Ask a therapist > ADHD > How can I show and express my emotions in healthy ways while in relationships?

How can I show and express my emotions in healthy ways while in relationships?

I have been diagnosed with ADHD in the last couple years, and I sought help with it because it causes me to have severe mood swings. I have been able to see less and less of these since starting my medication. But I’m still having problems expressing myself when in a relationship. This is the second time I’ve been told I don’t know how to express what I’m feeling and then I just end up in tears, which has resulted in failed relationships. There was one I wanted to stay in but I pushed him away without even realizing until it was too late. I do fine expressing these emotions when I’m able to stop and think, but in person I lose all my thoughts and words so I get frustrated. I’ve always had issues with my emotions and they’ve always come out as tears. I just want to find a way to cope with this so that I can keep my relationships and be happy, while also making sure my partner knows how I’m feeling without them feeling attacked or hated.
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Asked by Rayna
ADHD
Answered
09/06/2022

Hi Rayna, 

Thank you for reaching out with this very good question. It sounds like the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is causing significant concerns and I want to address all of them.

Classic criteria for ADHD is impulsivity, decreased ability to focus and decreased ability complete tasks. It sounds like in your relationships you have been dealing with these classic parts of ADHD and it is making it difficult to communicate with your mate. In your next relationship, I would encourage you to be transparent and open from the beginning. Let your mate know that you have this diagnosis and also express that it has caused difficulty communicating effectively in the past. Ask your partner to one, be patient with you and also ask that two, your mate give you more time to answer questions or communicate your feelings. You may also need to ask that your partner state all their concerns and you take the time needed to clearly think about your response to the concerns. You might even want to try writing your thoughts and feelings down so that it is clear what you would like to say so that you are effective in your communication.

In addition to being transparent and open with your mate, you may also want to engage with a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. CBT helps people identify their thoughts, feelings and behaviors and while working with your therapist he or she can help you change your thoughts and feelings so that you act in ways you would like to. 

It also sounds like mood swings are also a concern for you as well and addressing mood swings will also be important for you moving forward in relationships. When you are living with mood swings it is important that you are intentional in working to better control yourself. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will also be helpful with this. Another evidenced based practice that will be helpful is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). DBT teaches mindfulness skills that will help with awareness and there are also distress tolerance skills that you can learn to utilize to better control feelings that we all experience from time to time. Learning these positive coping skills and utilizing them in your daily relationships will be a helpful addition to the medication you are using that is already helping with positive changes.  Best of luck to you! Please be patient with yourself as you work toward positive changes! 

Ayoka Hannah 

(LISW-CP)