Anger Management

Hi Mike, 

Thank you for reaching out and asking this question. Anger is a really big emotion for a lot of people and there can be multiple underlying issues when we talk about anger outbursts. It can be important to understand the root of anger as well as ways to manage anger when you feel it. 

If you google "anger iceberg" you will find a really amazing graphic that illustrates how anger is often a surface emotion and there are emotions under the surface that are important to recognize and address as well as your anger. This is one of the first things I discuss with my clients who are looking for anger management. Ask yourself, what's under the surface? What else am I reacting to? Using that graphic as a guide, you may be able to identify some deeper issues that are going on. 

When it comes to anger management, usually I suggest avoiding triggers as much as possible until you have worked on ways to manage anger. This isn't always possible, but if you can identify certain triggers that you can avoid, go ahead and do that. Maybe you can't avoid your partner, but if there are certain topics of conversation that are particularly triggering, try and avoid those. You can ask your partner when you are both calm to not bring up certain topics by saying something like: "Hey, I notice that I get really angry when we talk about household chores. Can we lay off talking about it for the next month or two while I'm getting help?" You can also catch yourself in the moment. This is a harder thing to do but can be really helpful. First, notice your warning signs. Do you feel your heart rate increase? Feel sweaty or hot when you feel angry? When you notice your warning signs, take a time out. Say something like, "I can't have this conversation right now. I'm feeling pretty triggered. I need some space." This doesn't mean you won't ever come back to the issue or conversation, it just means that for the time being it would be better not to have the conversation. 

Another thing you can do on your own while you are waiting to get in with a counselor is to google "relaxation techniques." There are a lot of worksheets available. You can also search youtube, which has an abundance of instructional videos and guided meditations. Choose ones that work for you, knowing that not everything is going to work for everyone. And finally, doing some cardio, dance, biking, swimming or other activity to get your heart rate up can be really helpful in your long-term plan of managing anger. 

I hope you find this answer helpful.