How can I improve my child’s self-regulation and temperament?

Self-regulation and temperament are closely related concepts, especially in young children. Temperament is an innate and biological factor. As children grow and develop, their temperamental qualities may become less pronounced as they learn to control their behavior. Still, children are guided almost entirely by their temperament in the first six to 18 months of their lives. 

Infants are not expected to regulate themselves in any meaningful way, but as they grow into toddlers and preschoolers, the interplay between their temperament and conscious control over their behavior may become increasingly relevant. Some temperament traits like activity level and reaction intensity, for example, can significantly impact a child’s ability to regulate their feelings and actions.

What is temperament?

A child's temperament may become clear to those who know them best early in life. Temperament differs from a child's personality, although temperamental qualities can contribute to their personality. Temperament refers to biological factors that influence how a child interacts with their environment, while personality refers to the combination of temperament and lived experiences.

While human temperament has been investigated for centuries, empirical research on child temperament didn't occur until the mid-20th century. In 1963, child development researchers Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess released the first clinically oriented study of child and infant temperament. Their work demonstrated that innate biological factors contributed to a young child's behavior, not only the influence of parents or caregivers. Thomas and Chess also identified nine temperamental traits that can define temperament. 

The nine traits of temperament

Thomas and Chess developed the nine traits of temperament to categorize individual differences among the children they studied. The younger a child is, the more apparent their temperament may be. Still, older children may also be influenced by their temperament, even when it isn't readily apparent. 

In the modern era, developmental psychology recognizes the importance of understanding a child's unique temperament. Acknowledging temperamental traits can help parents adapt their parenting styles accordingly. These traits may include the following: 

1. Activity level: A child's activity level describes how physically active they are. Some children have high energy and move quickly from one activity to another. Others prefer quiet and calm activities.
2. Biological rhythms: Biological rhythms are regular patterns in a child's bodily functions like sleeping or eating. Kids with regular rhythms may adhere to consistent sleeping and eating times. Kids with irregular rhythms may struggle to establish a routine.
3. Sensitivity: Highly sensitive children may quickly reach their limit with sensory input. For example, a certain sound or texture can be a significant annoyance for them. 
4. Intensity of reaction: Some kids have strong reactions to both positive and negative events, while others have more subdued reactions.
5. Adaptability: Highly adaptable children may adjust easily to changes in their environment. Children with low adaptability may struggle to adapt to new situations.
6. Approach and withdrawal: An approaching child may be willing to step out of their comfort zone and try new activities, such as meeting new friends. Withdrawing children may be more reserved and might benefit from more time to warm up to new people and experiences.
7. Distractibility: Distractible children may have difficulty staying focused or paying attention. Children with low distractibility can concentrate when needed.
8. Persistence: Persistence refers to how long a child can work on a task. Some children with high persistence work hard to overcome challenges on their own. Others with low persistence may ask for help or quickly move on to another task.
9. Mood: Moods can change from one day to the next. Still, some kids seem to have patterns of positive or negative moods. Children with a more positive mood may be happy and optimistic, while those with a more negative mood may appear quiet or unhappy.

Temperament and self-regulation

Each of the nine traits of childhood temperament can influence a child's ability to regulate their behavior. Beginning in late infancy, a behavioral system develops that gives them voluntary control over their behavior and emotions. Temperament can significantly impact the development of self-control behaviors.

Children's temperaments may play a significant role in how well they regulate their behavior or emotions as they age. Still, external factors could be equally important. For instance, children are often influenced by their environment, and factors like involved parents and opportunities for social interaction can influence how well they learn to regulate their behavior. Maternal child-rearing attitudes can also play a role. For example, children with overcontrolling or intrusive mothers may be more reactive and exhibit less self-control as they age. 

It can be difficult to differentiate between normal and abnormal behavior in young children. Their regulation skills are still developing, and they may say inappropriate phrases or act out unkindly. However, it is commonly thought that by the time a child is in middle childhood, they have control over their emotions and behavior the majority of the time and are able to respond to redirection. 

Despite popular misconceptions, it appears that the temperaments of all genders are similar. Evidence suggests that the only significant gender difference is self-control. Girls may have a stronger ability to regulate their behavior than boys and can delay gratification longer. No matter a child's gender, teaching regulation can be crucial. Research indicates that regulation skills are vital for maintaining mental and physical health across one’s lifespan. 

Helping children improve their self-control

There could be several ways to help children improve their behavioral and emotional regulation. However, children who are learning regulation may benefit most from encouragement and support, not punishment. 

While developmentally appropriate consequences for undesired behavior can be useful, it may be equally important to ensure that your child knows they are supported and loved while their regulation skills are still developing. 

Young children are still learning to regulate their behavior. Experts recommend a co-regulation approach to help them learn the skills to manage their actions and feelings. Below are some strategies you can use to help them develop these self-regulation skills. 

Build a warm, open, and responsive relationship

Children can benefit from knowing they are respected as individuals, comforted in times of stress, and confident their caregivers will provide for them. Providing this security may be necessary for a child to gain self-efficacy, or the belief that they can acquire new skills and achieve goals. 

Structure the environment for self-management

Environmental stressors can significantly reduce a child's ability to regulate themselves. Create an environment that is physically and emotionally safe for a child to explore at their developmental level. In addition, consider creating consistent, predictable, and developmentally appropriate routines and expectations that are clearly expressed to the child.

Teach regulation skills

Start by modeling regulation in your own behavior before offering your child instruction and practice opportunities. Behavior regulation might not be an automatic or instant process. It may be valuable to scaffold regulation skills so that they can develop over time. 

Use clear signals and cues

Young children may sometimes struggle to respond to social or environmental cues. Caregivers may help by providing clear physical reminders for children. For example, if a preschooler is talking when they aren't supposed to, a parent or teacher might tell the child to put a finger to their lips. This action serves as a physical cue that it is time to listen and not talk. 

Teach self-reflection skills

When parents or caregivers calmly respond to impulsive or inappropriate behavior, children are given an opportunity to choose different behaviors. Helping children develop self-reflection may require non-judgmental and non-emotional feedback. 

The caregiver may benefit from regulating themselves before responding to what could be perceived as misbehavior. Parents can also introduce mindfulness skills, which could be particularly effective for children who have difficulty regulating themselves. 

Consider therapy

A therapist may help you understand the temperamental qualities of your child and how they relate to their ability to self-regulate. They can also offer strategies for helping your child learn to regulate themselves independently. However, if you are busy and struggle to find time for therapy, it may be beneficial to talk to a therapist online through a platform like BetterHelp. 

Online therapy can be beneficial for busy parents because it can remove barriers like having to travel to a therapist’s office or attend sessions during office hours. With online therapy, you can meet with a mental health care professional from the comfort of home and make appointments that fit your schedule. 

Online therapists use the same evidence-based techniques as traditional therapists, and those who have attended in-person therapy may find the experience similar. A therapist can help you with your child's behavior and support you directly by addressing any mental health concerns you might have such as stress management. Although they deliver their services online, evidence indicates that online therapists can be as effective as their in-office counterparts.

Takeaway

Temperament and behavioral regulation are closely related in young children. Children can benefit from developing the ability to regulate their feelings and behaviors with parental guidance, and “good” behavior is not an innate trait. Helping a child develop regulation skills can require patience and the willingness to regulate your own behavior. For more information about self-regulation and to connect with a counselor, consider signing up with an online or in-person therapist for further guidance.