How do I control my relationship anxiety?
Hi there, thank you so much for sharing your concerns with the intrusive thoughts and the feelings that accompany them. It can be so tough to open up about those types of thoughts because they can be extremely personal and very scary. I am so glad to hear that your boyfriend is very supportive of you. It is absolutely okay to admit that you are struggling even with that support. In acknowledging those unhelpful and recognizing them for what they are (negative intrusive thoughts), you have actually started the process of challenging them already.
That is the main goal when we have these types of thoughts...challenging them and redirecting to a more positive mindset. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) there is a process called thought stopping or thought redirection. This can be a helpful tactic when trying to manage intrusive thoughts. We can work through this technique step by step to give you a roadmap of sorts to try and use when you are struggling.
- This process starts by identifying the types of intrusive thoughts that you are experiencing most frequently. From what you have already mentioned here, it sounds like the negative thoughts are generally surrounding your relationship, but there a couple of different ones that you mentioned (like thoughts about the upcoming move, questioning the relationship working out in the long term, having negative thoughts about the love that you share, etc.). Knowing what types of thoughts you are struggling with gives you more information to work with as you work on managing them.
- Once we have identified those negative thoughts, we want to take a look at what could be triggering the intrusive thoughts (like how you mentioned that the upcoming move and built up stress could be adding to the negative thoughts you are experiencing). Other examples of triggers could be things such as our physical health (like feeling sick or ill), other emotional concerns (like feeling strained in other relationships or friendships), fatigue, stress, and other factors (work stress, school stress, etc.). Although we cannot avoid all triggers, if we identify them, we can do our best to try and be more prepared when we do encounter the triggers that we are aware of (that way we can track patterns of what triggers lead to what types of intrusive thoughts and we can target them more specifically in the next step of managing these thoughts effectively).
- After we reflect on our thoughts and triggers, the next part is working on using targeted coping skills to get us to a point where we can use the upcoming thought redirection techniques. Unhelpful thoughts can create physical and emotional responses that only make it that much harder to challenge the thoughts. For example, after experiencing a negative intrusive thought we might find ourselves shaking, having sweaty palms, or having stomach butterflies (these are all physical reactions). We could also experience more emotional reactions such as increased anxiety, anger, irritation, frustration, etc. Coping skills can help calm us down to a point where we can actually use the logical side of our thought process to work through our unhelpful thoughts. Coping skills can look different depending on our personal hobbies and the things we like to do. They could include things such as deep breathing, reading, listening to music, talking with others, watching television shows, taking time to yourself, exercise, etc. Finding the most helpful coping skills for you is a great way to help you get back to a calm mind state to then be more able to challenge and redirect your negative thoughts.
- With challenging and redirecting your thoughts, you want to take a look at the evidence that goes against your negative thought and proves it as invalid...this part of the process is about being more logical. For example, you mentioned the supportive nature of your boyfriend, knowing during your more calm moments that you and your boyfriend care deeply for each other, having solid communication skills in the relationship, and knowing that the upcoming move is creating more stress that is unrelated to the relationship. Those aspects are logical points that disprove or invalidate the negative intrusive thoughts about the relationship itself.
- After noting the evidence against your negative thought, it can be helpful to redirect your mind to a positive memory or something that reminds you that your negative thoughts are not true and that those negative thoughts will change. This can be a positive memory of you and your boyfriend, a positive experience you had together, or even thinking about your hopes for the future and how you all are working toward that.
These are the general steps when using thought stopping and thought redirection techniques. Try them out and see how they help with redirecting the intrusive thoughts.
I wish you both all the best with the move and your future together. I hope these techniques are helpful!