In what ways can I work towards easing an anxious attachment style to avoid unhealthy relationships?

Thank you for reaching our and for submitting your question. I am sorry that you are experiencing some struggles and challenges in your life right now.

An anxious attachment style can definitely cause a variety of challenges in relationships of all kinds. And it is not uncommon for someone who has an anxious attachment style to engage in behavior patterns which ultimately bring about the very thing they are fearful of and which they want more than anything to avoid: abandonment.

There are some traits which tend to be common in those who would be described as having an anxious attachment style:

You might be too helpful to others in order to make them need you

You could be overly jealous and suspicious

You may need constant attention and support

You could have trouble setting boundaries

It could be challenging to be alone

You maybe ruminate over and over about small stuff

You may be overly sensitive to the moods of other people

You might find you have a high emotional reactivity when a person is not reaching out to you

You could be a people pleaser who is also giving in to what others want, ignoring yourself and eventually becoming angry and resentful because of this

You might have low self-esteem

You take on a lot of responsibility and blame in your relationships

There can be differing factors which play a role in the development of an anxious attachment style. Every person’s story will be completely individual and unique. So yours will, of course be dependent on your own personal history. But often there are some common factors that contribute including your overall general temperament, how attuned your primary caregivers were to you needs both when you were a baby and throughout your childhood, the environment you found yourself in (it was perhaps unstable, unpredictable, and inconsistent), and a potential history of events which were traumatic. Depending on which factors have played a role in your life, the strategies which will be employed to move towards a more secure attachment will vary.

For someone living with an anxious attachment style, you are prone to having an overall lower satisfaction level from relationships as compared to an individual who is more securely attached. You may question every minor thing, worry about how responsive the other person is or isn’t being. You fret over what has happened and ruminate about what might be to come. As such, you could be seen as too needy and clingy. You might encounter challenges with communication. There could be more frequent arguing. And you generally contribute to smothering the relationship – which is the very thing all your actions were intended to prevent. 

Is it possible to experience a turnaround? Can you leave your anxious attachment style behind and become more secure? The answer is absolutely yes. The first step is understanding and acknowledging that this is how you relate to others. It means accepting your role in relationships and having a genuine motivation to change what will be the only thing you have control over – yourself.

Therapy is a wonderful way in which to engage in the process of changing your attachment style. In the therapy room you will be able to participate in what are known as corrective emotional experiences. With the therapist, you will work on changing your belief system and you will work on leaving old memories which are proving counterproductive in your life in the past. In therapy, you have an opportunity to engage with someone who is trained to listen, and who is there to provide unconditional positive support to you. This allows you to be seen and heard in a way which you may never have experienced. You will be able, perhaps for the first time ever, to express your genuine feelings and thoughts with no risk of abandonment.

Treatment can involve allowing you to get better at being vulnerable. If you want to be more securely attached, practicing vulnerability and taking some risks will help bring you toward that place. You are going to need to work on stepping away from the patterns and behaviors which have become familiar and safe. They may not be working well, but they are known. It might feel too overwhelming to do this in your current relationships. And so therapy is a great way to dip your toe in so to speak. With the therapist, you can take some risks. If you don’t know what you need, what you’re feeling, or what you want, the therapist can help you become more clear about all of these things. And then, together, you can practice expressing what you want or setting a boundary around what you don’t want. Day to day, you might presently fear voicing such things. But a therapist will be that safe person to practice with. They will work with you as you get more comfortable with expressing yourself and with taking up a bit more space in your relationships. 

It will also be helpful to continue the activities you are already engaged in such as journalling and identifying and combatting negative thoughts.

Your attachment style is definitely something you can work on and improve. It is likely it may always be something you need to navigate and pay attention to as you continue throughout life. That is okay. It is part of your personality and makes you uniquely who you are. It does not mean there is anything wrong with you. But understanding that you have an anxious attachment style will help you learn how to better manage how you interact with others. And through better management, you will be able to realize an improvement in your relationships. It will be possible to find a healthy balance so that your needs get met and your relationships grow to be more positive and rewarding for all.