How to get over past trauma

Dear Lexi,

The situation you describe is all too common among trauma survivors. It’s great that you are inquiring about it, because the good news is that patterns of behavior, even deeply entrenched patterns, can be modified. It is very normal that you have not been able to make these changes on your own. The mind is complicated and confusing, such as when you say you know your self-worth, but realize you are not behaving as that worthy person.

Knowing what to do and actually doing it are two very different things. This is a frequent source of huge frustration for anyone who has ever tried to make positive changes in their life. The knowing comes way before the capacity to implement new behavior.

I hope you plan to follow up this question and answer by signing up for therapy. Working with a therapist who is skilled in trauma treatment can help you figure out how to make the changes needed so that your actions will reflect the person you are and want to be.

Your therapist would likely start out by providing you with some psychoeducation about traumatic experiences and how they impact a person’s brain. Psychoeducation is the process of providing information to a client about the issues they are dealing with, how they originate, how they are treated, and what the person can expect in therapy. Knowledge is power, and this fact-based information creates a good foundation for your future work in therapy.

You might wonder why you have chosen partners or ended up in friendships with people who mistreat you when that is the last thing you want. No one wants to be mistreated. But trauma can impact a person’s judgement. When you have a history of abuse and mistreatment, your mind develops a subconscious expectation regarding how you expect people to treat you, about what is “safe” and what is suspicious.

One of my favorite trauma therapists, Janina Fisher, PhD, explains it well. She says, “Emotional memory converts the past into an expectation of the future.” This illustrates the fact that trauma is not so much a matter what happened to you in the past. It is about how your mind and body adapted to that dangerous situation. There is a part of you that continues trying to protect you as if you still lived in a state of danger. Trauma symptoms are really emergency coping skills that have outlived their usefulness, but have become automatic.

You reference that you have become tired and frustrated in relationships in which you have been treated badly. And that you have then displayed toxic traits or behavior toward the other person. This actually makes perfect sense. We all have different “parts” of our personalities. For you, it sounds like one part of you expects and accepts mistreatment. But I’m sure there are other parts that realize this is not acceptable. So, after a time when the submissive part accepts someone’s bad behavior toward you, it is likely that a “fight part” emerges. This part does not know how to calmly set boundaries, so it responds in kind – lashing out with anger, protecting itself any way it can.

Therapy can help you integrate your different parts and allow your true self to guide you in both choosing healthy relationship and reacting to conflict.

I hope this has shed some light on the confusing aspects of your own behavior and given you hope that, with time, you will be able to act intentionally and deliberately according to your true values.

Julie