How to overcome an invisible roadblock to advance in my career and health when I know the steps?
Asked by Sashimi
Answered
05/31/2022
Hi Sashimi,
Thank you for your question. Feeling stuck in cycles and feeling anxious to achieve a successful job sounds hard right now. You don’t know why you feel the way you do, people around you don't realise how hard things are for you and, you are coping but it doesn't sound like you are thriving. It sounds, too, as if you don’t know if you are searching for the right tool to unlock a well paid role, but something does not feel right for you.
It might surprise you that it isn’t uncommon to feel this way. Some people might call it something else, or have a name for it, which can be isolating. The most important thing to know is that this is how you feel, it is your reality, and it is valid. At the moment, working out why you feel this way and how to change it is hard, which is why counselling can help.
Your experience could be for a number of reasons- it could be trauma, anxiety, depression, hormonal or grief to name but a few common reasons. COVID-19 restrictions have made such factors a lot worse, too. These types of issues can be lonely, confusing and disempowering- why wouldn’t you feel something is wrong because of them?
The first step in learning to cope with how we are feeling is to listen to the wisdom of your body. You want to freely admit and be honest, accepting that just because you're struggling with how you feel doesn't mean you're weak, it just means you're human. Perhaps list all your sources of stress and how you might react to them differently and with empathy for yourself. And coming to terms with a problem is difficult, unless we stop denying that there is a problem with how it is responded to. You have been fine up until now, good enough is more achievable than perfect, but if your focus on self-study sounds as if it is becoming a problem for you, something needs to change.
The kind of thoughts that we tell ourselves when we feel we can't cope gives us permission to continue to stay in denial and not deal with our emotions, because that can be kind of scary, dealing with emotions, because what does that mean? It doesn't mean you don't want change things; but it might mean you may need help to see the resources you have to cope with what you are experiencing right now.
Sometimes, when life becomes difficult, we lose track of ourselves, including the things, people and connections that are important to us. Have a think about the quality of the relationships you have. How do you know your friends are just that and what stops you talking openly about how you are feeling? Emotional intimacy, active listening, support, and companionships are all important. When these are missing in your life, it could lead to feelings of emptiness and loneliness, too. Think about how you would be with a friend if they were going through what you are experiencing. Often, we don’t speak to ourselves the same way we do our friends, which damages our relationship with ourselves.
Likewise, to improve our relationship with ourself, it can be helpful to set goals that feel manageable given where you are at the moment. When we have an expectation of ourselves that is asking too much, it can be aspirational, but unrealistic expectations seem to get in the way of consistency at least as often as they support it.
Sometimes our expectations and plans can be so lofty we forget where we are and don't take into consideration how we feel, it is disempowering. As an alternative, we can create a simple list of things you feel able to do that moves you towards the general direction of your goal. If you want a role with more money, how can you work towards this is a sustainable way that doesn't demotivate you, for example?
Organic growth over time helps identify what we can do with the resources we have. It helps to appreciate that our energy levels change and our resilience can ebb and grow. And anything that gets us to happily show up every day is the mechanism- expectations that are too high lead to feeling like we want to shut down.
Other times, it might be we don’t think we can talk openly about the thoughts and emotions that are occupying us; from the past, present or future, with the people around us. If we don’t feel we have the right words to explain how we feel, why would anyone listen? This is where therapy can help. Counsellors provide a third party, non-judgmental approach to what you are feeling, so you can find a language to help express yourself.
Even if it feels overwhelming and painful, thinking and talking about significant feelings, events or thoughts that trouble you may help you process them. Depending on how strong you feel about these events, going through the process with a counsellor is highly advisable.
It might be how you see yourself in relationship with others impacts your relationship with yourself. It might help to think how you see yourself and who you prioritise. For some people, taking care of others might come first. It sounds for you as if there are a lot of elements of comparison with those around you. Consider whether you put the needs of others first and if you struggle to make time for yourself. An aspect of this might be people pleasing. You may feel that making others happy makes you happy, too. Often, when you feel it is OK to meet your needs, you become better able ask for help and support others, too.
Take care of your physical needs. When bodies are run down, you're more susceptible to burnout. Make sure you have a good diet, especially your breakfast, something healthy. Avoid abusing yourself with rigid diets. Try to get as much exercise as you realistically can, avoid addictive substances and get plenty of sleep. Attend the basic needs you're not attending- don't work out for hours every day, just your basic needs- eating healthy, not too much caffeine and being mindful of getting enough sleep.
It is important to remember that everyone needs support sometimes and care always, including you. Sometimes social media can impact this. Be mindful when you are on social media how much time you spend there and, what type of accounts you follow. How people present themselves is often different to their life- they present their best or worst parts of their day, but rarely show everything, particularly the mundane or things that won’t get them ‘likes’. It can cause comparative behaviour, where one never scores higher than the ones that seem ‘perfect’ or like they have their lives together.
Making time for self-care and listening to yourself is an important part of life. Not taking care of your needs can cause problems of self-worth which could also impact feelings of frustration, too.
Do not be afraid to seek help with this as you explore it further. Be kind to yourself and listen to your needs as you are getting to know these aspects of yourself.
(MA, Counselling, Cognitive, Behaviour, Therapy, Level, 5, PGDIP, Integrative, Counselling)