How can I get rid of my anxiety and self doubt?

Hi there Flowergirl,

Thanks for your question, I understand from what you're saying that you are dealing with at least some level of anxiety that is pervading different aspects of your life. It sounds as if, from a rational, logical point of view, you are aware that you are capable of doing your job, and that it's OK and very understandable, given the current economic climate, to be living at home and many others are in the same position and that this is a personal choice and not anyone else's business.

On the other hand, you seem to be really beating yourself up and quite self-critical. You feel like you are not competent to meet clients or communicate with existing ones and you are procrastinating, which I can imagine would cause professional difficulties sooner or later. I wonder if you are dealing with Imposter Syndrome? This is where a person feels as if they are "not good enough" to have the role they have, even if rationally they know that they are qualified and competent - it's a sense based on how you are feeling inside about yourself and who you are as a person.

It also sounds as if you are dealing with some social anxiety based on you not wanting to talk to people and overthinking what you're going to say, which could actually increase your inhibitions as it creates stress where there doesn't need to be. Perhaps this is due to your low self-worth - you say that you feel like you are "pathetic", and feel like you have wasted your life and gotten into a rut. These are very painful feelings to have and it can be hard to remember that these kinds of thoughts aren't necessarily true, because they can feel very real and very compelling, which then creates a vicious cycle. Because we feel as if we are not good enough, we are inhibited and anxious, preventing us from taking risks that might lead to a better situation, which compounds the initial feelings of low self-worth. It's important to break this cycle by recognising that we don't have to believe all the thoughts in our head, but rather can look at them from a position of curiosity and non-judgement, choosing which thoughts are helpful to believe and which ones aren't. This is a process called cognitive defusion.

Oftentimes, people who "people please" do so because they don't believe that they deserve to be seen and accepted as who they are, so they must constantly break their own boundaries or go "above and beyond" to be seen as worthy and OK people. This is incredibly draining and can actually make you feel more worthless, leading to even more people-pleasing in an effort to be liked and accepted. To break this cycle, we need to understand and accept that it is not our responsibility to please everyone all the time and that this is actually impossible to do. It is OK to not do what other people want, or not be the person that other people want you to be.

As regards your relationship, it could be helpful to see things from the other person's point of view. Would you want your partner to be in a relationship in which they are unhappy, where they are only staying with you because they don't want to hurt you or end up with you hating him? Most people would rather their partner was honest with them about how they are feeling, even if it leads to a break up. You are giving yourself a huge amount of responsibility over your partner's emotions and other people's perceptions about you, which is something you can't control or even fully understand - so you are attempting to control something that is uncontrollable, leading to a huge amount of stress and anxiety. Give yourself permission to let go of this need to control. It is OK for other people to be hurt, or even angry with you. They will survive and so will you. The world won't end.

Thank you for this question and I hope this answer is helpful to you. I wish you all peace and happiness for the future.

Eleanor