How to deal with social anxiety?

Growing up I’ve always been very social and comfortable in my own skin, but as I got older I became shy and introverted. This is affecting my daily routines and doing things that I need to do in order to grow as a person/adult. I also struggle with speaking and finishing my thoughts because I often can’t find the right words or my mind goes blank mid sentence.
Asked by Maya
Answered
06/28/2022

Hello and thank you for your question,

I will provide you with information on how therapists typically treat social anxiety. Ultimately, it would be great to have a therapist help you go through these different steps but there are also things here you can do on your own to get started in case you do not have a therapist right now.

One of the first steps to think of is how your anxiety is making you miss out on certain opportunities. These could be related to your values. For example, begin making a list of your values and examine how the anxiety is impacting these different areas. Usually, I find that people begin to identify their values through this process and notice a pattern of avoidance. They notice that avoidance of certain social situations is affecting their ability to live a more meaningful life.

Being concerned about being observed by others and negatively judged is normal for most people. Most everybody has experienced feeling nervous, scared, panicky, insecure, embarrassed, or ashamed in social or performance situations. In your case, you are going to examine when the avoidance is impacting you meeting goals or living towards your values.

Another step is to recognize that your thought patterns are likely not going to the logical conclusion. You’ve probably heard people ask, “What’s the worst that can happen?” When a trigger situation occurs, and your mind jumps to the worst possible outcome—that's using catastrophic thinking. Your therapist would help you identify more of these thought patterns. Imagine you are looking at yourself in a funhouse mirror at a carnival or fair. You know it is you looking into that mirror, but your face is not that long, your stomach is not that fat, and your legs are not that skinny. The mirror is distorting the reality of what is there. When we are anxious, our thoughts get reflected in a funhouse mirror. Further, you can be unaware of the distortion and take those thoughts at face value, making you even more scared.

One of the most effective ways to begin addressing the avoidance is through exposure. You can try to address the distorted thoughts but replacing your distorted anxious thoughts will not solve it completely. Reasoning won’t kill them. Like vampires, these thoughts will live forever unless they are exposed to sunlight. To really change the way we think, we need to purposely experience what we’ve been avoiding. We need exposure. Exposure is moving toward your fears instead of away from them. By facing your fears repeatedly you will learn to manage them and move on. There may be a situation you know will purposely cause a little bit of anxiety for you. I would recommend trying to face that situation purposely. Over time, you begin to challenge yourself with more anxiety provoking situations. The more exposures you continue to do the better you are addressing the social anxiety. 

Thank you again for your question!

(MA, LPC, NCC)