Do you have any suggestions?

Thank you for reaching out for support and for submitting your question. I am sorry that you are having some difficulties right now.

There are many people who find themselves in a similar situation. Some people have a harder time opening up as compared to others. It is a common experience. You are absolutely not alone. 

Being more vulnerable and open is possible. But it definitely can sometimes be easier said that done. If it is something you wish to work on, then improvement can happen. It may take a little time and effort. And it can sometimes feel scary to even just think about it. After all, it is natural to wonder if, by becoming more vulnerable, we might risk being judged. Also, if you are not accustomed to doing it, it can create a bit of emotional stress, as any new thing will do. 

Building walls and hiding behind them tends to be fairly easy. Stopping to tear them down, and welcoming in what is on the other side, can feel frightening. It can feel safe behind your nice wall. You know it and what we know is comfortable. But opening up could actually benefit you in ways you might not have imagined – if it’s what you truly want to do. You might find you begin to experience more intimacy with others and that can strengthen your relationships. If you do not want to do any of this, if it's an unwelcome change you do not want to genuinely, and you are being forced or coerced into it, that’s a different problem to consider. And a change that is forced upon us will likely just cause other issues and concerns. However, it seems like you do want to learn to open up more – it just causes anxiety for you when you think about it. Again, this is entirely normal.

An important element in all of this is going to involve understanding why opening up to others is more challenging for you. There can be many reasons why this is happening and depending on your unique “why” the options for moving forward could look a little different. In all cases, though, change is always possible. Especially if you are motivated to make changes and are actively engaged in the process.

For some people, there are painful events and experiences they have been through, and it is simply too hard to speak about those things. In other cases, it could be a case of you having had no role models to demonstrate how to express emotions well or even caregivers who made you feel that expressing yourself was not okay. Some of us are just naturally quieter and more introverted. It is just our nature to say less. It does not make you wrong. You just are not accustomed to expressing yourself. If we tend to have a lot of anxiety, that can result in it being harder to open up. A past relationship can play a strong role. If someone in the past judged you or made you feel badly when you expressed yourself, then this could translate into causing you to be quite naturally far more hesitant to open up to anyone again in future. It could be that you don’t feel confident in yourself and struggle with your self-esteem. Many people do not like who they are. And so because of this, they mentally presume others will agree – so it feels unsafe to open up and let anyone know the “real” you. 

There are some good reasons why you might want to try to open up more. For one, it can expand our relationships. We can know ourselves and others on a more intimate, deeper level when we begin to open ourselves up. When we become more vulnerable, more honest, there is certainly some risk involved. But the rewards will usually far outweigh the risks. While some isolation allows us to rest and recharge, too much usually can lead to lowered mood. We are, by and large, built for and need connection.

If you are struggling with opening up, then speaking with a therapist might be something worthwhile to consider. A therapist will be able to help you identify and understand better what your particular barriers might be. Is a past trauma making you hesitant to open up? Or do you fear being vulnerable because your confidence is low? Maybe you just don’t know how to express your thoughts and emotions well because you grew up in a home where nobody ever really talked about stuff or even told you it wasn’t okay to do that? The reasons why can help inform the approach you take. Do you just need to learn how to communicate better? Or are there some deep wounds which need healing?

In the therapy room you will find a place where it will be safe to begin practicing being vulnerable. Out in the world it can be tough. It’s risky and we might be judged negatively. A therapist is there to sit with you as you begin to open up in a way that may be unfamiliar. The therapist is there to support and guide you and will provide unconditional positive regard (they are always on your side and always on your team). In therapy you can practice expressing your emotions, fears, thought, concerns, and feelings. It is a place to get to know yourself more. And a place to safely open up. You will begin to pick up skills and strategies which you can then take home with you. The therapist can help you manage the anxiety, as well as help you begin to get better with opening up if that is your desired goal.