Support And Guidance: How To Support Your Friends Like A Therapist
If you’ve ever vented to a friend, you probably know how much better it can make you feel to discuss your problems with someone willing to listen and provide comfort. In this way, many people act as so-called therapists to their friends, offering support and advice on navigating demanding situations. While being there for a friend is not a negative thing, it's important to remember that you can’t act as an actual therapist to your friend since real therapy must come from a licensed mental health professional. As a result, there may be some situations that are out of your depth. Alternatively, there may be times that you feel too busy with your own challenges to support your friend.
Making yourself available for others
It is often important to nurture your friendships. Studies show that people with solid friendships tend to live happier and more fulfilled lives. Being a friend to someone may mean showing up when times are tough. If you have a friend who needs help, you may feel unsure of how exactly to help. Still, the first step is often simply showing up and letting your friend know that you’re there to support them.
Your friends may not always share what’s on their minds. Still, if you sense someone needs to talk, it might not hurt to ask them how they’re doing or if they have something they’d like to discuss. Whether you’re communicating with your friend in person, through text, or via phone call, you can let them know that you’re there to support them. If one of you can’t talk at that moment, the two of you can coordinate schedules and figure out a good time to call or meet up.
Providing support and validation
When we’re experiencing a challenging emotion or situation, we may go to others in an attempt to “solve” the problem. However, problems aren’t always easy to solve, and emotions might not disappear at the drop of a hat. Instead of trying to fix problems or come up with solutions, we can support our friends by validating what they’re going through.
For example, someone struggling to move on from a breakup may tell you they miss their ex and feel lost without them. You may be tempted to tell your friend that it’s time to move on since doing so will likely benefit them in the long run, but this may be invalidating. Instead, you could validate their feelings by saying something like, “I bet that’s really hard. It can be normal to miss your ex, but I’m sure that doesn’t make the situation any easier. I’m here to support you”.
Similarly, a friend experiencing grief after losing a pet may express their sadness. Saying things like, “He’s in a better place now” or, “You’ll feel better in time” is comforting to some, but for others, it may feel like you don’t understand what they’re going through. Instead, you can try validating your friend’s feelings by saying, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know you really loved your pet. How can I help you feel better?”
Another way to support your friend in need could be by practicing active listening. This might mean staying engaged as they talk with you, asking questions, and listening deeply rather than listening to respond. Active listening can show your friends that you are present with them in their challenges, which can offer comfort.
Offering advice to them if it’s wanted
If your friend comes to you looking for support, consider that they might not always be looking for advice. It may feel helpful to directly ask your friend, “Do you want me to just listen, or do you want my advice?”
If your friend is just looking to vent, engaging in active listening is often an effective way to show your support. Remember that your friend might need comfort and care more than they need firm solutions to their situation. If your friend does want your advice, it might work to call upon your own experiences and share how you have handled a similar situation.
If your friend is going through something that you’ve never experienced, you may feel like you don’t have any good advice. In this case, it can feel hard to know what to say to help someone. The statements and behaviors that make one person feel better may make another feel worse, so it's often hard to know your friend’s perspective.
However, it may be useful to think about your friend and your relationship with them. From there, you can decide what may help them feel better. If they tend to cope with humor, for example, you may try cheering them up with a joke. If they are a logical person, you may work with them to reframe the situation in a more positive light and think about how it may benefit them in the future.
One thing to consider when offering advice: while you may feel like you know exactly how to help your friend, you might not want to overstep. It's often helpful to let your friend maintain control of the conversation. If they don’t appear interested in the advice you’re offering, it may be a sign to pull back and let them take charge of the conversation. You may want to keep in mind that this is their life, and they must make their own decisions.
Setting boundaries
In an ideal world, we would always be available to help our loved ones through tough situations. In reality, though, we often have busy schedules and our own life stressors to manage. It may feel difficult to tell a friend you can’t help them in their time of need. Still, it's important to know your limits and create boundaries when you lack the bandwidth to help other people.
For example, imagine your friend comes to you and is upset because they got passed up on a job promotion. You may have had a stressful day and feel like you aren’t in a good emotional state to help. In these sorts of situations, its often more appropriate to set a boundary with your friend. You may say something like, “I’m sorry you’re feeling down. Today is really busy for me, but let’s get dinner tomorrow and talk about it,” or reschedule for another time when you feel you’ll feel more able to help. It might not always feel easy to set boundaries, but prioritizing your own peace may enable you to be a better friend in the long run.
Options for mental health support
When your friend needs support that you can’t provide, there are other options that can help them navigate their challenges. For example, studies show that a meditation practice can help people improve physical and mental health and learn how to better handle stress. Similarly, many people find yoga to be calming for the mind and body.
Others may find solace and comfort in journaling, taking a relaxing bath, or utilizing other self-care strategies. Suggesting one of these interventions to your friend may allow you to provide some assistance even if you can’t be present with them at the time.
How getting help from a counselor can help
Having friends to rely on is often beneficial for mental health. Still, there are some situations that friends can’t resolve. In these cases, connecting with a licensed therapist is often an effective way of addressing life stressors or mental health conditions. Speaking with a mental health professional can help individuals address their concerns, learn new coping skills, and work towards living a happier life.
Online therapy can provide a convenient option for those individuals who need the support and guidance of therapy but have busy schedules. Remote therapy can enable them to schedule sessions at their convenience and meet with their therapist from the comfort of their homes. This can help save them time, money, and stress by avoiding commutes to an in-person office.
Moreover, research indicates that online therapy, specifically cognitive behavioral therapy, can be as effective as traditional, in-person therapy. The quality of your care doesn’t have to change due to its format. In fact, some may find it easier to engage regularly and comfortably in online therapy.
Takeaway
Can you refer your therapist to a friend?
You can refer your therapist to a friend, but it may be a good idea to talk to your therapist first and ask their opinion on referrals. They will be able to guide you through the potential pros and cons of sharing a therapist with a friend and give you some points to think about so you can make an informed decision.
How do you know if your friend is using you as a therapist?
It’s important to be there for your friends during difficult times, and sharing our inner thoughts and feelings can cultivate closer bonds of friendship. However, it’s also important that all parties feel supported and respected. Here are a few signs that your friend might be using you as their therapist:
- Your conversations are usually one-sided. Your friend may be using you as a therapist if they consistently dominate conversations with their problems without showing interest in your well-being or asking about your life
- Your friend frequently unloads their emotional burdens on you without considering your capacity or boundaries
- Your friend rarely offers support or validation when you share your own struggles or concerns
- Your friend relies on you as their primary source of emotional support and doesn’t seek help from other resources such as professional therapy or counseling
- Your friend frequently contacts you for emotional support, even during inconvenient times or if you’re busy
- You feel emotionally drained after interactions with your friend from taking on their emotional burdens
Can I date my therapist?
No. Guidelines established by the American Psychological Association (APA), the American Psychiatric Association (APA), the American Counseling Association (ACA), and other therapeutic organizations state that intimate relationships of any kind between a therapist and their client are unethical. It is also illegal in most states.
Can a therapist ever become a friend?
The same guidelines that prevent therapists from dating their clients also state that developing a friendship with them is unethical. Inappropriate relationships of any kind are called dual relationships, and therapists are ethically bound to refrain from engaging in them.
What should you do when a friend treats you like a therapist?
If you have a friend who treats you like a therapist, you might feel unsure about how to approach the issue with them—or even if you should approach it at all. However, being used as a therapist by a friend can leave you feeling depleted and overwhelmed, and in such cases, addressing the point is necessary to keep your relationship balanced and healthy.
The first thing you can do is to communicate your limits and set boundaries with your friend honestly. Let them know when you are and are not available for support, and be honest about what you do and don’t feel comfortable giving advice about. Suggest that your friend seek support from a therapist or counselor to address their emotional needs and challenges.
Can I ask my therapist out on a date?
It is against ethical guidelines established by the APA and other mental health organizations to date a client, and it’s also illegal in many states. Asking your therapist out on a date puts them in a position where they’ll have to risk hurting your feelings by saying no—or discontinuing treatment if they feel that you aren’t making progress in therapy because of your romantic interest in them.
Can I go back to my old therapist?
If you parted on good terms before and they have room on their schedule, going back to an old therapist rather than seeking help from someone new has its benefits. You have already established a relationship, and they already know about your background, concerns, and history. If you feel like giving it another try with your old therapist, explain why you stepped away and why you’d like to come back. If they have room, they’ll likely schedule an initial appointment to discuss your goals, address concerns, and devise a treatment plan.
How do you set boundaries if you’re a “therapist friend”?
Because they’re often compassionate and empathetic, “therapist friends” might have difficulty recognizing and setting boundaries. However, if you find that you’re the one giving out therapeutic advice all the time without receiving friendship and support in return, setting boundaries is necessary to keep yourself balanced and mentally healthy. Here are some suggestions:
Identify your own wants and needs
It might be necessary to do some self-searching, but asking yourself what you need and want from your friendships is the first step to setting healthy boundaries. You may consider writing in a journal, doing some mindfulness exercises, or even writing a letter to your friend about how you feel. You don’t have to send it, but it’s an excellent way to label and communicate your feelings more easily.
You might also need to use some trial-and-error to determine what you need for yourself. For example, if you feel overwhelmed after a long day at work, you might need time alone to refresh and regroup. Or you might find that meeting up with a friend for a walk and some lighthearted company works best to energize you. Regardless, figure out what you need to care for yourself and use those needs as a baseline for setting boundaries.
Establish time limits
Part of figuring out your own boundaries is determining how much time you have to devote to other people’s wants and needs. Set specific time limits for conversations or interactions with your friend to ensure you have time for your needs and responsibilities.
Communicate openly and honestly
Clear, honest communication is essential in every aspect of life, including in your friendships. Communicate your boundaries and limitations to your friend in a compassionate, non-judgmental way. Let them know what support you can and can’t provide and what you feel comfortable discussing.
Model the behavior you’d like to see from them
Simply exercising your own boundaries may prompt them to follow your lead. For example, check in with your other friends before beginning a heavy conversation. You may say something like, “Hey, I’m having a hard time with ___. Do you have the time and energy to hear about it right now?” When the friend who uses you as their therapist sees the right way to ask for help, they might feel compelled to do the same.
Redirect the conversation
It might take time for your friend to break the habit of treating you like a therapist. If they continue dominating your time together with conversations about their problems, gently redirect the topic to something else. Talk about positive things, funny anecdotes, or even about good movies you’ve seen or books you’ve read lately. When they steer their part of the conversation away from their issues, encourage the new trajectory by asking questions. For example, if they’ve already seen the movie you brought up, ask what they thought about it or if they’re familiar with the actors. This may seem like “small talk,” but it’s a stepping stone to more balanced interactions.
Encourage professional help
Encourage your friend to seek guidance from a qualified therapist or counselor for more in-depth and ongoing emotional support. There are likely some topics that a mental health professional would be better equipped to address.
How do you ask questions like a therapist?
Most therapists ask open-ended questions when seeing a client. For example:
- “What expectations do you have about therapy?”
- “What goals do you have that you’d like support with achieving?”
- “How do you think ____ impacts other areas of your life?”
- “How do you feel about your reaction to ___?”
- “What positive changes would you like to make in your life?”
- “How would you describe your mood on a typical day?”
- “Why does ____ make you feel ___?”
- “What do you find makes you feel better/worse about ___?”
Active listening is just as critical (if not more) as asking questions. Most therapists will let the client talk about their concerns and finish their thoughts completely, then take a moment to reflect before responding. A good therapist will verify their understanding of what the client is saying by asking qualifying questions such as “If I understand correctly, what you’re saying is ___. Is that correct?”
What should you do when your therapist is mean to you?
If you feel comfortable enough, consider bringing it up with your therapist. For example, you may say something like, “I felt like you were being insensitive when you said ___ in our session last week, and it’s been bothering me ever since,” or “It hurt my feelings when you said ____ when we were talking about my partner.” It’s possible that there was a misunderstanding, and your therapist will appreciate the opportunity to clear it up.
If this doesn’t help, and you feel anxious before attending sessions because they’re mean or you don’t feel like you’re getting what you need from therapy, ask for a referral to a new therapist. Suppose you feel like your therapist is exploiting you in any way, misleading you about their credentials, practicing outside of their qualifications, or violating your. In that case, you may consider reporting them to the state licensure board.
- Previous Article
- Next Article