How abuse affects future relationships?

Abuse can have a lasting impact on future relationships, especially childhood abuse and intimate partner violence or domestic abuse. In cases of severe childhood abuse or neglect, the child begins to learn at a young age that the caregivers are not safe, loving, trustworthy, or reliable, and they begin to perceive the world as a frightening, dangerous place. The family unit is a microcosm of the world at large to the child, and the interactions between the child and parent, and even siblings is a way of teaching the child how to relate to, interact or communicate with, work through conflict, and learn how to get their needs met. If the child is not provided a good enough parent or caregiver, the child may not bond to the parent or any other substitute. If a child has been consistently neglected or abused, it can result in reactive attachment disorder, which leads to difficulty connecting emotionally with others, lack of trust, emotional problems, which can develop if a child is repeatedly abandoned, neglected, or feels uncared for, powerless, or isolated.

Abuse can also influence how we bond and attach to others in relationships. Other attachment styles that may have resulted from some form of abuse or trauma include anxious-ambivalent attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment. Anxious-ambivalent attachment styles are often marked by intense feelings or worries about being rejected or abandoned. These individuals might seek constant reassurance, be preoccupied with the relationship, be overly sensitive to a partner’s needs, and may not feel completely safe or secure in their relationships. Avoidant attachment styles are often characterized by attempts to emotionally distance oneself from relationships, rejecting a partner’s attempts to connect emotionally. These individuals might appear cold, stoic, prefer autonomy and independence to closeness, and may feel engulfed in a relationship. Disorganized attachment styles are characterized by difficulty in tolerating emotional closeness in relationships. Past trauma might be recreated in relationships. They may feel this push-pull in relationships, struggling between the desire to connect with others and the need to protect themselves emotionally. Individuals with this kind of attachment style might have fear and anxiety arise when forming relationships, suffer from low self-esteem, and feelings of loneliness.

In situations where there has been sexual abuse, assaults, bullying, intimate partner violence, or domestic violence, survivors might experience flashbacks, nightmares, feel as though they are reliving certain events, or have difficulty trusting others. This can be difficult for both partners to navigate as survivors may, at times, feel they are still trapped in an abusive relationship, can’t trust their partner, or may anticipate more abuse. If survivors feel safe enough, they might show or express emotions they may have had to hide from their abusers, such as shame, self-blame, sadness, anger, frustration, and fear. At times, the survivors might project these feelings onto their new partner and unconsciously expect the cycle of abuse to repeat. Some survivors may recognize that they have been in a pattern of abusive relationships. If this is the case, survivors may want to take time alone with the support of a counselor, friends, family, or a support group before entering into a new relationship. Healing and building trust with new, healthy partners is possible if both partners can openly express and healthily communicate such painful emotions with awareness and self-accountability. Trust might take longer to build, but it can be very healing to learn to trust again and receive love and affection.

Attachment styles are often formed as a result of early childhood experiences of bonding with parents or caretakers. Styles might be passed down from one generation to the next and influence how you attach or relate to romantic partners or how you relate to children as a parent. However, learning about your attachment style, counseling, and developing self-awareness can help curb or overcome negative tendencies.