Feeling Ugly Doesn’t Mean You Are Ugly: Building Teenagers’ Self-Confidence
Have you ever looked in the mirror and not liked what you saw? Maybe you’ve had thoughts like, “Why do I feel so ugly?” or, “I hate how I look!” You’re not alone; about 40 to 60 percent of adolescents experience negative body image, or feelings of unhappiness related to their appearance.
Being a teenager is tough--you’re growing into your body, navigating the social world, and working hard to meet the demands of your parents and teachers all day long. You may be experiencing feelings of attraction towards others for the first time and worrying about whether people find you attractive as well. Plus, with the prevalence of social media nowadays, there’s no shortage of availing to Photoshopped, Face tuned, Snapchat-filtered beautiful people with whom to compare yourself, especially if you’re a girl or woman. It’s not hard to understand why you don’t feel good about your appearance.
If you or a loved one feels sad about your physical features, it is okay to reach out for help through means such as online therapy.
Why do some teenagers hate how they look?
The truth is that many teens happen to go through an “awkward phase,” and it’s just that--a phase. It’s temporary! Lots of teenagers find it difficult to cope with all of the changes taking place in their lives, both physically and emotionally. Teenagers are expected to begin to become adults and take on more responsibility, such as a more difficult course load or their first job, and it’s simply a lot to handle.
Social media also plays a large role in the insecurity that many teenagers feel, but even before social media, teenagers still struggle with a negative self-image. For most people, it’s natural to focus on appearance; it’s simply an expected part of development. But even though it’s normal, feeling as though you are ugly is not an enjoyable experience by any stretch of the imagination. Luckily, there are ways to combat this feeling and improve your confidence and low self-esteem.
Feeling ugly doesn't mean you are ugly: How to be more confident
First, know that it’s okay if you do want to make minor changes to your physical appearance.
Dressing in a way that allows you to express yourself and makes you feel confident is also a great method of improving your self-esteem.
But confidence is not all about looks. It has a lot to do with your awareness, your character, and who you are on the inside. Joining a sports team or an extracurricular group such as the drama club can help you recognize your abilities, skills, and talents. Knowing you’re good at something and being part of a team or group can also boost your self-esteem.
Making a list of your best qualities and attributes and reading over it anytime you feel ugly is one of the self-esteem tips for teenagers. Remind yourself that true beauty is who you are on the inside, which is always going to matter more than your body shape or how you look on the outside.
Spending time with a good friend or friends who make you feel good about yourself is another way to increase your confidence. Paying attention to your inner voice and how you speak to yourself can also make a difference. If the things you tell yourself are so mean that you’d never say them to a friend or anyone else, then you shouldn’t say them to yourself, either! In fact, try to treat yourself the way you’d treat a person you care about very much. You’re likely to find that your thoughts become much more rooted in kindness, and that such a mental shift feels good and increases your overall confidence.
Helping others is also an amazing way to make you feel better about yourself. Who cares what you look like when you can do things like tutoring a fellow student who’s struggling in class or helping an elderly neighbor carry their groceries inside? Many find that volunteering, giving to others, and finding additional ways to lead within the community really lets their character shine and helps them feel like they're making a difference.
What if I can’t stop thinking about my appearance?
While feeling ugly or unhappy with your appearance is a normal part of the teenage experience, if it begins to affect your mental health, it could be a sign of a condition known as body dysmorphic disorder (BDD).
People with body dysmorphic disorder usually have several of the following symptoms:
- An extreme focus on their looks
- Feeling anxious, worried, or stressed about their appearance for the majority of the time
- Constantly checking or fixing their appearance
- Trying to hide or not to be seen by others or themselves (avoiding mirrors)
- A distorted sense of reality when it comes to what other people notice about them or how others perceive them
Those who have body dysmorphic disorder are typically focused on a specific part of their body, like their skin, nose, ears, or stomach, among many other qualities. Often, the flaw they see so clearly is invisible or hardly noticeable to others, which is an example of what psychologists call the “spotlight effect.”
If you think you may have body dysmorphic disorder, reach out to a mental health professional for potential services. They can evaluate your situation and determine whether a diagnosis of body dysmorphic disorder is accurate. They can also provide treatment; usually, body dysmorphic disorder is treated with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT is a type of talk therapy that helps you rewire your thoughts by examining negative thought patterns and replacing them with more constructive, positive ones. Sometimes, psychiatrists will also prescribe medication for body dysmorphic disorder. Always speak to your doctor before considering prescription medication.
Body dysmorphic disorder isn’t the only mental health condition that can cause teens to have a negative body image. Gender dysphoria or an eating disorder can also lead you to feel ugly or engage in negative self-talk about the way you look. Ultimately, you may not even have a disorder, going through adolescence can be enough to keep you from feeling good in your own skin. Stress can lead to habits like nail biting or skin picking. No matter what the cause is, a therapist can help you learn to appreciate and love your own body, so you feel confident about yourself.
Seeing a mental health professional for mental health services can seem scary or overwhelming the first time but remember that they are there to help you. It’s best to be open and honest with them if you want to feel good and improve your mental health. You can also turn to your parents and friends for support during this tough time.
Try to have patience with the process and give it your all, and before long, you’ll likely find that you’re feeling better about your appearance, among other aspects of your life.
Where can you find help with body dysmorphic disorder?
Many times, a quick Google search for “counselors near me” is an easy way to find local mental health professionals who can help treat your body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) or other mental health conditions. But if it’s hard for your parents to coordinate transportation to the counselor’s office, or if you’d prefer to talk to a therapist from the comfort of your own home, then BetterHelp (for people over the age of 18) or TeenCounseling (for people aged 13-19) are both excellent options. They are online counseling platforms that connect you with a certified therapist from the comfort of your own home. All you need is a stable internet connection.
You may wonder if seeing a therapist online is as helpful as seeing one in person, or if you may experience the same results. While every patient is different, multiple studies have shown that online therapy can be just as effective for treating a wide range of mental health conditions as in-person therapy.
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Takeaway
While most people go through a phase in their adolescence where they feel awkward or unappealing, you may find comfort in the idea that these phases don’t last forever. Simple things like self-care and the right support network can make a difference and squash the thought that you’re ugly. If you feel that your discomfort with your appearance is affecting your quality of life or making you feel depressed, however, don’t be afraid to reach out for help or to let your parents know what you’re going through. Your mental health is important, and you deserve to be happy.
Frequently asked questions
Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about this topic.What do you do when you feel ugly?
Most of us feel unattractive at some point or another, but beauty is subjective, and factors like societal standards and personal experiences often influence our self-perception. Unattainable beauty standards represented in the media can also significantly shape how we feel about our appearance. Such beauty standards are seldom reality-based, and images conveying conventional beauty are often altered with Photoshop or other editing tools. Additionally, such standards may rely on negative constructs like sexism, racism, ageism, and ableism.
When you challenge and confront these standards, you may begin to notice representations of realistic beauty and change how you compare your appearance with others. You might also become more receptive to others when they compliment you and speak kindly about your looks.
Beyond the foundational understanding that societal standards of beauty aren't realistic and can, in fact, be harmful, there are things you can do to boost your self-confidence during those times when you may feel less attractive than others. They include:
Challenging negative thoughts and feelings
When you have negative thoughts about your appearance, examine and label them. Are you experiencing anger? Sadness? Frustration? What were the thoughts associated with the feelings? Then, think about what was happening just before or while you were having the thoughts. If you can connect the feelings, thoughts, and causes, you may find that they aren't rooted in reality but in cognitive distortions.
This process may take some time and practice. Still, you can use mindfulness activities, grounding exercises, breathing techniques, and journaling to recognize how negative thoughts and feelings impact your self-esteem. From that point, you can work on reframing them positively.
Practicing self-care
Take good care of your mind and body. Get plenty of quality sleep, eat nutritiously, and engage in physical activity you enjoy. Participate in hobbies or other activities that make you feel good. Consider learning or mastering a skill to challenge your mind and boost your self-esteem.
Practicing self-compassion
Treat yourself with compassion and kindness just as you would a friend who's feeling down. Remind yourself that it's normal to feel insecure sometimes, but you deserve compassion, love, and acceptance just as you are.
Surrounding yourself with positivity
Spend time with people who uplift and support you. Let go of negativity. Remember that people who insult or belittle others often do so because they’re struggling with their own self-esteem issues. Their "opinions" of you are probably invalid and have no basis in reality or truth.
Reaching out for support
Sometimes, feelings of insecurity are so strong that managing them on our own is challenging. Talk to an empathetic friend or loved one if you're having a hard time. Having someone to confide in can go a long way. If you notice your feelings are interfering with work, school, or your social or family life, consider speaking with a mental health professional who can help you work through them.
Why do I look hideous in photos?
Appearance is subjective, and our opinions about what is and isn't attractive (especially regarding ourselves) are often based on factors that don't have much to do with actual looks. Even though you think you look hideous in photos, you probably really don't.
That said, the science of visual perception and camera distortion reveals that we see ourselves in the mirror differently than how we see ourselves in photos. That could be a potential reason why you don't like how you look in photos compared to the mirror.
Do you get uglier as you age?
Whether one gets uglier with age is a matter of opinion often influenced by personal taste, culture, and experience. With our culture's emphasis on youth and beauty, some may think people do get uglier with age despite objective measurements of beauty (proportion, symmetry, etc.). Challenge thoughts and feelings if you feel you're getting uglier as you age. Take good care of yourself, seek support from friends, family, or in counseling, and do things that make you happy in life.
What makes one unattractive?
Empirical research on what makes an individual unattractive is somewhat lacking, but many might say what makes a person unattractive often has more to do with how they behave than how they look. Older studies do indicate that people perceived as dishonest, lacking in a sense of humor, unkind, and lazy were scored lower on scales for attractiveness, as were sleep-deprived or stressed people.
Why am I so worried about being ugly?
There are many reasons why people worry about their appearance—the most prominent of which may be the disproportionate value that many cultures put on beauty and attractiveness. However, if your feelings become more like a preoccupation and begin to interfere with your daily life, it might be a sign of something more serious affecting your self-esteem.
For example, people with a condition called cacophobia have a fear of ugliness in which they experience symptoms of anxiety or panic when they are exposed to or think about something they think is ugly. Body dysmorphia is another condition potentially sourced from an intense worry about being unattractive. People with body dysmorphia are often preoccupied with how their body looks and have a hard time perceiving their appearance in a way that's congruent with reality.
Other conditions that might cause a person to experience low self-image and intense worry over their looks include:
- Eating disorders
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Mood disorders
- Personality disorders
- Anxiety disorders
- Substance use disorders
How do you cope with being called ugly?
While being called ugly can be hurtful and damaging to your self-esteem, remember that people who do such things are typically unhappy with themselves in some way. Their remarks likely have less to do with how you look and more to do with something that's wrong with them. Also, beauty is subjective, and everyone (including you) has unique qualities that make them attractive in their own way.
However, these revelations might not help you feel better right away if their words still hurt you. One way to cope with being called ugly is to focus on the things that make you feel unique and special, whether they're physical or part of your personality. Surround yourself with people who appreciate and value you for who you are.
Take good care of yourself by engaging in activities that make you feel good about yourself, getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and stress-relieving techniques like meditation and mindfulness. Get to know yourself better through journaling or working with a counselor who can help you cultivate more self-confidence and self-worth. With time, you'll learn to cope with hurtful situations like this more easily and put them in their place.
What do you say to someone who thinks they're ugly?
It isn't always easy to know what to say to someone who thinks they're ugly. You might disagree and point out the physical things you think make them attractive, but remember they're likely experiencing more deep-seated issues affecting their self-esteem. Point out the unique qualities that make them special and encourage them to focus on their confidence and self-worth rather than just physical appearance.
What do you tell your daughter when she thinks she's ugly?
Before you respond, encourage her to talk about why she feels that way by using open-ended questions. Validate her feelings without dismissing them. Listen carefully and verify you understand where she's coming from with qualifying statements like "What I'm hearing is that you feel ____, is that correct?"
Once you understand her feelings and where they're coming from, discuss your own experiences with feeling insecure. Let her know that everyone feels that way sometimes but remind her that how she looks doesn't define her value. Discuss what makes her attractive physically, but emphasize the inner qualities that make her unique and special.
Ask about the qualities she has that make her feel attractive. Is she funny? Intelligent? Good at a hobby or sport? Is she a good friend? Any and all of these are qualities that make her beautiful no matter what. Encourage your daughter to take good care of herself physically and emotionally. Let her know you're there to support her during life's challenges and successes—but you're also confident in her ability to handle them with or without you.
Do you get uglier when stressed?
Stress can have a wide variety of physical and emotional effects, but it doesn't necessarily make a person "uglier." However, older studies suggest that stress can make us appear less attractive to some people thanks to the release of stress hormones like cortisol.
Does sadness make you uglier?
Sadness doesn't make you uglier, but like stress, it can create changes within the body that affect appearance. Additionally, emotions like sadness and stress can affect our overall well-being, perhaps making us feel more unattractive than we look.
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