How do I overcome a habit of shutting down during conflict in my marriage?

Hello Autumn:

Thank you for your question. This is something that many people struggle with. Sometimes, when we are very emotional, the part of our brain that we use to think clearly and problem solve sort of shuts down which leaves us unable to communicate the way we want to. But let’s start at the beginning.

If we were working together, I would want to ask a few questions to start.

·      When you talk about trauma, are you talking about childhood trauma or trauma within your marriage, or both?

·      How long have you been married?

·      Is your husband currently abusing you physically, emotionally, verbally, or in any other way?

If you are currently experiencing any kind of domestic violence, then I would want to get you connected immediately with a domestic violence organization. I happen to be in Omaha and here in Omaha, that organization would be the WCA. I don’t know where you are located but we could find a resource for you wherever you are.

If you are not currently experiencing any kind of violence, but you do become overwhelmed by anxiety to the point where you have a hard time articulating what you want to say, then our approach would be different.

The first thing we would want to do is learn some mindfulness skills that will help you manage your anxiety. These are skills such as meditation, mindful breathing, and many other practices that help with anxiety. These skills do not have to be complicated or take a lot of time. They are very helpful, though, in keeping your anxiety at a level that does not interfere with communication.

Another thing we would do would be to determine what you want to say to your husband. Are there things you want to communicate to him when things are calm? Are you wanting to help him understand how the fighting affects you? Do you want to express to him what would be more helpful? Regardless of what you want to tell him, the key would be to write down everything that you know you want to say to him. Perhaps make a bullet list so that even if your anxiety is high, you can grab your list and have it in front of you.

Something else that I would be wondering is if your husband is actually willing to listen to what you are saying? Does he want to understand what is going on when you get anxious? Are you and your husband generally speaking on good terms? If you are generally on good terms, then I would think your husband would be open to learning how to communicate better so that you both feel respected even when you do not agree on something. Clearly, I would need to know more about the dynamics of your marriage. But if he is open and you are open, there are many tips for healthy communication. For example, there is something called the Fair Fighting Rules. This is simply a guideline for how to communicate about something that has the potential for conflict. Some of the rules include 1. No yelling or name-calling; 2. Stick to one subject; 3. No interrupting of the other person and each person has their time to speak; 4. Take a time out if necessary to cool down but come back to the conversation after a specified period of time. These are just a few of the rules.

Another thing that is important to understand is what is called the threat response or the “fight/flight/freeze” response. When our brain perceives danger, our body automatically goes into one of these response modes. It is not something you consciously think about. When you say that you “shut down,” that sounds like you are in “freeze” mode – just not able to do anything. With the threat response, it is important to learn and practice what I was mentioning before – the mindfulness skills. These skills help get the message to your body that you are not in danger and that message will then signal your body to calm down. Once you calm down, you can then collect your thoughts and communicate what you want to communicate.

It helps to learn assertiveness skills. This means that you learn to articulate exactly what you are thinking and feeling – respectfully – as well as what you need. You also learn how to establish healthy boundaries.

Another technique that really helps with anxiety is to write things down. This means that you write down whatever you are experiencing in the way of thoughts and feelings in a journal or a notebook, or whatever you want to write it in. This helps by getting all of that noise out of your head and on to a piece of paper. It is amazing how much it helps to write things down.

It also helps to be aware of what is going on around you. If you know that you are going to have a tough conversation with your husband, then it helps to prepare for that conversation by first doing some mindfulness practices and then writing down what you want to say. If the tough conversation catches you off guard, it is okay to say to your husband “I need a few minutes to ground myself before we have this conversation.” Again, I am going on the premise that he wants to show you respect and would be willing to give you some time to collect yourself.

Obviously, a lot depends on what the nature of your relationship is with your husband. Some of these tips will apply no matter what that relationship is like. But there could be other tips that will be more helpful if your relationship is generally not very healthy. Perhaps the most important thing to remember no matter what your relationship is like with him is to learn some mindfulness skills so you can help yourself stay calm, and then be prepared by having a few things written down in advance that you would want to say to him.

I know this is somewhat vague and general because there is so much I do not know about you and your husband. I think the most important thing for you to know is that you can learn skills to help you with these challenges. It is not hard but it does take some time, practice, and patience.

And, finally I would hope that you would learn that you are not a mess, a problem or a burden. You are simply a human who is experiencing some challenging situations.

I hope this has helped you a little bit. I would welcome the opportunity to help you learn these and other skills.

Thank you!

Judi