how can I stop overthinking/ having intrusive thoughts?

Overthinking can be such a painful and frustrating aspect of anxiety. Ruminating or intrusive thoughts are like bubbles in a boiling pot, they happen to everyone, we cannot fight them sometimes. But here is the difference; when other people have an intrusive worry thought, they do not stop and give it power. Let me give you my favorite example.

How many people have been driving down the road and have seen someone standing on the sidewalk and have thought to themselves, “I wonder what would happen if I swerved, drove through that puddle, and splashed that person from head to toe. They would never know who I am or that it was me!” Now – how many of us actually do that? Next to none of us obviously. The person without anxiety chuckles to themselves and moves on with their day and literally does not give that silly thought, a second thought or any power. The difference between someone with an anxious, ruminating style of thinking or not, is that the person with anxiety thinks things like, “Oh my good God! I am a terrible person! Who thinks things like that? What is wrong with me? What if I had actually done it? What if I had ruined their day? If I am capable of doing that, what else am I capable of???” That thought becomes like a snowball rolling down the hill and only gets bigger, and scarier and more intense as we “pile on” and make a minor, silly thought turn into something major. It quickly turns into an avalanche of guilt, shame, negativity and more worry. 

With anxiety, we are often so quick to think in terms of polar opposites - black and white, right and wrong, love and hate. When in reality, the world is full of gray. We are so quick to go to the worst-case scenario in our head, and never the best-case scenario! I would challenge you to do a couple quick exercises when those ruminating, intrusive and obsessive anxious thoughts pop in your head. One is ask yourself – What is the best-case scenario, what is the worst-case scenario, and what is the most-likely scenario. In your example of my partner must hate me, ask yourself – what evidence do I have to support that thought/feeling? The other question I would ask yourself is if you’ve had an awkward interaction with someone, will you care about that interaction in a week, a month or a year? Anxiety is so good at taking a snowball and making it an avalanche! But, there are simple techniques like this that we can do that make all the difference in the world! Anxiety is full of really big and powerful feelings and thoughts. It is important to recognize those thoughts and feelings for what they are, but also emotionally step back and try to see it from a wise part of your brain that can call it out and help re-frame it in a more loving, realistic way. 

Finally, I want you to think about your anxious thoughts like flowers in your garden. When you tend to your flowers, give them lots of love and attention, and water them, prune them and feed their needs – they grow and thrive and become huge blooms. Well the same can be said for your anxious thoughts! When we “water and tend to our thoughts,” they are just like those flowers. There’s science to this, when we send blood, oxygen, hormones, and neurotransmitters to those anxious thoughts, our body and our brain thinks, “hmmm this is really important stuff, we should send even MORE resources to this!” In essence, the more we worry, the more efficient and better worrier we become. We are literally carving more efficient pathways, so that we can become even better worriers, with each subsequent worry! Picture a river carving a pathway out of a mountain side! 

So when those thoughts pop in your head, I want you to remind yourself, I don’t want to water my worries. Distract yourself with music, good friends, conversations, podcasts, going for a walk or exercising. Distraction is truly a powerful tool! I have even said to some people, set a timer each day. Give yourself 15 minutes, you can let your worries run free and wild, journal them out or say them out loud. Do not edit them, let them roll off of your tongue. But when that timer goes off,  put your worries away until tomorrow. Shut the box, lock the key and move on with your day. We only want to give water and love to those things that are helpful, productive and make us feel the way we deserve to feel. My final thought, is that sometimes people confuse worry with love. If I worry, it must mean I care. Worry is not love, and that extends to how we treat ourselves as well! I hope that was helpful and know that while your default setting may be to over-worry and obsess over those thoughts, it does not have to be like this forever! Counseling and techniques such as these can be wildly effective at treating this particular struggle.