How To Tell If You Have A Toxic Mother
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Family dynamics can be complicated, especially those between parents and adult children. If your relationship with your mother is tense or even harmful, you’re not alone. Here’s how to recognize toxicity in a parent child relationship, plus some tips on how to handle it so you can hopefully stop thinking, "I hate my mother."
Eight common characteristics of a toxic mother
Parenthood is challenging, and no parent is perfect. It’s not uncommon for all parents to display some of the characteristics on this list from time to time. However, their negative behavior may be demonstrating toxic patterns when they regularly or constantly embody two or more of them. Your parent may be toxic if your relationship with them is characterized by…
- Constant harsh criticism
- Controlling behavior
- Guilt-tripping and manipulation (e.g., making you feel guilty when they have health issues)
- Humiliation
- Invalidation of the child’s feelings and emotions
- Passive aggression, such as the silent treatment
- Disrespect of personal boundaries
- A lack of reciprocation
What is a toxic mother?
Constant criticism
A parent who constantly criticizes everything around them is likely creating a toxic environment for the people in their life, including their children. It may seem like nothing is ever good enough for this person and their “editor-in-chief” tendencies, and they likely display signs of toxic perfectionism. If you grew up around someone like this, you may have even developed a harsh inner critic for yourself that mirrors their impossible standards and judgments. Another toxic situation is when parents constantly compare their children. When a parent always appreciates your sister and you are always bombarded with criticisms, this can make you think "I hate my sister too." This type of parent may make you feel like you’re lacking, no matter what you do, which can lead to mental health challenges.
Controlling behavior
A mother with controlling tendencies will make her opinions known and may even force them on others. She usually has strong feelings about everything in your life—something that likely hasn’t changed now that you’re an adult. She may not hesitate to give instructions about how you should live, and probably doesn’t hold back when she disagrees with your choice of clothing, career, or partner, for instance. Pushing back against her strong opinions can be difficult or may even feel impossible, especially since this may be a dynamic that has existed between you since you were a child.
Guilt-tripping and manipulation
Some parents may use manipulation in a variety of ways to get what they want. For example, they may work to make you feel guilty or responsible for their bad behavior, especially when they can’t get their way. They may know exactly what emotional button to press to get you to give in. They are experts in what makes you tick because they know you so well, and they may use this skill to get their way or simply to exercise control that makes them feel superior or in charge.
Humiliation
This toxic trait can be subtle or brutally direct. It often takes the form of jokes that are harmful and inappropriate, which your mother may even make in front of family and friends. If you confront her about these comments, a toxic mother’s reaction is typically to brush it off, saying that you’re too sensitive and can’t take a joke or a piece of advice. This kind of verbal abuse is generally another form of her exercising power over you and can be harmful both because of the impact of what she says as well as the gaslighting and dismissal of your feelings, which can cause low self-esteem.
Invalidation of your emotions
Toxic relationships with a parent may make someone feel like their emotions are incorrect, inconvenient, or too much. Your parent may belittle, criticize, or challenge you when you express yourself, making you feel like you can’t honestly tell them anything or be who you truly are. Such invalidation is especially common if your feelings relate to unhappiness, anger, or frustration with the way your parent treats you, or if they involve any other negative emotion toward them.
Passive aggression
Passive aggression is when someone indirectly expresses their negative emotions. It could manifest as sulking, self-pity, silent treatment, victimization, or sarcasm when they’re unhappy with something. When a parent displays this type of behavior, it’s a way of avoiding confrontation at all costs while making their disapproval known in all kinds of other ways.
Disrespect of personal boundaries
Mothers who disrespect your personal boundaries as an adult may still be treating you like a child. She may act inappropriately toward you, ignoring that you’re a fully capable adult with their own life and need for space. These behaviors could include opening and reading your mail without permission, picking up your phone to read your texts, contacting your friends to discuss you, or showing up at your home unannounced. When you push back against these boundary violations, she will likely claim it’s her right as your mother, say she was just trying to help, or insinuate that you’re overreacting.
A lack of reciprocation
As adults, some people are very close with their parents and may even describe their relationship as a friendship. This dynamic in adulthood is not inherently toxic and can be quite fulfilling. However, such a relationship may cross the line into toxicity when your parent relies on you as their best friend and support system, and when the relationship revolves around them and their life. They may insist that their problems and feelings always be the focus. They may show jealousy toward their other friends or partners if it means they receive less attention. There’s a clear lack of reciprocity, which is generally not the foundation for any healthy relationship.
Potential effects of a toxic relationship with your mother
If your relationship with your mother is characterized by some or many of the dynamics listed above, it’s likely to affect you in a variety of ways. Constant criticism may leave you feeling like you’re never good enough or that there’s something inherently wrong with you. Controlling behavior may make you believe that you’ll only be loved if you remain obedient, small, and powerless. Manipulation may have you questioning what’s true or right. Humiliation can negatively impact your self-esteem and make you question your feelings, as can invalidation of your emotions. Passive aggression can give you an unhealthy view of communication and conflict resolution. Disrespect of your boundaries and a one-sided relationship can make you feel like you’re not worthy of being loved the way you want and deserve. If you experienced child abuse,* including physical abuse or emotional abuse,* while growing up with this parenting dynamic, you may have unresolved trauma that is causing further complications.
In addition to the pain you may experience in the moment as a result of these types of interactions with your mother, the suffering may be long-lasting and develop into toxic stress A dynamic like this could take a toll on your self-esteem over the long term. You may even develop a mental health disorder such as post-traumatic stress disorder, substance use disorder, depression, or an eating disorder as a result of the tension.
It could also warp your view of what a healthy relationship looks like and potentially impact or shape all other social relations in your life. For instance, you may not feel comfortable being your full self with others. You may have a high tolerance for being treated poorly and not think twice about doing the majority of the emotional labor in a relationship. You could also be prone to self-sabotage because you don’t believe that you’re deserving of a healthy or loving relationship with someone, or that it’s truly possible.
Seeking help in healing with a toxic mother
Your relationship with the person who raised you is one of the most formative of your life. Whether you realize it or not, your dynamic with them throughout childhood and now as an adult may be impacting other areas of your life. If you’re looking to unpack these effects, gain a greater sense of self-awareness, heal from any adult or childhood trauma related to the relationship, and learn how to better assure yourself going forward, therapy may help. A therapist can provide you with a safe, nonjudgmental space where you can express difficult emotions and sort out complicated ones. They can help you identify unhealthy patterns and find out how to set firm boundaries for the future, including cutting ties with a toxic parent if necessary. If it feels like you’ve been going head to head against your mother for your entire life, the listening ear of a therapist can feel deeply validating and healing.
You can seek therapy in different ways, according to what’s most comfortable and convenient for you. For those who lack options for providers in their area, have a busy schedule and no time to commute to a therapist’s office, or simply prefer engaging in therapy from the comfort of their own home, virtual therapy is an option. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist whom you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or online chat to address your concerns. Since research suggests that this format offers similar benefits to the traditional, in-person therapy style, you can feel confident that you’ll receive helpful, compassionate care with whichever method you choose.
Takeaway
How do I deal with a toxic mother?
Handling a mother with toxic traits can be challenging, if not outright intimidating. First, talking with a therapist can help you protect your mental health and learn to cope with the psychological pain that often accompanies toxic parenting. The perspective of a professional can make a big difference in how you approach your relationship with your mother if you choose to have one.
Set boundaries in your daily life and clarify that if she doesn't respect them, you'll need to limit contact. For example, if she tries to control your choices with criticism, cut back on the amount of time you spend with her in person or on the phone. Be respectful and kind when communicating your limits, but remain firm in enforcing them. You might feel guilty (or she may try to make you feel guilty), but ask yourself—if a close friend were in your place, would you tell them that they're wrong to set boundaries, or would you be supportive because you can empathize? Give yourself the same empathy.
Take good care of your physical and mental health. Numerous studies show that exercise, eating well, and getting plenty of sleep can profoundly impact your mental health and resilience. Journal your thoughts and feelings to process them healthily, spend time in nature, and do things that nurture and bring you joy. Spend plenty of time with friends and family who will support you.
When should you walk away from your mother?
Toxic relationships are often the most challenging to walk away from because of the guilt and manipulation that sometimes accompanies them. When to walk away from your mother is a personal decision, but there are some signs to watch for that may indicate that you need to distance yourself for your own well-being. Here are examples:
She's abusive
While physical or sexual harm and neglect are the most common behaviors associated with abuse, there are other types of abuse that children with toxic parents face, which may not be so obvious or that might be masked as "strict" or "tough love." For example, a toxic mother might pressure a child to make money for the family and punish them if they don't because it's teaching "responsibility."
She might dismiss or mock your pain when you've been injured, bullied, or otherwise hurt because you need to learn to "toughen up." She might use coercion tactics like guilt or shame to force you to take their side in a conflict. Belittling or insulting you, constantly comparing you (unfavorably) to others, or stripping your personal identity are all examples of manipulation and abuse.
She doesn't respect your boundaries
If you've asked her to call before coming over, and she insists on showing up without warning anyway is an indicator that she doesn't respect your boundaries. Unsolicited, negative opinions about your life choices, trying to control your relationships with others, and oversharing sensitive information are all examples of overreach.
She's negatively impacting other areas of your life
This can be overt, like trying to sabotage your relationships, or covert, like pressuring you about your career or other major life decisions. If she's causing mental distress, anxiety, or depressive symptoms that make it hard to function in your daily life, it's probably time to take a break. If your relationship is causing severe self-esteem issues and feelings of low self-worth, it might be time to walk away entirely. Speak to your therapist about how your relationship with your mother impacts you. They can give you tips for coping and help you decide how to handle the situation appropriately.
She doesn't show empathy or understanding
People in emotional or physical pain need support from others to help them cope. If your mother refuses to be part of your support system, it might be a sign you need to walk away. While it isn't formally classified as a mental health condition, "cold mother syndrome" is sometimes used to describe a parenting style in which the parent is dismissive, emotionally distant, and rejecting. This type of parenting typically signals neglect and can be highly damaging to your mental health.
She doesn't take ownership (or at least apologize) for hurting you
It might be a sign it's time to walk away if your mother refuses to acknowledge the emotional ramifications of her hurtful behavior. If she diminishes your feelings or becomes overreactive when you share them, she probably isn't ready to put in the work to heal your relationship. At that point, it might be better to separate than continue involvement in a relationship that's damaging to your mental health.
How do toxic mothers affect their daughters?
Toxic mothers can have a severe impact on their daughters' self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence. Daughters of toxic mothers might form unhealthy attachment styles later in life, choosing partners who carry some of the same toxic traits their mothers had. In some cases, daughters with toxic mothers will avoid relationships entirely because of trust issues.
Toxic mothers might make it difficult for their daughters to learn how to set boundaries later in life and become "people pleasers" at their own expense. Daughters who grew up with toxic mothers may become hypersensitive later in life. This might look like a daughter who is easily offended by others and perceives slights where there are none. This can result in behaviors like attacking or withdrawing that damage relationships.
The effects of a toxic mother's behavior can be highly damaging to their child's psychological well-being. When unaddressed, those effects can result in psychological conditions like anxiety, depression, personality disorders, and others.
Is it OK to leave a toxic mother?
As long as you aren't in danger or aren't in fear of dangerous retaliation, it is okay to cut ties with your mother if her toxic behavior causes emotional distress. Limiting or resuming contact with her at some point or staying in no contact is a personal choice. Regardless of what you choose, consider speaking to a mental health professional who can help you heal. Take good care of yourself, draw healthy boundaries, and surround yourself with supportive people to help you get through it.
What is the psychology behind toxic mothers?
The reasons why a mother exhibits toxic behaviors are often complex unique, and stem from their personal experiences. Toxic mothers may have been neglected or abused as children in some way. They might have problems with emotional and behavioral regulation that are intensified by external stressors. In some cases, toxic mothers have unresolved trauma or mental health issues. Research suggests that depression and anxiety are the most common disorders associated with maternal mental illness—although mothers with these conditions don't always have toxic tendencies.
However, these aren't the only disorders commonly found in mothers with toxic behaviors. Older, more established evidence also points to mood and personality disorders such as bipolar disorder and borderline, narcissistic, and antisocial personality disorders as a common factor in toxic parenting. The same research indicates that mothers who had maltreated their children had higher instances of post-traumatic stress and substance use disorders.
If you think your mother is experiencing a severe mental health condition, consider encouraging her to speak with a mental health professional (unless you fear her reaction). Severe disorders such as these require a formal diagnosis from a psychologist. If you think she might be receptive, ask friends and family to support you in having the conversation.
At what age is separation from a mother most difficult?
Most children experience separation anxiety between 18 months and three years of age. While clingy behaviors are normal during this time, children experiencing prolonged severe anxiety, panic attacks, somatic symptoms like headaches and stomachaches, or refusing to sleep alone or go to school might have separation anxiety disorder (SAD). If your child presents such symptoms for at least four weeks, consult your pediatrician for guidance.
What are the effects of a mother leaving?
How maternal abandonment affects their child and family varies between individuals and circumstances; however, it can be a devastating experience. There might be shame, guilt, and self-blame. Children might develop trust issues and dysfunctional attachment styles that follow them into adulthood. Mental health conditions like anxiety and depression are common
How do I move away from my mom?
The best way to approach moving away from your mom depends on why you're leaving and the personalities involved. It can be a big step towards independence involving both emotional and practical considerations. Establish why you want to move out. Is it for independence, personal growth, or conflict resolution? Evaluate your emotional readiness—are you ready to live without the direct daily support you're accustomed to? Have an open, respectful conversation with your mom. Let her know why you're moving and reassure her about your readiness. If it's emotionally challenging for her, be patient and tell her how much you care about her and your relationship.
From a practical point of view, evaluate your finances and create a budget, save money, and be sure you'll have a reliable source of income to support your independence. Plan your living options (do you want a roommate or to live alone?) and begin looking for housing options that suit your needs. Make sure you know how to live independently. If you don't know how, learn to cook, clean, manage your finances, and take care of other responsibilities that come with living independently.
What is the silent treatment for mothers?
The "silent treatment" is a form of non-verbal communication where someone deliberately avoids talking to or acknowledging another person to express anger, displeasure, or frustration. It can be particularly painful when a mother gives her child the silent treatment because of a child's need for connection.
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