Ask a therapist

Hi Pag, First off you should be proud for reaching out. I am so sorry that you are feeling as if you're being negative. Anxiety can be a very tricky thing and can be so different for everybody. What does anxiety look like to you? What do you do when you are feeling anxious? When we are feeling anxious it could be important to explore the why behind it all. How long have you had anxiety? When you first started having anxiety was there something that triggered it? How old were you before the anxiety started? It is normal for people to be worried and concerned about things in our life but when it is excessive worry is when it can turn to an issue for you. At the same time that does not necessarily mean you have a mind of an older person. It could be just some changes going on right now in your life. This is your chance to really explore yourself and see what you truly like and what you think could be fun for you. What did you like to do before you became anxious? What kind of fun things did you enjoy before?  Along with the anxiety it would be important for you to know your triggers. If you know your triggers you can cope more easy. Also with your triggers what coping skills do you utilize? Have you looked into these things before? Once you can help your anxiety and work on it, you can focus more on yourself and what you think could be fun for you.  When you have anxiety it is important to dig deep into those thoughts and maybe even write them out. Write out your anxious thought and then write out the multiple outcomes that can happen from the thing that is making you anxious. When you're anxious a lot of the times you are not able to focus on yourself and do the things you need to do to take care of yourself. Practicing self care could be helpful for you. What are things you do to take care of yourself, your body and your mind?

MP, thank you very much for asking your question.  It sounds like that you may be better off from not being involved with this friend group.  When answering these questions I am doing so without the benefit of asking you questions for clarification or further information.  This means that I have to make some assumptions. Have you spoken to them about this?  It's possible they have mis-interpreted some of your cues, and vice versa.  You could ask to meet with them and during that time you would state your observations in a very neutral, factual statement.  "I've noticed that I have not been invited to xyz."  or "I've noticed that I am the only one that plans events, and when I don't, I'm not invited."  Then, you would state how that makes you feel.  "I feel left out in spite of the times I have included you all in my plans."  That's just the start and I would only suggest having this conversation if you would like to reconcile the relationships, or if you feel compelled to get it off your chest.  Resist the temptation to say the actual word, "why?"  This tends to put people on the defensive, and, since, it's multiple people, it would feel horrible to you to have them gang up on you.   Now, if you plan to not have that conversation, and you are pretty sure that you have ended these relationships, let's talk about how you can move on and feel better.  One confusion I have about your question is that I'm not sure you are feeling tension ABOUT this situation, or if the others are imposing some discomfort and tension ON you.  The latter situation, you cannot do much about.  I wish there was a way to "make" others do things, but there is not.  You can ask them to stop doing whatever, or stop blaming you, but there's absolutely no guarantee to keep them from doing that.  If they are blaming you for the distancing, how do you know that?  Did they say it to you, or did it come via a rumor?  Or, did you make that assumption?  If you hear it from them, this is an opportunity to have the previous stated conversation.  If it's a rumor (or from the grapevine, or mutual friend), you do not even have to address it.  How would that look?  A mutual friend comes to you and says, "I've heard you are no longer friends with xyz.  What happened?"  You can respond with something like, "We all just kind of grew apart."  Now if that's a close friend, that may be an opportunity to vent.  But, theres not a lot of value long term in indulging those who bring rumors to you.  Yeah, I know, this is an opportunity to sling back your own rumors, or get even, or clear the air, but it rarely does and just keeps the drama stirring.   Now, the real meat of the question - how do you move on?  One big thing is to not indulge yourself in revenge fantasies.  These may be as simple as fantasizing what you would do or say if xyz happens.  Instead, recognize that you are doing that, get up and do something different, like plan things for yourself to go out and do solo.  You may not feel like it at first, but it's an exercise of the healing part of moving on.  Start the task of developing new friendships.  Do some gratitude work.  That can look like: being grateful for the lessons you learned from being in that friend group, being grateful that you now have more time and opportunity to develop new, and, possibly better relationships.  Then, at some point, you can release that resentment and forgive them, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because, you deserve peace.   I hope this was helpful.  If this feeling continues on for too long, it may be a thought to consider therapy, especially if it interrupts work, ability to enjoy life, or interferes with other relationships.  

Thank you so much for your question. It takes courage to reach out for help. When it comes to friendships and any other relationships, there are several things you can reflect on and consider when deciding whether to maintain that relationship or not. First I want to ask you to consider what you feel is best for you in this situation. If you could just say whatever you truly felt to your best friend what would you want your best friend to know? Consider this from a different perspective. If your best friend felt this way about you, how would you want your best friend to approach this topic with you? I see that you've mentioned values, which can certainly influence your outlook on relationships in your life. Values are your personal beliefs that are important to you and these values help motivate what choices you will make all throughout your life. So in this decision with your best friend, what are your true values and does your friend agree with or respect your values? It's possible to not have the same values as someone else you have a close relationship as long as you are both accepting of that and respectful of those differences. Now, if you feel your values are too different and it makes you uncomfortable or it causes you to continuously feel unpleasant emotions then it is certainly time to consider what your options are to help improve how you're feeling. So, if you are not sure that you want the same things, is it possible to have a conversation about this and ask your best friend what they do want. That way you may be able to obtain more certainty before deciding whether or not to let this friendship go. I would like to encourage you and remind you that this is your choice so you can decide when and if you want to make a change in this friendship. I suggest trying not to put too much pressure on yourself or be too hard on yourself about this choice and take the time that you need to do what is best for you. While you are deciding, it may be helpful to set a healthy boundary with your best friend. A boundary means communicating directly and respectfully what your intentions and expectations are in a relationship. Setting a boundary may include setting healthy limits to your involvement in what your best friend is going through. It's possible to be supportive but also safeguard your own emotional well-being.  I hope this has been helpful and wish you all the best. Also, if you are wanting further assistance with this, friendships and other relationships are certainly something you can thoroughly discuss with a licensed therapist.

Hi, thanks for reaching out! It definitely sounds like you are in a complicated relationship situation right now; any long distance relationship has its tough spots for sure, but when you compound anxiety and depression from either party into the mix, it gets trickier.  On your end, I'm sure you are feeling frustrated, helpless, and anxious about what is happening on his end of things and your own.  And for you, you are doing what you need to do in terms of your work and following on what you need for yourself, and may be feeling guilty for putting the relationship second to your job.   The most important thing is open communication between the two of you; make sure you are telling him how you feel and hearing him when he tells you how he is feeling.  Try setting aside a meaningful time to talk each day, even if it's for a short time, just to reinforce that he and your relationship are a priority to you.  And work together to find ways to keep your relationship spark alive despite the distance.   If trust is a concern in terms of him nearly cheating out of being lonely, it may be worthwhile to really look closely at the level of commitment and how much you are willing to stick it out if that temptation is there for him.  If your relationship is serious and you both see a future, it may be worthwhile to look at some type of couples therapy to work on healthy communication and maintaining trust while you are apart. On his own, you can encourage him to speak to a therapist to help with his symptoms of anxiety.  It may be beneficial to him both for his own well-being and for the relationship as well, and may help eliminate some barriers he is facing to make your relationship really solid despite the distance.   In the end, you have to do what feels right.  If you are serious, it may be taking a hard look at one of you moving to be closer to the other person in order to have a future together.  And otherwise, continue to work on communication and building trust in each other. Best of luck to you, and feel free to reach out if you need anything in the future!

Hi Maddy,  As you wrote, mental health struggles affect not only the person who is experiencing them but also family and friends that care about them. The fact that you are reaching out with your question illustrates just how much you care for the wellbeing of your relative and the desire to help.  Try to create a safe non-judgmental space in which they can talk openly and honestly about what they are experiencing. Ask them how they are feeling and be open about your own experiences with mental health. Experiencing a manic or depressive episode can be quite scary to the person who is going through it especially, when as you said, they have not sought out help as of yet. Although you may not be able to understand their experience just the fact that you are trying to understand speaks volumes. Educate yourself as much as you can about things like Bipolar disorder, depression, and mania. There are books that have been written from the perspective of someone with Bipolar that can help provide insight into what the experience can be like. There are lots of resources online, but be sure that you are looking at well established sites such as official mental health agencies and governmental departments. If you can learn what some of their triggers are, this can help a lot as well. If for example, there are certain behaviors you notice before a manic or depressive episode that you are aware of, you could gently let them know in a way that reflects care and concern. Although there are many things that may be a trigger some common triggers include sleep disturbances, physical illness, stressors related to work, relationships or money, the death of a loved one or the end of something (such as graduation). Of course, these examples are not all encompassing. Triggers are as individual as each person is. Finding a balance between support and control can also be a bit of a tricky one. Often times, people with various mental health diagnoses experience overly controlling or critical behavior from friends and family. Ongoing communication and acceptance of one another's feelings is crucial for this. For example, talk with your loved one about how you feel in an open honest way at a time that is conducive for the conversation. If they are experiencing a low, that would not be a good time to talk about how you feel when they are depressed. A good conversation to have with them when you are both in a good head space would be to ask them what they need when they are experiencing a low (or a high). They may say that they need company or conversely they may let you know that they wish to be left alone. Remember that ultimately, each person is an expert on their own experience and knows best what they need. As long as the person is safe, if they request to have time alone, for example, one way that you can show them that you are supportive is by honoring their need.  Remain calm and provide support whether you are faced with a manic episode or a depressive episode. For example, sometimes during a manic episode people may see or hear things that are not there. This is often a time where we ask the question of "is it better for me to disagree with them and potentially cause further upset or should I just agree and potentially further fuel the belief further?" Stay calm and reassure the person that you are aware that what they are experiencing feels real to them. It's often helpful to focus on what they are feeling rather than confirming or challenging their sense of reality, which in those moments feels incredibly real for them. By supporting the person you are helping them to feel seen and heard.  A good place to start as far as getting a diagnosis is with a Primary Care Physician or General Practitioner. If possible try and go with your relative, with their permission of course, to the appointment in which the subject will be discussed. It can sometimes be helpful to have examples of some of the concerning behaviors that you have seen, especially if the person doesn't believe that they are ill. The best combination of treatment typically involves medication, therapy, and self-management. It goes without saying that while you are helping them and actively working on supporting them so that you can have a positive relationship, it is just as important to make sure you continue to focus on self care. Make sure that you are taking care of your own needs: physical, emotional, and spiritual, as this will benefit both you and them. You cannot help from an empty well and remember that the tool that you are looking to keep "sharp" is you.  Patience is another huge thing to remember when supporting your relative. Getting better takes time, even once the person is committed to treatment. Don't expect a quick recovery or a permanent cure. Be patient with the pace and be prepared for setbacks and challenges. Managing Bipolar is a lifelong process. Accept both your loved one's and your limits. Remember that they cannot control their moods or snap out of a depression. Neither depression nor mania can be overcome through willpower, self control, or reasoning. Remember that each and every day they are doing their absolute best. Some days their best may look like them not getting out of bed, while other days they will seem like they are completely fine.   Know what you need to be able to lend support and that sometimes you may need to simply step away. That is ok as well. Remember that ultimately, recovery is in the hands of the person, not yours. You can be there to support them and cheer them on but you cannot force recovery (or even being seen by a professional) on them. These decisions are ones only they can make

Hi, B. My name is Beth Tabbert and I am a licensed counselor here at BetterHelp. Thank you for reaching out. I am so sorry you are struggling to overcome a past hurt. Asking hard questions, and opening up about your struggles is the first step in making getting past your trauma and making your life and your relationships happier, healthier, and more successful. We all have traumas in our pasts that interfere with our ability to fully enjoy our lives.  When a memory, emotion, interaction, and sensory information, like sights, sounds, or smells, pop up when you least expect it, it is called a trigger. A trigger is associated with a past trauma, which you have realized. Now that you have acknowledged these triggers, you can move toward processing them and moving past them or coping more effectively with them. Insecurities, feeling controlled and unmotivated, having difficulty feeling close with people or trusting them, and all the difficult emotions are all "symptoms" of trauma. There are many others, that you may be experiencing, that you might not be aware of are also symptoms. Symptoms that can be eliminated or lessened through counseling. Traumatic events can actually change the way the brain functions and the way we interact with our environments. Then, what happens is that you filter every experience through the past event. It sounds like one or more people from you past have hurt you deeply. I'm sorry you had to endure this and that it continues to hurt you today.  I'll give you a few tips to help you to start moving forward. First, acknowledge your emotions. They are valid! Every single one of them. You are not making them up, exaggerating them, or over reacting (or any other possible negative thing people in your life have possibly said to you to minimize or dismiss your pain or experience). Second, know that whatever happened is not your fault. The person, or people, who hurt you hold the responsibility. Your responsibility is to grow from the experience and learn to not let their bad behavior and choices continue to hurt you. Third, when you find yourself feeling triggered by someone else, who has done or said something that reminds you of the past, communicate that with them. Utilize an I statement, such as 'I feel anxious, sad, scared, etc, when X happens and I am going to ask you to help me with this by [state what you need in the moment].' Avoid saying 'you' during this sentence, to avoid an argument and don't respond to their defenses. Try to stay focused on your emotions, not their behaviors. Finally, set good boundaries with people. The people who love you and respect you will respect your boundaries. They may not like it, but when you are consistent with your boundaries, they will catch up and respect them. Setting good boundaries is the way we teach others how to treat us and make us feel emotionally safe in relationships. Also, always practice good self care and positive coping strategies, such as meditation, mindfulness, exercise, favorite pastimes and hobbies, and positive self talk. Writing about your thoughts and feeling can help too. It's a great way to process emotions and help yourself understand them better. I hope this helps to answer your questions. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to provide some perspective.   

Thank you for reaching out for support and for submitting your question. I am very sorry that you are experiencing challenges and difficulties in your life right now. You mention overthinking is a big concern for you. Thinking is something all of us do. And it can be a good thing for us to engage in. It can be vitally necessary in many instances. In fact, there are many times in our life when taking the time to be thoughtful, to think more than we might normally, helps us tremendously and is vitally important.But overthinking? That most definitely can become problematic and can indeed get in our way. It can keep us stuck in place. It can stop you from taking action and keep you from getting things done. It can wreak quite a bit of havoc on your emotions and bring down your overall mood. It can impair your relationships, both personal and professional. It can make you feel overwhelmed and stress you out. It can also lead to muscle and body aches, tension, and overall general chronic pain in the body. Some may experience headaches or digestive issues because of it. In chronic, long-term cases there can be issues with premature aging, a compromised immune system, heart disease and other conditions. It really can do quite a number on your emotional and physical health if left unchecked. So it is vital to notice this pattern and cut it off. Overthinking makes thinking productively and clearly much, much harder – if not nearly impossible. Maybe you worry a lot about the future and what may or may not come to pass. Often, this means making predictions, usually catastrophic ones, which quite likely will never happen. Or you get trapped ruminating and dwelling over the past. Perhaps you do both.Overthinking can be a symptom of anxiety, stress, or depression. It can absolutely be a challenging habit to break. But you can get reduce your overthinking tendencies and things can certainly improve. Practice will be helpful as you won’t change this pattern right away. Practice AND patience will be key.Being aware that you have a tendency towards overthinking is actually a really great place to be and is a good first step. After all, you cannot change something you don’t acknowledge. Before we can change a habit we need to be aware it even exists. Catching yourself when you get caught up with overthinking is a moment of awareness that will help facilitate change.Often, our overthinking can be deeply rooted in fear. We begin getting very focused in on all the many things which could go wrong. Our imagination can truly get the best of us. And when that occurs we find that we get stuck. We can’t seem to take action. We get paralyzed by the endless loop of thoughts. We get frozen in place.The next time you notice that loop of overthinking settling in over you, consciously hit the pause button. Notice if you are thinking about all that could go wrong. Are you having lots of negative worries flooding in? Take that moment to switch over to using your powers of thinking to come up with all that could go right and all the positives. Find some alternatives. Switch gears, so to speak.One option is to give yourself some scheduled worry and thinking time. Set a boundary around it. During the time you can think and mull and stew and ruminate all you’d like. You are not going to overthink and worry all day non-stop. Pick maybe 20 minutes where you will sit and process things. Get some pen and paper. Or sit at your computer. List out all the things which need to be thought about. Write about them. What are they? How do they make you feel? What can you do about them? What is out of your control? Get it all out and when your time is up then it’s time to move on. It can be a good idea to plan an enjoyable, relaxing activity after your get-out-your-thoughts session. If you begin to overthink during your day outside your scheduled time, just remind yourself to get back on the task at hand and make a note if need be that you will get to think about things later.Try to challenge the negative thoughts you have. We all have them. Many are untrue. So check in and see how many of yours could be false. Consider the thought. Ask – is that true? How do you know it’s true? What is the evidence for and against it? What else could be true? Try your best to take a more balanced approach.Feeling unworthy and disappointed in ourselves is a something many others find themselves struggling with. It just simply means you’re human. We all experience it at some point and to varying degrees. Again, you’re not alone in this. And it’s a normal thing to have happen. However, it sometimes can become too much to manage and it becomes overwhelming. That sounds like what is happening for you. If it’s impeding your ability to function well in your daily life, causing emotional upset, holding you back, and causing difficulties in relationships, there is much you can do to begin to feel better. You do not need to continue to live in such a way.Learning to be kinder to yourself and working on increasing self-compassion can be helpful. As can practicing gratitude – savoring what you have and who you truly are. You can begin with finding something small to be grateful for. Begin paying more attention to what is good – or even what is just okay.A lack of happiness oftentimes can be the result of us not having a clear sense of meaning and purpose. Working on this will require a bit more time and effort. You’ll want to become more aware of your values and passions. You might want to consider your current qualities versus which ones you may want to develop further. All of this can come about from self-reflection and asking lots of questions. You can do this alone or working with a therapist can be helpful. It sounds like this has all become a heavy burden for you. And it doesn’t have to continue to be this way. None of these feelings have to continue to control you or get in the way of you leading a joy filled, productive life. Working with a mental health therapist to explore what led you to this place is something worth considering. Together with your therapist, you can set goals and eventually find yourself digging out of what can feel like a dark hole you’ve been stuck in. This is something you can make great progress with. I encourage you to seek support so that these feelings don’t continue to limit and/or overwhelm you.

Hi Kiky! Thank you for your time reaching out for support on the BetterHelp platform. It is a really great sign that you are inquiring about ways to manage your current situation. The fact that you are seeking out guidance and advice truly speaks to your strengths, such as your bravery and resiliency. I truly hope that I can assist you in coming up with novel solutions in order to answer your question. It sounds like you have been feeling concerned about the way the person you trusted reacted to the meltdown you were experiencing. It makes sense to me that you are feeling this way based on the information that you provided in your question. I can certainly understand that having a mental health meltdown can be a truly triggering as well as a really scary experience. It sounds like you really needed someone to talk to in that present moment. You did the right thing to reach out to someone who you trust for support. Unfortunately, it appears that this person was unable to support you in the ways you were hoping for. Additionally, it sounds like you perceived them as being mad at you for reaching out during the meltdown moment. It seems like you were able to make the decision to disconnect from the conversation about observing his initial reaction. How would you have preferred this scenario to have gone? Take some time to answer this question for yourself and journal about your recent experiences. This narrative therapy approach can be extremely beneficial as a means to tell your story. The therapeutic journaling process can be a powerful means of making progress towards self discovery. First and foremost, I want to point out that this person's reaction does not reflect on you. To put this in perspective, his decision to say that you are acting disrespectful says more about him than it does about you in this situation. It sounds hurtful for him to say that and it makes sense that you stopped texting him. It is okay to feel upset, mad, frustrated, irritated, etc. about how he treated you. Take some time to identify how you are feeling using the feelings wheel. This free resource is online and will help you to pin point which emotions you are experiencing. I want to take a moment to check in and see how you are doing. I realize that you have persevered through this mental health meltdown. Have you had a meltdown since? How often do you experience meltdowns? How do you think you have been managing things lately? I would like to encourage you to practice self care skills. Do you have a self care plan already in place? Take some time to implement your favorite coping skills and build upon the routine you already have. It is important that you make some time to take care of yourself in order to fully support yourself as you process this difficult situation. Amping up your self care routine can do wonders in helping you to navigate these types of adverse experiences. In addition, it sounds like you have an element of self awareness in that you knew in that moment that you were having a meltdown and that you needed someone to talk to. This demonstrates great emotional intelligence in that you know what you need and why. All in all, it sounds like the person that you reached out to reacted to your experience in a belittling and invalidating way. This may not sit well with you, which I completely understand. Take some time to practice mindfulness techniques, such as radical acceptance. If you can radically accept that he is the way he is, this may assist you in moving forward. It is completely up to you if you would like to stop texting him after what had happened. I would advise you to do what you think is best for you. If you decide to reach back out in the future, that is your choice to make. It sounds like this person has really hurt you by treating you this way. You have every right to feel the way you do about this situation. Your feelings are completely valid. As a registered art therapist, I always recommend making art work as a means to express your feelings and explore your thoughts. The art making process can be incredibly healing. Take some time to gather some art materials and paint, draw or sculpt your feelings. Perhaps you can make a collage about what happened in this situation. Art making can be fuel for healing. At this time, I would like to recommend that you begin attending individual counseling sessions. Talking with a trained therapist may help you to process this experience as well as gain deeper insight and understanding into your thoughts and feelings. Thank you again, Kiky, for asking this great question on this invaluable topic. It is wonderful that you are addressing your concerns on the "Ask a Licensed Therapist" forum. I sincerely hope that my response has been helpful for you in some way. I want to wish you all the best on your therapeutic journey. Essentially, this situation could have created an opportunity for you to focus on what matters most- you! Take good care and have a nice day!

Dear Catey, I am so glad that you are reaching out for support and help with your daughter.  When we don't know how to handle something in life, it is important but also humbling to ask for help. And this is a great place to land with questions about parenting.   It seems like you are frustrated with your daughter's actions and have also tried everything you know to help her to stop hurting others with hitting and yelling. I can understand how you want to help her and do what is wise to guide her to a different action.   If we were sitting together, we would chat about what you have done to help her with this action and we would dialogue about how you are feeling towards your daughter as well.  Because I am just answering your question, we miss out on that opportunity for you to explain more about what has helped, even for a little bit of time, as well as what your emotional state is like in this reality with your daughter.  Those are important factors in moving towards a solution for your daughter.   So, because we're conversing in this kind of format, know that I am going to be writing things that you may already know and hopefully will also give you some guidance that you don't know so that things can shift and change.   I also encourage you to keep working closely with the daycare facility to help your daughter in that setting.  Have you asked them what they recommend as a change agent for her in that environment?   Let's chat about what your daughter needs to change.   Because your daughter is three, it will not work to talk with her about her behavior and then expect change.  Three year olds, can not change just because we talk to them about their behavior.  She will need to have some behavior changes in her life in order for her to know in action, that she needs to change.  We will talk about what that means.   Of course, you can still talk with your daughter about her actions and how they have affected others and ways she has hurt others.  And we can never expect a three year old to change because we tell them that they need to change.   When a child is acting out, we get to help them learn how to respond to life by how we then respond to them.  What is the daycare facility doing in response to her hitting and yelling at the other kids and the teachers?  Their response is going to be a very important part of the equation.  Three year olds learn the best when the reactions to negative behaviors happen right away.  So when she is hitting, what are they doing in response to her hitting?  If they are doing nothing, that is telling your daughter that it is OK to continue with that behavior.  If they are saying don't do that and there is no other change, again, that is going to communicate with your daughter that it is OK to do that action.  Three year olds learn best by having a reaction in the moment after a bad decision, such as yelling or hitting.  This would look like, the teacher noticing her hitting another kid and then saying, "Sweetie, you have to go inside because you can't be outside when you hit friends."  And then taking her inside while everyone else is outside.  This could also look like, "Honey, because you hit your friend, you have to stop playing right now and have some time sitting on this bean bag chair."  The immediate reaction to the hitting or yelling will teach your daughter that that action is not appropriate.   I also wonder, what do you do when you are at home with your daughter and she is yelling at you or anyone else in the family?  If yelling and or hitting is something your daughter is seeing by you or anyone else in the home, without negative consequences, she will see and believe that that behavior is appropriate for other people and other settings.   It is important that any kind of yelling or hitting be addressed at home. If your daughter is yelling at home, stop what you are doing, go to your daughter's level and then say with strength and kindness, "Honey you can't yell at the dog.  Now you have to sit on the stairs for three minutes."  Or "Sweetie, you can't hit your brother.  Now you have to be done with your snack for three minutes."  This reaction on your part or the part of any of the other care givers in the home, is important for your daugther to know, in the moment, that she can not do those behaviors.   It is VERY important that that response is happening consistently when your daughter is yelling and hitting.  If she is given a consequence for only half or even two thirds of the times of yelling or hitting, she will learn that she can still get away with it.  If we want a child's behavior to go away, we have to be diligent to address it every time it is happening.  This may disrupt the family, because you might have to stop a grocery trip, or you may have to stop dinner or a movie, in order to give consequences AND there is a very positive long term gain for the short term pain of follow through.  If you want some good resources for parenting, I would recommend several very good resources that will help with this as well as many other issues with parenting. Good Inside by Dr Becky Kennedy. Dr Becky also has a parenting website that you can learn from as well.  www.goodinside.com How to Have a New Kid by Friday By Kevin Leman This is a Christian resource within the parent realm, if that is something you would like.  I wish you the best of luck!Paula

Hi Theresa!  Thank you for reaching out for some help with that! Identifying your feelings can be a huge step in learning more about how to control them.  As humans, we have six basic emotions; sadness, happiness, fear, anger, surprise and disgust. There are many, many feelings that branch off of those categories. It sounds like you are already able to identify when you are happy and sad, which is a great place to start!  Our feelings are closely related to our thoughts. These are both closely related to our behaviors. Usually happiness is when you are having positive thoughts. Sadness and anger are related to more negative thoughts. Angry negative thoughts usually contain more energy than sad negative thoughts. Sad ones usually cause our behaviors to be more quiet and reserved while anger causes our behaviors to become louder and more aggressive.  Fear, surprise and disgust can be a little more difficult to identify. Usually when someone is afraid, they are thinking that they or someone they care about is going to get hurt in some way. Surprise is a feeling you get when your thoughts are unexpected. Disgust is what happens when you really dislike something someone else or you yourself did, or said. Pay attention to your thoughts and it will be helpful in identifying your emotions.  If you start with identifying those six basic emotions as you feel them, you can eventually grow to identify some more intricate feelings. That is a difficult skill though. Not many people could state the difference between joy and happiness or between irritated and frustrated and that's okay! It is also okay for every one to have their own variations to describe their feelings.  If you have difficulties identifying your own feelings, try identifying the feelings of people in TV shows. You can also identify the feelings of people who you trust, with their knowledge and permission that you are reading their emotions. They might be able to help tell you what their feelings are and what their face looks like in those feelings to help you learn more about emotions in general.  I wish you the best!  -Melissa 

Everyone can benefit from therapy. Therapy would be a good support for you during this time and transition in your life.  It sounds like you have been through a lot of changes. It always helps to have someone objective who will listen; someone you are not close to who can listen without judgment and help you set amd prioritize goals and implement coping skills.  Depression can occur suddenly and cause you to lose motivation for simply engaging in the things you typically enjoyed. The anxiety can contribute to our body's physiology; such as, over thinking, shaking, sweating palms, upset stomach, difficulty breathing or feeling out of breath and worry/overthinking. The symptoms can be temporary and meeting with a licensed therapist through a venue like BetterHelp can assist you by teaching coping skills and how to implement them in your daily life. We go to a doctor when we are sick so why not talk to a therapist when dealing with anxiety, depression and/or any other mental health issue or symptom. When we are overcome with anxiety and depression these can also affect our day to day activities such as work, school, relationships, and even self care.  Best practice is catch it early before things get worse. When being away from your loved ones after making changes in your life, can contribute to possibly experiencing feelings of loneliness as well. Everything starts inside us. So it is imperative to learn how to openly express your thoughts and feelings.  Additionally, a therapist can help you learn how to effectively communicate and express your inner most thoughts and feelings. I would love to assist you or anyone else currently feeling lonely or overwhelmed. Overthinking and worrying can keep us up at night; which, both are part of anxiety. Sometimes, just talking things over with someone can help us develop clarity and organize our thoughts better. Having a therapist can help you reach your goals, as well as, organize your thoughts, set goals, sleep better and increase motivation. A therapist can listen, provide support without judgement. It is a safe way to put yourself first.  

Hi DE!  Thank you for reaching out for some help with this! Feeling different can be challenging and isolating. The truth is, you probably are different than your family but that is more than okay. Everyone is different in their own way and that is what makes us, us.  I am going to take a risk and assume you have heard that before. In today's society, we are told that it is okay to be different and that it is okay to be unique. I don't think we are always shown that by our family and friends.  The truth is, the only person that has to like you, is you. Sure it's great to have friends and family as support but at the cost of having to pretend to be someone you aren't? Being yourself but also being respectful of other people is so important.  What traits and qualities do you have that makes it difficult to get along with your family? Are there things that you are doing that might make them feel defensive or like they need to argue? I am not blaming you for these things, just asking you to dig a little and take a look at your thoughts related to these questions above because in reality, you can't control other people. You can control you. Sometimes when we want to be accepted or have something done our way, we try to control those around us and we try to push them into liking us and that leads to a lot of tension and frustrations, which can be seen as dislike.  How does you dealing with your problems differently impact the rest of your family? It shouldn't impact them at all. They can be supportive of you while respecting that maybe you do or you don't want to talk about it. Are they doing this? Having a conversation with them in a respectful way about how you feel might also be helpful.  Speak with "I statements" when talking. This means expressing how you feel without blaming anyone else for those feelings. This means trying not to say things in a way that will cause others to be defensive.  It's okay to be different than your family. It's okay to be you. It's not okay to treat people with disrespect so as long as you are steering clear of that, don't worry about what others think and focus on loving yourself.  I wish you the best!  -Melissa

Tragedy There is nothing that can be said here to make anything better. What happens in life are these inevitable situations where pain stacks up and pushes us to our limit. You were not yet an adult, but your parents' children, and now you are trying to visualize life without them, meanwhile living with the pain of watching them both die so abruptly.  Everybody will say this, but what would your parents want for your life? After all, they were the ones who sacrificed to get you to your adulthood. If they committed to their purpose, it was to get you fashioned into a responsible adult who, if blessed, takes on a family and does what is good for others. You are seeing this situation through the lens you are familiar with in your life. There is an alternative view: practice empathy and see the same situation from your parents' eyes.  Since you are a parent, you know what it is like to watch a cute little, helpless baby start to roll over, crawl, then walk, form a personality, and before you know it, start to talk back. The psychological development of children is just as much a milestone as walking or talking. Please stick with me here. However, when our little child minds become aware of others, such as our parents, we become aware of ourselves. When we become aware of ourselves, we start to say and do the things that expand on this "self" idea. Parents have to watch it go down every time we say "no," or "I hate you," or worse. You see, your parents have already sacrificed to do what was necessary, not for the pain itself, but for the joy of seeing you grow up and do the same for others.  Love doesn't stop at death, but continues on in teaching and modeling. Your parents gave you love, and you innately know love. Because of their sacrifice and their gift to you, in raising you and watching you grow and keeping you safe to grow into the person you need to be for others, they served their purpose.  I guess this always comes down to purpose. What is it in life that is worth all of this? What do we think of our life? Is it for comfort, or for purpose? Often when we mourn and lose hope in any purpose in life, it's because we seek the familiar comforts. Your parents served their purpose so that you could be comfortable? No, they sacrificed, innately, to provide for you to become something for others as well. This is the basic premise of humanity and one that you are responsible for, from them.  Use the gift they gave you, their time and genetics, to go out into the world and do what you are supposed to do. If, at this point, you do not know what that means or what that looks like, find what matters most to you. Whether that is service to others, or maybe it is an encouraging word. Whatever your view is on the afterlife, some people become more aware of their transcendent, spiritual self. Your job now is to appreciate mom and dad through living the life they would have wanted for you.  Your children do get to meet your mom and dad, their best parts, in fact, through you. I hate sounding wishy-washy, but this is reality; your parents are not "gone," but only in one form. Your parents invested their entire life into you, and now your kids get to see what that is like as you filter out and give to them the best parts. You have a job, and though sadness is present, you have things to do. Bring the sadness with you. Bring the pain and hurt with you on this. That feeling right now, what you are experiencing, hold on to that. Not as a victim, but remember it because one day, you will need to tap into that pain to relate to someone else and what they are going through. No, your situation will not be theirs, but, you will know what it is like to hurt. Maybe that will be for your own kids, as they grow up and face this harsh world. Maybe one day, you will sit at the foot of the bed while they are crying because a friend was mean or maybe they themselves messed up. Your job at that moment will depend on you today and what you contribute to yourself in finding hope in the darkest places. You can actually find gratitude in all of this when you think about it.  Your parents did all of this, to give to you, your kids, and the world you experience the gift of a fully formed and caring you. Show the world what they sacrificed for.

Thank you for reaching out for support and for submitting your question. I am very sorry that you are currently experiencing difficulty and challenges in your life right now. And I am sorry for the loss of your parents.There is a saying which seems like it might be appropriate in the scenario you are describing: “Resentments are like swallowing poison and expecting the other people to die.”Resentments and anger are those ongoing feelings we hold towards others because of some injustice (often real but sometimes imagined). If we keep holding on to these types of emotions then eventually we find it harms not the other people, but ourselves. We might suffer emotionally and ultimately we can develop physical maladies, from chronic disease (heart disease, stroke, digestive issues, hypertension, etc.) to chronic aches and pain. Also, it can lead you to start responding to neutral persons with a spirit that is irrational or impulsive – which can end up damaging personal and professional relationships. Yet, how do you let this all go? First, anger and resentment are usually secondary emotions. In other words, there are some other emotions which are underlying (fear, pain, hurt, vulnerability, etc.) and the anger and resentment are just what comes up to the surface and can be what is displayed externally. But there is usually something else beneath all that. In this case you did have something happen and it caused you upset and pain. You did not choose for your siblings to act that way. Nor did you choose for your parents to be in those circumstances. There is, however, something you do get to choose in all of this – how you will feel and respond. You get to decide that you will not hold a grudge and that you will be forgiving of your siblings. What’s your alternative? You can certainly choose to continue clinging to anger. But who does that ultimately impact? They will in all probability go on living their lives while it will be you, in fact, who suffers the consequences of the anger. In some ways, you become a slave to them and all those emotions. It becomes a sort of emotional, spiritual, and mental bondage. Can you wish it were all different and that they had showed up? Of course. But that cannot be changed at this point. What you can change, what you can control, is how it is going to make you feel going forward. You do not need to forget the act, but you can set yourself free from the hurt it has caused. Overcoming resentments and anger does not necessarily happen overnight. It is more of a process that requires some patience and practice. You might need to keep reminding yourself that carrying these feelings and emotions is a heavy burden that you yourself are forced to carry around – and that you have the option of putting them down. It is okay to feel some anger and resentment. But then perhaps you do something different with the feelings instead of holding on to them. You can try journaling. This is one tool which will allow you to get all the thoughts and emotions out. You can seek support from a trusted friends or another relative that you are close to. Is there an individual with whom you could sit and have a conversation with about all of this? Communicate with them what you have been going through. Also, some type of physical activity is another way of discharging some built up anger and resentment. It might mean going for a walk or a run, or playing a sport. And while it might be challenging, consider changing the way you treat your siblings. At the moment you want to unleash your fury towards them. That is understandable. But it won’t change the past. And it likely will just cause further damage and problems. So what if instead you displayed kindness? Yes, it could be difficult at first. Acting with love, kindness, and compassion towards them will potentially do something quite interesting – it might, over time, transform how they act towards you. Does continuing to live forever with an angry, embittered dynamic help anyone? What would changing the relationships so that love and kindness eventually predominate mean? You cannot change what happened. They cannot go back and change it. But can you perhaps be the catalyst here? Could you show kindness towards them, which could potentially change how they live their lives in future? We certainly cannot predict outcomes in this case. Yet again, though, you get to choose. Be angry towards them? Be kind? Which will leave you personally feeling better in the end? Unless you have the unique ability to travel into the past to make things look different, it comes down to deciding that you have to accept things as they are. It is as good as it will ever get. You do not have to like it. Letting go will help you release pain. Letting go allows you to redirect your attention and energy into what you can control. Also, you can make choices going forward that might influence your siblings positively – although there are no guarantees with this as we never get to control anyone else’s choices in the end. You have been through a lot and it can be difficult to process and navigate all of this on your own. If you cannot locate good support in your personal life, then it could worth it to think about speaking with a therapist. In the therapy room you will have the chance to explore all the feelings you are going through – the ones you are currently aware of, as well as some you perhaps are not (those one which could be hidden below the surface). A therapist can partner with you to help you learn to cope with all of this. And together you can come up with some good, individualized strategies that will help you move forward in a more positive direction.

I will start by saying thank you for your question and writing about your struggle with feeling lost, guilt, shame, falling off and lack of purpose. I think there is no one way to resolve these issues and that each person may handle dealing with these things differently, but I definitely think there are ways to suggest you could deal with these feelings and then you can make it your own. The first thing that stands out to me as I read your question is I would tend to put feeling lost and not having a purpose together a bit. I think if you are able to find a sense of purpose then maybe you would feel a better sense of direction or maybe a sense of grounding versus a feeling of being lost. As far as finding purpose- I think about a couple of things: the first is purpose can come from something you do. So, what are the things that you do? How do you spend your time? Depending on the answer to this question, I would then encourage you to spend time doing things that make you feel good or give you a sense of satisfaction. I would encourage you to think about the things you have done in your life, and then the things that you might want to do. If you are in a place of not knowing what you want to do with your time and energy, that is okay. Sometimes it takes time to figure this out. In the meantime, again how can we fill your time in a way that makes you feel good, accomplished or energized.  Another good way to gain a sense of purpose is to find a way to help. So whether that be considering your role in your family or your relationships and maybe thinking of ways you can contribute. Another way to help could be to volunteer or get involved in something where you are giving back in some way. This could even be something as simple as cleaning out your closet and donating the items to a homeless shelter or clothing donation program. Last thought on gaining a sense of purpose is I would wonder if there has been any point or time that you have felt a sense of purpose or when you did not feel lost. If the answer to this is yes, then I would wonder what was happening at that time, what made you feel purposeful, grounded or having a good sense of direction. And then once you can identify this, then maybe trying to think of ways you can apply that to your current life situation.  An idea to address "falling off" - The first word that comes to mind for me would be reconnect. The next would be "pick back up". So, if you have fallen off from friends/family, reconnect. Initiate a conversation. Send a text message. Sometimes people just like to hear from you and it doesn't have to be a big conversation, something simple like "thinking of you and hope you are well" can go a long way. Pick back up, if you have fallen off of whatever goals you were trying to pursue, whatever habits you are trying to maintain, pick it back up. Getting started back again is often the hardest part. Remember it takes 21 days to form a habit so it may take a while to get in a routine. Additionally, I think it is important to keep the expectations realistic. If we set our goals to an unrealistic height then we can create unrealistic pressures for ourselves and this then creates negative thoughts that are not entirely warranted. Start small, one step at a time. Small changes accumulate into big changes.  And lastly, guilt and shame. These are tough ones. Guilt is tough and shame is tougher. So the first big thing I recommend to get through these is to acknowledge whatever is causing you these feelings, verbally if possible. If you are feeling guilty about something you have done the first step to relieving that feeling is "admission of wrong-doing". We can feel shame for other reasons and we may feel shame about something that happened to us, versus something we have done but I would still say first step is to vocalize what you are feeling ashamed about and talking to someone you trust to listen to you. If you are uncomfortable with that, second best option would be to externalize those feelings in other ways such as writing them down. Oftentimes this leads to the second step of "receiving grace and acceptance". So for example, I might feel ashamed about something as a first time mom and then I talk to one of my friends who is also a mom and realize what I am going through is very normal and common. Shame can be lifted through vulnerability which requires some level of risk but the reward is greater. Again being vulnerable and real is going to get you further than trying to fight the shame away. Address the person. Address the situation. Address the insecurities. Whatever it is. And then the third step to relieve these things is "repentance". Essentially this means taking action to do better or focusing energy on doing better as a way to make up for past wrongs. This has a healing power to it that can be very transformative in mind, heart and behavior.  I hope this helps and good luck. 

Thank you very much for asking your question regarding your emotions, it's a very interesting, meaningful and important topic for all human beings, as we are speaking about one basic pillar of our lives.  Basic emotions (Fear, Anger, Sadness, Disgust, Joy and Surprise) are common for many animals, including us, because they are natural (they are not learnt) and they are adaptive, which means they are there to help keep us alive and adapt to the changes of the environment we are living in. What does it all mean? That it's important to listen to them and take them into account.  In order to do this, I would recommend always assessing the experience of your emotions in a rational way. As you describe after your question, there are many good things going on now that you can focus on, but there are also many other things you are lacking and it's normal that it brings you certain emotions. In this sense, I honestly encourage you to explore new ways to enjoy yourself a bit more and, perhaps, socialise and make plans if possible, so you can address that loneliness. Besides, you could add to your daily routine some exercises of self-improvement (assertiveness, self-appreciation, sports, hobbies, meditation, etc.) that are very helpful in terms of improving your self-esteem and your self-confidence.  Working on all this together will allow you to feel better and happier, so you won't have as many unpleasant emotions towards your partner and your current situation. Actually, you will feel more grateful and enjoy more your time at home and with your partner.  I honestly think you can achieve this, you only need to assess your situation rationally and in a realistic way, so you can plan your long-term goals. Then, you can set some short-term goals (weekly and daily), so you approach your objectives little by little. Once you have your plan, try to stick to it and believe in yourself. Finally, remember always to be nice and kind to yourself during the whole process and try to keep it forever, being your own best friend is one of the most important things to be able to achieve anything.  I hope it all goes fantastically for you. Wish you all the best. 

Hi Eli,  Thanks for asking this question! Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you feel better about flying and get help with your claustrophobia. As with all therapy, it will take some hard work on your end but it will be worth it in the long run.  As humans, so many of our thoughts and behaviors are based on feelings and our feelings based on thoughts and behaviors. It is likely that your fear of small spaces and of flying is based on thoughts that you are having. CBT will help you to reframe those thoughts into more helpful ones. When you are flying, if you are thinking things like "wow! it's so beautiful to look out the window" or "I am so excited to get where I am going!", you are going to have much more positive feelings than if you are thinking about the small space and other flying related fears. I know, easier said than done! The part to remember is that it can be done.  Most fears can be lessened if we think about them differently. Another helpful thing that CBT can help you with is to look at the facts. For example; how many planes are flying each day? How many of these end up in life threatening situations? Focus on those facts. Of course there is always a chance for negative things to happen in any aspect of life but many of those things are out of our control. We have to focus on those things that we can control. That does seem to be what you are doing by asking this question! You are trying to find a way to take control of your thoughts, which will in turn take control of your feelings and your behaviors. From my perspective, that is what CBT gives us; control of ourselves. It is wonderful to have control of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This can give you better control of your life and can lead to things being in your favor more frequently. A branch of cognitive behavioral therapy, DBT, tells us that the less we allow our emotional minds to take over and gain the ability to rely on logic and emotions together, the more informed and appropriate decisions we will make.  I wish you the best with this!  -Melissa

Hello there Ant,  Thank you so much for reaching out and taking the time to seek some clarification of your concerns and therefore to gain some additional support.  I am pleased to be able to try to shed some light on your questions and offer some education and information in response. It sounds as though you have some difficult history and experiences with your family of origin and are struggling with some of the duality of both recognizing that this history has not been the healthiest for you, but also the recognition that they are, in fact, your family of origin and cutting ties physically and/or emotionally is not as simple as it may seem from the outside looking inward.  This can be a very common experience within various family structures and dynamics and one that comes with many challenges and layers.  Without knowing the specifics of your history with your family and the hurts that have been inflicted upon you, it is difficult to provide any specific guidance or advice of course for your unique situation, however some general concepts and healthy living approaches may be valuable here.  Please feel free to take whatever fits and feels relevant to you and leave the remainder as it feels appropriate.  We don't get to choose our biological family from which we originate.  Sometimes our parents are not able, ready, or willing to provide the love, care, and support we need as children.  Sometimes there are dynamics within the family structure that impede us getting our basic needs met.   If there is any presence of mental illness, substance abuse, or unhealed trauma by our parents when they are caring for us, there may be a disconnect in their abilities to provide adequate love, support, nurturing, and safety.  This does not mean that as children, we don't deserve or require that, but simply that our parents are ill equipped to provide what we need and require to grow into more self sufficient and emotionally healthy individuals.   Attachment theory speaks to the ability of our caregivers to provide safety, affection, and responsiveness to our needs as infants and young children.  If this attachment or nurturing responsiveness is disrupted (due to depression, social stressors, addiction, or other psychosocial concerns) this can directly impair our abilities as adults to form and maintain healthy relationships with others.  This can lead to things like disrupted relationship patterns, depression, anxiety, insecurity, or inability to form intimate connections with others.  Additionally, if these skills are not modeled for us, it can become even more difficult to step into these healthy functioning relationship roles as we try to navigate what it means to be in a healthy partnership. It sounds as though you have a history of trauma as you noted PTSD in your initial question.  The effects of trauma can have a profound impact on our overall functioning as an adult.  Additionally it sounds (unsurprisingly) like you are experiencing some simultaneous depression and anxiety as well.  This could connect to a genetic component if your parents also struggle with these concerns, but also could potentially be a result more directly of the environment in which you describe being raised in.  The answer likely lies somewhere in the middle. Fortunately trauma, depression, and anxiety can all be addressed with mental health support (therapy) and you can gain skills, knowledge, and experience working with how to best manage your symptoms and create a life you enjoy living that aligns with your values, interests, and needs.   It would be recommended that you consider connecting with a licensed mental health professional who can better assist you with learning more about the impact of your history on your current functioning, how and whether or not you want to proceed with a relationship with your family of origin and how to better heal from the hurts of your past so that they are not impeding your life you are trying to live now and in the future.   I hope this helps somewhat to get you started on your journey.  I wish you well and hope that you are able to continue to walk the path towards healing and wellness and to begin to live your life to its fullest potential going forward!! Until then...stay well and stay focused on keeping your face towards the light! -Jen

Did You A Favor.  What's unfortunate about long-distance relationships is that good people can appear to be disconnected. I am unsure how to read this man's actions, whether they are as shady and disconnected as they seem. On one hand, he was seeing someone else, while with you. Do you think this was a new way of seeing people, something that you have to accept? I know with online dating, there is this norm where people talk to many people to try and understand which ones they want to actually date.  There are many pieces to this that could contribute to your thoughts to either end it and move on, or stay. The thing that pushes it over the edge for me was that he broke it off. I know you said you still want to see him and talk face-to-face, but why? What are you realistically expecting to do face-to-face? What can you offer, and what you are willing to offer? Is it good for you? What I am saying here is don't be willing to go further than he is in this relationship because it will drain you.  I understand finding someone we connect with isn't as easy as it sounds, but settling on someone who is far away and who dated someone else while you were considered together, are those the characteristics of a man you want to be with? Does being with him prevent you from meeting anyone else? If so, that is the problem here. This is why people still talk to someone else while they online talk to another, to make sure they aren't missing any candidates. I am not condoning this, but rather acknowledging how some people internalize and act out something now normal when we might see it as a personal thing against us. From that, is that someone you want to be with?  You did have some opportunities to talk face to face, and either you didn't (such as in November), or you waited until the last minute. Either way, these issues you speak of, why were they not the first things talked about? Was he allowed to control the narrative and therefore didn't want to address it? Did he have to leave conveniently and then break up (too correlated for my taste)? I think he is showing you his true self, but I think you think this is all you deserve. Do you realize that you could also make calls in this and have him respond to you? He could ask you, "are we good?" But he isn't, and you are just left to chase and try to make it all better.  Again, I don't have all the details, but from what I am noticing, you are giving too much of yourself away, and it will end up causing him not to respect you and you not respecting yourself. There are worse things than being single and being with someone you give up everything for; that is worse because it's you giving up on yourself, giving him too much say over your life. Those relationships and that power dynamic do not work, happily long term. 

Dear Saul I hope my message finds you well. It sounds very much like you are an overthinker. How do these processes lead you closer to what you want? How can you stop this, I wonder what it would be like to start liking yourself for who you are. Accepting that you are interesting if we focus on the external for our peace it will always and only be temporary. It sounds like you need to learn to accept yourself unconditionally this way your world will remain in a constant flow. This is because you are not reliant on others to accept you. You have learned to grow into the version of yourself you want the world to see and not need for others to see. Many events in our earlier life can contribute to us wanting to seek validation from others. You, ask what you need to do. What do you feel you need to do? I wonder if engaging in therapy would support you in unpicking what and where your want external validation comes from. How you can connect with the younger version of yourself and offer the validation and acceptance which you did not feel was present in the way you needed them to be? I can only imagine how tiring it is for you to be on this constant path of planning each and every interaction and when that has taken place beating yourself up for the things you could have said but did not. Learning some deep breathing techniques may support in calming your thoughts, also maybe engaging in therapy could possibly help you unpick what is going on for you in a safe and non-judgmental space. You have the answers you seek from an external point of view however it may currently not be easy for you to connect with this part of yourself on your own. I hope you find something within these lines which will support you to take the next step to a deeper understanding of yourself. I am here if you would like to explore deeper. Take the very best care Kind regards Marlene