Ask a therapist > Depression > How can I get out of this hole?

How can I get out of this hole?

I don’t know how to properly cope with the death of my loved ones. I wake up and do the same thing everyday just getting through the day. Some days are better than others but I'm just feeling empty lately.
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Asked by Cat
Depression
Answered
02/05/2023

Hi Cat! 

I am glad you reached out. It sounds like you are going through some rough times right now. I agree that coping with the loss of loved ones can be especially challenging. 

Grief is a difficult thing to manage, but you can do it. It is normal to go through ups and downs when grieving but please keep in mind; it does get better! When you find that you are having a good day, pay attention to what is happening that is making it better. Be aware of your inner voice on those days and write the positive things down. Refer to them on your days that are not so great. Practice making those thoughts your inner voice. Talk to yourself like you are your own best friend. 

On the bad days, write down those thoughts too. Pick out the thoughts that are cognitive distortions. A cognitive distortion is a thought that is based in feeling instead of fact, and is sometimes inaccurate. Look at your thoughts, pick out the cognitive distortions. Ask yourself why these thoughts exist and explore what the facts are. Try to reframe your thoughts to the facts. 

Don't overwhelm yourself. Getting one dish done instead of an entire sink full of dishes is still progress. Allow yourself to think of small accomplishments as progress. Set small goals for yourself that gradually increase every day and soon enough, you will be feeling better and being more productive. 

It can also be helpful to look at the positives. Our brains are naturally wired to focus on the negative but the good news is that we can rewire them to be more helpful. Every day, write down a few things that you are grateful for. It's okay to be sad about some things and grateful for other things at the same time. Small shifts to focus on what you are grateful for will add up to positive thought changes. 

The biggest key here is that it does take effort, which is hard to put in when you are feeling this way. When you are struggling, remind yourself that you will feel better if you push through the negative feelings.

I wish you the best! 

-Melissa

(LCSW)