How do I deal with child trauma that resulted into people pleasing and to set boundaries?

Content/Trigger Warning: Please be advised that the article below might mention trauma-related topics that include types of physical abuse & neglect that could be triggering.

Hello Jem, this is an excellent question.  I am often working with clients who experience complex trauma, which is not necessarily overt physical abuse or neglect.  Many of us develop a layer of complex trauma because of a parent or parents were unpredictably supportive or angry with their children when they expressed their needs and tried to exert boundaries.  When you may have initially first tried to find your voice, with your family of origin, to set your boundaries and find your own strong identity which usually starts to happen around the age of 10 and continues throughout your teen years, you might have needed to shut it down to feel safe again.  

This is a trauma response called "fawning" which allows a person to maintain engagement in potentially unpredictable and invalidating relationships.  Fawning looks and feels much like you describe.  It is a people pleasing that invalidates the persons individual needs, in favor of maintaining closeness at all costs and preventing potential problems and conflicts that almost always arise in relationships that negotiate and then respect boundaries.  This is harder for you to do because doing so may have a feeling of fear and anxiety connected to it, and, of course, it is usually a learned skill over many years developed in later childhood. 

Many of us experience deep connections in our work relationships which then can take on a  similar dynamics to that in our families since we spend so much time together.  These relationships can actually trigger your trauma response since inherent in work is the feeling that it is threatening to your well being if you are not perceived positively.

Of course, feeling guilty for staying in your lane at work, and not taking on other's tasks for them, and or, sharing with others your limits around time and energy, is not easy for you when you haven't practiced it!   It can certainly help you to understand how to communicate through this with others using techniques like reflective language.  This is something you can certainly practice at get better at at any age. 

It can also help you to seek treatment that specifically addresses your learned trauma response.  This can be achieved in many ways depending on your style as a person and the way you process things in the world.

I use psychodynamic principles as well as family systems frame works to help my clients gain a deeper understanding of themselves.  As they do this, much of the charge in their story begins to diminish by being seen, validated and clearly expressed.  Having words to put to your feelings and to be able to talk about it with others in your life, not just in your therapy, but with friends, romantic partners and even your family, is often the key to finding your boundaries and limits in your personal relationships.  This is a form of therapy that requires a commitment of time, and you may indeed want to give your therapy time, especially if you are carrying layers of confusion and family traumas.  

A way to reduce your symptoms quickly, and can even be important to do in conjunction with traditional talk therapy, is using a treatment technique called EMDR, that helps clients rework their trauma response.  It is possible to find a therapist who uses EMDR in conjunction with traditional talk therapy.  Some therapists also use a form of CBT that focuses directly on their trauma.  This can also be effective depending on how you may prefer to work through your challenges.  

In any of these methods you may expect to find a certain amount of self awareness and relief within a few months of care.  However, a deeper more lasting change in you often happens around 6 months of care and well into a year.  

Sometimes you will uncover much inside you in the process of therapy that you will absolutely want to keep working on and you will realize that your personal growth is enhanced, you feel stronger in your life and your relationships and ready for change, and you witness how being validated in treatment effects you.  If you can, consider developing a therapy "relationship" to help you work through your childhood traumas.  

I hope that this helps you make some choices for yourself in moving forward and I want to wish you all the best.  Thank you as well for asking such an important clear question.

Warmly,

Elise B. Jacobson, LICSW

Social Worker