How can I stop being so socially awkward and how can I make friends.

Thank you for reaching out with your question. I am sorry that you are experiencing some difficulties in your life right now.

Making new friends is absolutely hard! Science has actually proclaimed that we are in the midst of an epidemic of loneliness and isolation. And this was before the pandemic swooped in and exacerbated that trend even further. So, you are very much not alone in feeling alone. Yet, it’s worth making some friends. Because friendships can uplift our mood and help combat stress.

Honestly, it’s much easier to make friends when we are younger and in school. As we age, it does really become more challenging. In order to make friends organically, it takes a combination of repeated and unplanned interactions, in addition to some mutual vulnerability. In school, we get kind of forced into this on a regular daily basis. But then after we graduate, it’s not so easy.

 However! That does not mean it’s impossible.

The key is to not just rely on chance. We have to become more deliberate about it. That might look like joining a book club, attending a bible study, or participating in some sort of class (perhaps athletic and/or academic and/or creative). And we have to be patient as well as persistent.

It is important to note that we all feel a bit nervous and awkward around new people. Yes, it will require a bit of courage. And while you might feel reluctant to engage in a conversation, the reality is that we all think we are far more likely to be rejected than we ever will be. Of course, not everyone we try to be friends with will reciprocate. But we’re just playing a guessing game we can never win if we try to determine why. It could literally be anything! It could have absolutely nothing to do with you and it’s just that they’re super busy. So never try guessing because you won’t know and you’ll likely come up with a reason that discourages you.

Your situation has the added element of social anxiety. There are strategies you can practice to help you overcome this and to ease the difficulty it is causing you.

Notably, you can begin working on challenging your anxious and negative thoughts. We think thousands of thoughts every single day. And most of them simply aren’t true. The first thing to do is to note what the thoughts actually are. I often recommend clients keep a “thought record.” When you start feeling nervous, for example, stop and consider what the situation is, what you’re feeling emotionally as well as physically, and consider what thoughts come into your mind. From there, we can begin to question those thoughts. What caused it? Is it true? What evidence do I have for and against it? Could something else be true?

Our minds are amazingly powerful. But we can begin to believe a lot of false things that filter through. The good news is that we can catch and change those thoughts. Over time, we can rewire our brain and become more adept at noticing all of those negative thoughts which are simply not true. We can identify them quicker – and discard them.

Also, get out more. You don’t have to go with the expectation of talking to anyone. But push your boundaries a bit. Like to read? Take your book and go sit at a nearby coffee shop. Match an activity you enjoy with a place that perhaps makes you a bit anxious. You will have the comfort of a familiar, liked activity and you’ll start practicing getting out of your comfort zone a bit more.

Another thing – stop focusing so much on you. When we have anxiety, we tend to turn inward. We get overly focused on ourselves and begin worrying about what others are going to think about us. And we usually believe they will think something negative. But guess what? You are just guessing at what they may be thinking! And here comes an opportunity to work on the skill of “so what!” Maybe they don’t feel they connect with you. So what! That says nothing about you. Over the course of your life there will likely be many people you just don’t feel a strong connection with. You will likely acknowledge they are nice people, but you just don’t have a lot in common with them perhaps. That happens. It says nothing bad about you or about them.

Switch the focus from yourself to other people. Try your best to be present in the moment. Pay more attention to what they are doing and what they are saying. Asking questions is a great way to interact when we have some anxiety. People typically like talking about themselves, so leverage this. Ask them lots of questions. It puts the focus on them and takes the pressure off you. And they’ll likely feel a boost from being the center of attention, which can itself make them feel more positive about talking to you.

It is important, too, to remember to be compassionate and kind towards yourself. Social anxiety can be overcome but it will take some time and some effort. It will take practice to improve your skills. The more you practice, however, the easier it will become. So to some degree it involves just showing up over and over again, doing your best to face your fears.

Working with a therapist is a great way to improve social anxiety. It really is possible for things to get better and it is truly worth the effort and energy. It can initially seem like such an impossible obstacle. But with some support and with some effective strategies, so much positive change can happen for you.