Ask a therapist > Abuse > Should I expect my husband to answer questions about his affair and prove that it is over?

Should I expect my husband to answer questions about his affair and prove that it is over?

He had an affair that lasted over 10 years. We are divorced but are attempting to reconcile. He agreed to answer my questions about the affair and to tell the affair partner that he can have no further contact with her. I'm not asking for details, just facts. Now he is backing up on that agreement. He thinks I should just trust him when he says it's over.
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Asked by susieQ
Abuse
Answered
05/01/2022

I think you have to determine what you need for you to reconcile with your husband.  You have to decide why it is important to hear the details of the affair.  Sometimes this is what people think they want but it does not go as well as they may think.  I can't really tell you what you should or should not do   I think the most important thing is to have you forgiving him and having you move on from the affair.

The important questions may be:

  • Have you forgiven him and do you trust him? 
  • Why is it important that you hear the details and do you need to hear them in order to forgive him? 
  • Do you think he will do it again and do you know why he committed the affair?

I think the important thing is that you build trust and learn communication skills that will help you to understand one another and to learn now you can both prevent it from happening again.  

Has your husband accepted his responsibility in the situation and has he asked for forgiveness from a place of true remorse?  He is definitely responsible for his own behavior; however was there something going on the marriage that many have contributed to the situation.  You know what you need to move on and it is important that you get what you need to move on.  Explore whether your expectations are reasonable.  Therapy can help you explore your options in a nonjudgmental and effective manner.  You need to be sure that you are healed and can accept him back into your space.  You can survive this situation if you take the right steps.  You have to be honest about your feelings and you have to be able to trust that what he says is the truth.   

How do you think knowing the details will help?  Make sure you are making decisions based on the relationship between the two of you and not what others think and believe. Do you love him and do you believe he loves you?  Do you trust him? 

I would enjoy the opportunity to help you figure this out.  

(LCSW)