The Gottman Method
The Gottman method is a therapeutic framework that helps couples explore relationship dynamics, manage conflict, increase positive interactions, reduce perpetual challenges, and deepen their emotional connection. The Gottman Method of couples therapy was developed by John Gottman, a Professor Emeritus at the University of Washington, and his wife, psychologist Julie Gottman, after conducting 40 years of research to understand what it takes for relationships to last. In researching how relationships could achieve longevity in the Love Lab, John and Julie Gottman found that nine components helped couples build and sustain healthy relationships. As a result, they founded the Gottman Institute for Couples Therapy.
John and Julie called the combination of these nine components "The Sound Relationship House." It's a scientific approach that helps couples learn how to remove barriers and work together. Relationships can be challenging because each person is unique. Your perspective may differ from your partner's. The Gottman method shows that couples that disagree can attempt to care about each other's feelings and that empathy can go far in a relationship. Empathy goes a long way in a relationship. This type of couples therapy teaches couples how to communicate effectively and show appreciation. When couples learn the Gottman method, they commit to understanding their partner and their unique relationship dynamic.
Common goals of the Gottman method
- Stop the conflict
- Increase positive communication
- Develop mutual respect
- Enhance intimacy
- Promote understanding between each other
- Feel a sense of empathy toward one another
Your relationship may grow when you care about your partner's feelings, and they may feel more loved. Showing empathy for yourself and your partner can be essential. When your partner feels like you genuinely care about their feelings, they may reciprocate that care. In addition, having your partner partake in the same methods, which you can learn through the Gottman method, could help you feel loved and cared for.
The sound relationship house theory by Julie and John Gottman
In the Gottman method, the sound relationship house theory comprises nine components. Together, the following elements may help you maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship where you and your partner can feel heard, supported, appreciated, and loved.
Building relationship love maps
Turning toward them instead of away
Considering the positive perspective
Managing conflict with the Gottman method
In the Gottman method, couples are taught to manage conflict instead of trying to resolve it. Marital conflicts fall under a category of problems that may not always be solvable in a conventional sense. A resolution may not always be possible, but you can work to disarm conflicting verbal communication and approach issues with a healthier mindset with the help of a certified couples therapist and the Gottman method.
Making life's dreams come true
This principle of the Gottman method is about creating an environment where each partner can speak candidly about their dreams for the future. In the Gottman method, they can talk honestly about what they want in life, their aspirations, and their values with each other openly. Each partner may feel heard, understood, and supported in pursuing what makes them happy, according to John and Julie Gottman and their long-term research.
Trusting each other
In the Gottman method, trust is the foundation of a romantic relationship, and it happens when both individuals have their partner's best interest at heart. Trust might be gained from actions instead of words. You can demonstrate that you're there for your partner by showing up for them emotionally and remembering their specific love language. Trust can take time, but it is often a component of this type of couples therapy.
Committing to each other
How does Gottman method therapy work?
The Gottman method is about observing your relationship in real-time with a foundation of love. The Gottman method focuses on aspects of positive psychology and the power of loving someone. John and Julie Gottman found that negativity can profoundly affect the mind, and they wanted to ensure that couples grew together rather than apart. They saw that happy couples felt more intimate when favorable toward one another.
Understanding the Gottman method: Couples therapy expectations
Who can benefit from the Gottman method?
Deciding to go to couples counseling can be challenging. Couples committed to bettering their relationship may have the best results from counseling. The Gottman method can help couples who want to reconnect with each other when they're feeling distant. The Gottman method can also support couples who are having difficulty with communication or find themselves in frequent conflict. Some concerns that might be addressed using the Gottman Method can include the following:
- Divorce or separation
- Financial challenges
- Communication issues
- Frequent arguments
- Emotional distance
- Intimacy challenges
- A lack of trust
- Differing love or communication styles
How to find a couples therapist
A Gottman method couples therapist must have a master's degree or a doctorate and be licensed to practice as a therapist in their state. They must also have training in the Gottman method. Some professionals in the psychological world may know of the Gottman method, but there are specific training levels that a Gottman relationship therapist may go through. This training usually differs from traditional couples therapist training.
To find these providers, consider doing an online search or asking for referrals from other couples. You can also visit the Gottman Referral Network or visit the Gottman Institute's website. The Gottman Institute holds couples retreats for those looking for a short-term getaway to learn about this form of therapy with John and Julie Gottman themselves.
An alternative approach
If you and your partner decide to go to couples counseling, that can be a brave step. It can be vulnerable to decide to take steps toward remedying a concern in your relationship, and you're not alone. However, if you struggle to find a counselor who accepts your insurance as a couple or offers the Gottman method as formulated by John and Julie Gottman in your area, you might benefit from online counseling.
Online couples counseling offers a convenient platform to try the Gottman method at an affordable cost. In addition, you can attend online couples therapy from two separate locations. Studies show that online couples therapy can be more effective than in-person options. Couples in one study felt that the video platform they used to talk to their therapist offered a comforting setting and felt they could connect with their therapist as they might in person.
Takeaway
What is the Gottman test?
The Gottman test, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, focuses on assessing and strengthening couples' relationships. The test covers many vital areas commonly involved in relationship issues, including conflict management, friendship and intimacy, trust, commitment, shared values, and overall relationship satisfaction. It also assesses for specific risk factors like domestic violence.
The Gottman test is delivered in the form of an online self-assessment. Both partners independently answer a series of questions, and then a Gottman-trained counselor and the couple will work on devising a therapeutic plan based on the results. The plan typically focuses on strengthening relationship foundations and addressing conflict areas.
What is the Gottman method or Gottman therapy?
The Gottman method, or Gottman couple therapy, is an approach to couples therapy developed by Drs. Julie and John Gottman. The technique focuses on improving communication and deepening partner connections through daily interactions. The method is built around a "sound relationship house" structured around various ideas and practices that help couples foster deeper, more stable connections. As outlined in “The Seven Key Principles for Making Marriage Work” (Gottman, JM), here are the seven tenets used to guide Gottman's therapy:
Building love maps: This principle encourages partners to better understand each other’s inner worlds, including their dreams and experiences, on a deeper level.
Express fondness and admiration: This principle refers to expressing admiration and appreciation to your partner, regularly acknowledging and valuing each other's strengths.
Turn towards instead of away: Highlights the importance of validating and responding to your partner’s emotional needs.
Positive perspective: This principle encourages partners to positively approach issues in the relationship.
Manage conflict: Teaches couples to handle conflict constructively rather than try to eliminate them.
Make life dreams come true: Couples are encouraged to understand and support each other's hopes, dreams, goals, and values.
Create shared meaning: This involves creating shared “lore”— rituals, traditions, and values that give the relationship a sense of shared identity.
In the Gottman Method, therapists act as coaches, applying these principles to guide couples in learning and improving marital adjustment in times of conflict. Sessions are typically structured and may include exercises like role-playing, structured conversations, and homework assignments designed to improve communication, increase understanding, and deepen emotional bonds.
Is the Gottman method of couples therapy evidence-based?
The Gottman Method is widely respected for its evidence-based approach. For example, a study published in the Iranian Journal of Family Psychology found it to be an effective treatment for helping couples resolve issues associated with dysfunctional communication patterns and ineffective relationship management patterns. A three-month follow-up indicated successful marital adjustment and continued positive outcomes.
Another study published in BMC Psychiatry found the Gottman method increased marital intimacy and prevented emotional divorce in couples coping with infertility issues. The Gottmans have also published numerous studies on the method’s efficacy on their website spanning several decades.
How many sessions does the Gottman method require?
The number of sessions typically varies between couples depending on their specific needs, goals, and circumstances. The treatment process begins with two to three assessment sessions, during which the therapist focuses on understanding the couple's dynamics, strengths, challenges, and pressing issues. The couple may also complete the Gottman Relationship Checkup as part of this assessment.
The Gottman method also offers a two-day workshop and intensive “marathon” sessions lasting multiple days—often structured for couples looking to make faster progress in the program. After the marathon sessions, couples may complete 7–9 additional follow-up sessions every 3–4 weeks.
What is the best therapy for couples?
The Gottman Method: The Gottman Method focuses on building emotional connection, communication, and conflict management skills. It uses structured, evidence-based interventions to create positive interactions, manage conflict, and foster friendship and intimacy.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): EFT centers on helping couples identify and change negative cycles that impact their relationship, fostering understanding, empathy, and shared fondness. Especially effective for couples facing emotional disconnection, EFT has a strong track record of helping couples re-establish trust and security.
Imago relationship therapy: Imago therapy explores how childhood experiences and unresolved issues affect current relationships to increase the couple's intimacy. Partners learn to empathize with each other's perspectives, develop mutual healing, and reframe conflicts as opportunities for growth.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for couples: This modified form of CBT focuses on identifying negative patterns of thoughts, behaviors, and assumptions that affect the relationship. The therapist helps the couple develop healthier thinking patterns and behavioral responses.
Narrative Therapy: Narrative therapy helps partners "re-write" their relationship stories by challenging negative narratives and reframing their experiences. It promotes self-reflection, assisting partners in seeing their relationships and addressing issues with fresh perspectives.
Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT): This type of therapy can be helpful for couples facing chronic conflict or personality-based differences. IBCT combines acceptance and change strategies, helping couples recognize and accept differences while encouraging positive change where possible.
Does BetterHelp offer couples counseling?
BetterHelp does offer couples counseling through its sister site, Regain.
What are the three C's in a healthy relationship?
- Communication includes a particular focus on active listening, expressing needs without blame or criticism, and validating each other’s perspectives. Couples who communicate well learn to understand each other’s thoughts, needs, and feelings to navigate conflicts more effectively and grow closer through shared experiences.
- Compromise is essential because disagreements in relationships are inevitable—but they’re often solvable problems. Healthy relationships include finding a middle ground on issues that matter to both partners, adjusting expectations, and being willing to prioritize the relationship's well-being over personal preferences.
- Commitment provides a sense of security, stability, and future orientation in the relationship. It means investing in the relationship despite challenging times, building trust, and working towards a shared future. In practice, commitment means showing up for each other, keeping promises, and fostering a long-term perspective.
What is the Gottman repair checklist?
The Gottman repair checklist is a tool developed to address relationship conflict management. According to the Gottman method, couples repairing conflicts effectively can strengthen their bond and prevent negative interactions from escalating. The checklist provides a structured way to use "repair attempts"--verbal and non-verbal efforts to de-escalate conflict, rebuild emotional connection, and refocus on problem-solving. The checklist is typically used during or after conflicts, allowing couples to choose phrases that feel natural and effective for them. Some checklist categories and phrases may include:
Soothing yourself and your partner: “Can we start over?” or “I need to take a break and breathe.”
Taking responsibility: “My reaction wasn’t appropriate,” or “I acknowledge my part in the conflict.”
Expressing appreciation: “Thank you for being willing to work on this with me,” or “You are important to me, and I’m glad we can repair past hurts.”
Apologizing and forgiving: “I’m sorry for what I said,” or “Can you forgive me?”
Acknowledging feelings: “I know this upsets you,” or “I understand why this is important to you.”
Problem-solving: "What can we do to find common ground?" or "I'm here to work on it."
Can couples therapy make things worse?
The therapist is unqualified or a poor match
There are unresolved emotions and deep-seated issues
There’s a disparity in commitment to therapy
There are poor communication skills
There are unrealistic expectations
There’s an imbalance in power or abusive dynamics
The process can be emotionally intense
The Gottman Institute emphasizes that effective communication is foundational for a healthy marriage, as it builds trust, emotional intimacy, and resilience in relationships. The Institute’s approach includes some core communication concepts. These include, but aren’t limited to:
The “four horsemen” of negative communication—criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—are communication patterns that predict relationship problems if left unchecked. Working towards reducing or eliminating “the four horsemen” in communication can replace negative conflict patterns with more positive ones.
According to the Gottmans, how a conversation begins predicts how it will end, and like the “four horsemen,” potentially predicts divorce. A “soft startup” (starting conversations gently and respectfully) helps prevent defensiveness, promotes collaboration, and improves relationship outcomes.
“Turning towards instead of away” refers to the tenet that consistently "turning towards" each other’s bids for attention, support, or connection is a key behavior of couples who interact successfully. This means showing interest and responsiveness when a partner seeks attention, even in small moments.
“Emotional flooding”—feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions—can lead to shutting down or responding negatively. The Gottmans encourage couples to recognize when they or their partner are "flooded" and to take a break, allowing time to calm down before continuing the discussion.
“Repair attempts” are powerful tools for de-escalating tension and reconnecting during or after conflict. They can be as simple as a humorous comment, an apology, or a touch to signal closeness.
The Gottman Institute stresses the importance of regularly expressing appreciation, respect, and admiration. Couples who frequently acknowledge each other's strengths and show gratitude tend to have more positive interactions, which buffers against negative communication during conflicts.
The Gottman Institute highlights active listening and validation as vital for healthy communication. This means genuinely hearing your partner's perspective, showing empathy, and acknowledging their feelings even if you disagree. Validation helps reduce defensiveness and builds mutual understanding.
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