I am resentful and I don't know how or where to start???

Hi Chelly, that's a great question and probably one with which many of the readers can probably identify. Over the recent years there has been an emphasis on trauma-informed care because it has become apparent that so many of us have experienced traumatic events which influence the way we see and approach the world.

To address your specific question, I'd first like to challenge the idea that you're a "resentful person." The way that's worded makes it sound like "resentful" is a part of you, like a description of your person, like an enduring personality trait. You probably have some unresolved resentment but that doesn't identify you as a person. Resentment following trauma is not an abnormal response. It is the expected response when a person or the universe hurts you, especially as a child. However, even though it is normal and natural, that doesn't mean it is ideal and adaptive for us going forward trying to live our best lives. Like you said, it can seriously impair our ability to form trusting and healthy relationships.

So, where do you begin in the process of dealing with this resentment? Well, actually, I think you have already begun. Like some of my childhood friends used to say, "knowing is half the battle." Give yourself some credit for the first half of the battle. You've begun this process by knowing a few things about it. You've already acknowledged the problems with your resentment and relationship difficulties. You recognize and understand the connection between the trauma and the personal and interpersonal problems now. You've searched out and sought help from a reputable source. So, hopefully you can shift your thinking to believe that you're already half-way into this process and it is the natural thing for you to just continue moving forward.

Allow me to share a metaphor comparing physical and psychological trauma that I and many of my past clients have found helpful and motivating. Trauma to the psyche is like harm or injury to the body in a lot of ways. Think of a child who falls and scrapes his knee on the playground. He might naturally get up and rub some dirt in it and keep playing. He might get some sweat and grime and bacteria in the wound, which might cause infection to develop over time if left untreated. It might turn into an infected scab which could create a bigger problem the more time that passes, and at least will cause a lot of pain and suffering. So, how do you deal with it? Well, if at the time of the injury you have the insight and understanding of first aid and wound care, you'd address it right away by disinfecting it and putting antibiotic ointment over it with a sterile bandage. Most kids on the playground might not have that insight and understanding, so they deal with it as described above. After that innocent, unintentional, and ignorant, but negligent, development of the infected wound has unfolded, treating the trauma is still possible but might require more work and effort. We would need to clean the wound with soap and water, then maybe wipe with a disinfectant. We might need to apply some antibiotic ointment and dress it with a clean bandage. We'll need to uncover it regularly to look at it and do the same cleansing and redressing process to make sure that the infection is subsiding and the wound is healing.

So it is with psychological trauma. If you have the insight and understanding of psychological first aid, it is best to address it at the time of the injury. Most children do not have that ability. If there is a responsible adult the child trusts who can help with that first aid at the time of the injury, that is ideal, but many children either don't have that or won't seek the help of an adult for a number of reasons. So, they bury it under layers of dirt and sweat and grime in their psyche. But, as it happens with physical trauma, the wound in the psyche festers and becomes infected. That infection can manifest itself in a lot of different ways; depression and anxiety, nightmares, flashbacks, social problems, interpersonal and relationship issues, and so on. We have to treat it like we would an infected flesh wound, only this one is deeper and more covered up. We need to recognize it is there and make the connection between the trauma and the dysfunction in our life, which you have already done. We must bring the trauma and its consequences into our awareness. We have to inspect and assess the nature of the injury and the degree of infection. Then we need to start the process of cleaning and disinfecting it, which can be done personally or with loved ones, but works best in the competent care of a wound specialist. In the case of injury to the psyche, that would be a psychologist or mental health provider. They have studied these types of wounds and have knowledge and training in how to clean and disinfect them through cognitive and behavioral processes. It will also be helpful to put on some antibiotic ointment which might be compared to the healing that comes with mental and emotional processing of the trauma and forgiveness of ourself and others, not for them but for us to move forward. It will be important to not let this be a one-time cleaning treatment, but to have some regular check ups to uncover the wound and look at it to see how it is healing and if the infection is subsiding, and then to get clean bandages because the wound is going to be draining the infection and it will get dirty. We will need to engage in regular care with a psyche wound care specialist to make sure it heals properly and forms a good health scar.

Does this metaphor resonate with you and motivate you to keep digging at the resentment? Does it give you any ideas on how to keep going after the "knowing is half of the battle" which you've already done? Sorry to finish my response to your question with more questions, but I think you're the only one who can determine how to go forward. I believe in you and your ability to get the help you need to clean up and heal the injury to your psyche, and I think you'll notice a lot of benefits to resolving that trauma. As mentioned above, healing the psychological infection will probably result in less depression and anxiety, fewer nightmares and flashbacks, less social problems, and fewer interpersonal and relationship issues, and so on.