Navigating Temperament And Relationships With Friends And Family

The fact that no two people are alike can be seen as both a positive thing and a challenge. On the one hand, the different traits and strengths that individuals possess are what make communities stronger and life more interesting. On the other hand, differences in personality can lead to conflict and strife in relationships. Knowing more about the role of temperament in your relationships can be helpful in navigating those differences and enjoying healthy connections with others.

Understanding temperament

According to the American Psychological Association, temperament is “the basic foundation of personality, usually assumed to be biologically determined and present early in life.” Temperament traits aren’t necessarily good or bad, but rather the way that people respond to the world around them. 

Temperament can also be thought of as one’s emotional disposition. For example, do you react quickly or slowly when you experience emotions? Do you experience intense emotions or are you generally a more laid-back person? Are you generally more reserved, or do you tend to be bolder? These are examples of temperament traits that typically show up in childhood and tend to remain relatively stable over a person’s lifetime, influencing their broader personality as it develops.

What are the four temperaments?

Historically, the understanding of temperaments was based on a proposed connection between the predominance of certain fluids in the body and personality traits, though this connection has been disproved in the modern era. Nevertheless, this basic categorization of temperament types remains popular today. Per this original model, scholars suggested four types of temperament:

1. Sanguine: lively, pleasant, warm, often creative
2. Phlegmatic: apathetic, slow to react, relaxed, and content
3. Melancholic: quiet, cautious, analytical, calm, possibly depressed
4. Choleric: hot-tempered, impulsive, irritable, and quick to react

Today, psychologists use additional concepts and terms to describe a person’s temperament. For example, the Adult Temperament Questionnaire identifies five factors of personality (extraversion, openness, agreeableness, neuroticism, and conscientiousness) and four dimensions of temperament (extraversion, orienting sensitivity, effortful attention, and negative affectivity). 

People are complex, and rarely will you identify solely with one temperament. In addition, your mental health can have a significant impact on your temperament; mental health challenges such as anxiety or depression may alter the way you respond to the world around you. 

Identifying your temperament

There’s no one right way to identify your temperament or personality, since there are so many different frameworks and theories, nor is it absolutely necessary to qualify your personality in this way. However, some people find it helpful to identify their temperament so they can better name their strengths and weaknesses. 

Nurturing relationships based on your temperament

It can be helpful to learn how to nurture your relationships with people based on your individual temperament and the temperaments of others. Consider which of the four temperaments could best be used to describe the way you react emotionally, then learn ways you might cultivate stronger relationships with your family and friends by focusing on your unique strengths and monitoring areas of growth. 

Sanguine

Individuals with a sanguine temperament are traditionally outgoing and social people. They are likely to be considered extroverts. They can take advantage of these traits by being strategic about maintaining social connections. This may involve organizing social gatherings, reaching out to loved ones via phone calls or text, and participating in group activities that other people have scheduled.

Sanguine individuals may often be considered “chatty,” so they may benefit from taking care to achieve balance in conversations. One way to do this is by intentionally practicing active listening. The sanguine person should listen to hear instead of just preparing to respond. They can also pay attention to what non-verbal cues their friends are sending and ask open-ended questions about the other person. The effort of active listening can help develop more meaningful relationships as conversation becomes a true two-way street.

The outgoing and friendly nature of a sanguine person may sometimes be overwhelming to others who don’t share the same temperament. It may help to make a goal of allowing quiet time during a conversation or planning social events that are likely to feel less draining to people with a calmer temperament, such as going to the movies or spending time one-on-one instead of in a large group. One way to look at this balance is to consider the different needs of an extrovert versus an introvert.

Phlegmatic

Someone with a phlegmatic temperament is often known for being calm and reliable. They can maximize the impact of this nature by striving to be a stable person that their friends and family can rely on. This may look like consistently checking in when someone is going through a hard time or keeping their word when they promise to not share a secret someone divulged to them. 

The steady nature of a phlegmatic person can sometimes come across as stoic and reserved. They may use their actions to demonstrate their love for someone instead of using their words. If they have loved ones who crave words of affirmation, taking the time to explicitly say that they care can go a long way in nurturing the relationship. 

Phlegmatic individuals are also often skilled at mediating conflicts. They may choose to utilize that diplomatic nature to help other people mend bridges when there’s been a rift. They may also be able to approach their own conflicts with a calm and level head so that they don’t escalate and cause damage to their relationships. 

Melancholic

Melancholic individuals are often especially empathetic to the emotions of their friends and family members. They tend to be skilled at demonstrating thoughtful care with small gestures, such as offering sincere compliments or handmade gifts.

Someone with a melancholic temperament is typically a strong communicator. Their loved ones can go to them to engage in authentic and meaningful conversations. They’re often an ideal candidate for chats about deeper issues or complex emotions that other people may not be open to discussing at length.

The melancholic temperament lends itself to high expectations for both the individual and their loved ones. This can lead to disappointment when anyone fails to live up to those expectations—including themselves. Melancholic individuals may benefit from setting more realistic expectations instead of aiming for an unattainable level of perfectionism. 

Choleric

Someone with a choleric temperament is typically decisive and assertive. They tend to take the initiative in planning activities and making decisions. At times, this proactive approach may be welcome, while it may seem overbearing at other times. A choleric individual may need to assess how others respond to their assertiveness to discern if they need to scale back in some situations.

Choleric people are usually direct communicators. They typically want to participate in efficient conversations, but they may not always know how to phrase things in order to speak with tact or protect the other person’s feelings. By pausing to consider how the other person may feel about a certain comment, they can show wisdom, restraint, and care in the way they speak to friends and family. 

The natural communication style of a choleric individual may not lend itself to conversations about how they feel, so they often use other methods to express their love. Acts of service can be a helpful way to show that they care about someone. For example, they may bring dinner to a friend who is feeling under the weather or help a sibling clean their house when they’re feeling overwhelmed with work. 

Learning to build stronger relationships in therapy

Your personality and temperament can have a significant impact on your relationships with others. Knowing more about your typical ways of thinking and behaving may help you better relate to your family and friends, potentially creating stronger relationships in turn. This knowledge may also allow you to harness the strengths of your specific temperament and keep an eye out for traits that may cause damage to your relationships. 

Relating to people isn’t always easy, though, and conflict may appear in any relationship. A therapist may be able to help you navigate your connections with others through approaches such as interpersonal therapy. With interpersonal therapy, you can learn and then implement strategies for effectively dealing with relationship challenges. 

If you’re having trouble finding a therapist in your area or would be more comfortable speaking with a provider from home, you might turn to an online therapy platform such as BetterHelp. This type of platform allows you to get matched with a licensed therapist and then meet with them via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from anywhere you have an internet connection. Research suggests that online therapy can be as effective as in-person therapy in many cases.