I'm always getting angry and feeling low - no motivation to do anything. How do I overcome this?

I'm divorced after a marriage of a couple of years. I'm always feeling angry now. My childhood wasn’t easy, my parents didn’t show emotion. I'm always angry with them.
Asked by Millie
Answered
06/07/2022

Hi Millie, Great Question! 

Anger is a natural emotional response. Anger is one of the main emotional states along with fear, excitement, joy, surprise, and sadness. Feeling anger is often associated with thoughts that suggest anger is a negative emotion. Although anger can become unhealthy if one remains in this state for long periods, anger in general is a natural and healthy emotion that every human either has or will experience. Anger can serve us in positive and healthy ways. Anger can help us to set boundaries for ourselves and can also 'snap' us back from any denial we may be experiencing. If anger is expressed in healthy ways it can serve us in healthy ways. However, if one stays in an anger state for extended periods this state can cause feelings of sadness, loneliness, and issues with motivation among other feelings. Therefore if you are struggling with remaining in an angry state; it is understandable that you would feel a lack of motivation. The good news is you do not have to stay in this state of being angry and unmotivated. 

I often utilize the analogy with my clients that anger resembles a tree. I start by explaining that emotional states are long term states and feelings are fleeting states, meaning they come and go relatively quickly compared to emotional states. We also discuss how trees grow, are fed, and survive. The roots are a very important system within the trees making and survival. In regards to anger, the leaves and fruit of the tree are what results from our anger, our behaviors/reactions to being angry. The trunk is anger itself. The roots are the feelings under the anger emotional state. Feelings are the underlining causation such as disappointment, frustration, sadness, disrespect, and this list could continue due to there being well over 2,000 words to describe feelings in the English language. 

My suggestion to my clients is to get into the dirt and dig up those roots. What roots or feelings are you dealing with that is feeding your anger tree? When these feelings are identified and dealt with the anger usually dissipates. Trees can not survive without their root system and so anger can not survive without negative feelings feeding it. Those feelings often need to be dealt with and discussed within yourself or with another.

Dealing with these feelings takes time and work. Therapy is work. I can absolutely guarantee it will be difficult and hard at times. However, when you get to the other side of the pain, you often not only see what you are made of, but also how you can let go and have and maintain some since of joy. 

I hope this helps and I hope to work with you soon Millie!

Jessica Singer, BS, MA, LPC-S