How can I get out of thinking every situation I go through is a test?

Dear Billy,

I am glad that you are reaching out for some guidance and direction of what to do with your deep emotional distress that keeps arising connected to these thoughts that keep spiraling in your mind and body.  I will be giving you some guidance as to what may be happening for you and give you some guidance to help you move through these thoughts.  

First of all, this thought process that you describes is a way that your brain is sticky.  It is getting stuck in a loop that holds you to a certain thought process.  This can be deeply frustrating because you are getting stuck thinking about the same thought process over and over.  That is painful and gets in the way of enjoying life.  

I wonder what you have tried to help you to get through this thought process.  I know that in this format of seeking to help you - there are some limitations.  I can't come alongside you in the ways that you already tried things and how that worked for you.  So I like to ask this question to see what folks have done to help themselves. And because you are asking for some guidance, I am going to guess that you tried some things but it didn't shift what was going on for you.  That makes it even more frustrating.

It feels like your struggle with this thought process is the perceived fear of the consequences of your actions.  So right now, the action may seem benign or small but the fear is that something later on will show you that you shouldn't have done the things you did.  I wonder if you have had people or things in your life that have talked to you in that same manner ... For example, "You better save your money otherwise you will be left without it."  "You better make sure you are polite to others otherwise they are going to be rude to you later."  Etc.  Have you had people in your life that have been reflecting those kinds of statements to you - statements that point to the fear of what COULD happen in the future that MIGHT be related to what you do or don't do now?  

I also wonder if there was a time in your life that you can look back and say very powerfully - if I would have _____ (fill in the blank) then __________ (This terrible thing) would not have happened?  If you have felt that way about something in your past, this can kick start folks into starting to second guess everything they do in order to try to avoid the future possibility of pain.  I wonder if you can relate to either of these questions or possible reasons for why you are turning to this action.

I know that if you have tried what you know to try to change your mind spin and you are asking for help, to me, this says that it is time to get some professional guidance outside of yourself to help you to have some freedom.  I would encourage you to dig into getting some emotional support through a therapist who is well versed in dealing with these kinds of mind spins and have a way that they can come alongside you well.  Just like when people have a disease and they seek out doctors who are well versed in their particular issue, you can seek out a therapist who is able to come along side you well.  So seek out a therapist and then seek to ask questions about their expertise.  

I also want to give you some guidance as to how to navigate these thoughts today.  

First of all, it can be helpful to tell yourself that there is no right answer with most things in life.  There is always a grey area and it is OK to just make a decision.  So when there is a decision before you seek to tell yourself that there is no right answer and that you will make it through this decision right now and no matter what happens in the future.  I would encourage you to come up with a way of responding to decisions that puts these thoughts into some sort of mantra - put it on your phone.  Make it clear in your life so that you can come back to the truth that there is no right or wrong answer.  You will make it through whatever happens now or in the future.  You have in the past and you will now and you will in the future. 

Another thing that has helped some of my clients who have similar thought patterns is the reality of seeking to embrace and see that failure is not bad.  When we have been hurt by what we think was failure in the past, sometimes we will then seek to not fail in the future and then get into loops such as what you've experienced.  So it is important to see and feel and know and embrace that failure is normal, it's important, it is part of being human and it will result in us having more strength and ability to manage life.  If that thought is a hard one to sit with, this tells me that you need to focus on building that reality in your life and mind.  That would be something to bring to your therapist. 

Another practice that can help you is to face your struggle with forward movement.  You are going to decide to go with a decision, pick that decision and allow that second guessing, spinning to go on in your mind but not change your action.  You are seeking to just feel the struggle of allowing your brain to struggle but still following through with the decision. You are going to then seek to calm your body - do deep breathing and movement that helps you to calm your body.  Body calming will be helpful to do when you are struggling emotionally.  

I would encourage you to keep moving towards getting the support you need to help you to calm your mind and body.  

Best of luck,

Paula