, and parental conflict. Sometimes, a therapist can identify underlying reasons for behavioral problems and provide a tailored approach to meet your child’s needs.
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