How do I ask for help without knowing exactly what I need help with?

I am sorry you’re struggling with all of this right now. It sounds like it’s been quite overwhelming. Please know that you’re not alone in experiencing these feelings. All of this is common and there are many strategies for moving forward toward a positive outcome. I want you to know there is hope. And I want you to know that reaching out for help is an important, courageous first step. Often, we can let hesitation and fear hold us back. So, you’re already on a good path by demonstrating strength in reaching out.

Also, you’ve developed some helpful insight into what is happening. You state you don’t know what you need help with, yet I do believe you’re doing a good job with naming some of what’s going on – and this is a really great foundational step. You’ve articulated quite a good amount about what you’re experiencing. It seems you’ve been able to come to an understanding of some concerns, but you aren’t quite sure why this is happening or, perhaps more importantly, what to do about it all. Which is very normal and expected. Many of us find ourselves in distress at varying points in life – it can take a little more work sometimes to figure out how we got there and how to get out of it.

As a therapist, I see a lot of clients who don’t know exactly what the problem is. They just know something isn’t right. They don’t feel okay. Life isn’t going the way they think it should be. Whenever someone sits in front of me, I have zero expectations of them having already figure out what the precise problem is. Because that’s part of what we are there to work on. I begin asking lots of questions so we can begin the exploration process. If you came to me and said “I don’t know what’s wrong” then you wouldn’t be the first – and won’t be the last.

Consider if you felt physically unwell. Maybe you’re having some aches or pains, or some other symptoms. You don’t know what’s wrong. But you do know something isn’t right. You make an appointment with your physician. The doctor will ask you some questions, perhaps run some tests – all in the name of figuring out what’s going on. Therapy works much the same way. You don’t need to be specific about what the concern is. The therapist is there to first help you gain that knowledge. Then, from there, they will work in partnership with you to come up with some solutions and strategies.

So, how do you ask for help if you don’t know what’s wrong? Decide first who to go to. Is there a trusted friend or relative you feel comfortable talking with. If not, maybe a therapist is a good option. Then you need do nothing more than simply saying what you’re already saying: “I need some help, but I’m not really sure what’s happening.” More than likely, whomever you decide to talk to will respond by asking you some questions. 

You mention that anxiety is one concern you’re dealing with. When we are overcome by anxiety, we tend to have a complicated relationship with our mind. We can feel like we are bombarded with an endless stream of troubling thoughts. Your mind tells you that you must worry, analyze, and ruminate about all sorts of things. And it just never seems to stop. Your mind can become quite the relentless bully.

It’s possible to come to a place where you are able to manage all this. Where you can recognize that thoughts are just thoughts. And many of them are simply not true. We can’t believe everything we think! Part of this involves what can be thought of as putting your thoughts on trial – sort of like you’re bringing every thought into the courtroom to be thoroughly examined.

Let’s say you see a friend walk by across the street. They don’t wave at you, they just keep walking. Now, we can actually make all sorts of guesses as to why. Your anxious mind might try to convince you that they simply don’t like you anymore and aren’t really your friend. Is that possible? Maybe. But how do you know that’s really true? What solid evidence can you offer for it? In reality, couldn’t something else be possibly true? Perhaps they are really deep in thought because they are having a very bad day, and they genuinely didn’t even notice that you were there. You might think they saw you, but if their mind is elsewhere due to some recent troubles, they maybe didn’t.

This is one type of skill a therapist can work with you on developing – how to notice, examine, and question your thoughts. Because again, not every thought you have is true.

It also sounds like you’re experiencing something which many people go through - feelings of unworthiness. You’re struggling with a sense of hopelessness and you’re encountering some self-blame. Sometimes, this can be the result of depression. It might also be related to lowered self-esteem and/or some past experiences in your life may have contributed to this.

Learning to be gentler with yourself and working on increasing self-compassion can be one helpful tool in this case. As can practicing gratitude – savoring what you have and who you truly are. That might seem hard right now, but you can begin with finding something very small to be grateful for. Begin paying more attention to what is good – or even what is just okay. Maybe it’s just something like “I have a bed to sleep in and I’m grateful for that” or “I have nice eyes.”

I know it feels very overwhelming right now. Life does not have to continue to be this way. I encourage you to seek support so that these feelings don’t continue to keep you stuck. Things really can be different and better!