How do I cope with disappointment and jealousy?

Hi Purple,

Thank you so much for asking this great question on the BetterHelp platform.

I can tell that you have been able to recognize some of your important feelings when it comes to your relationship with your sister. It sounds like you are seeking out some guidance on developing coping skills at this time. Developing your coping skills is a great solution as a means to manage your feelings of disappointment and jealousy about your current situation.

I believe that you have already done a wonderful job of taking that first step of identifying your feelings. From my perspective, there are three basic steps of feelings identification.

• The first step is to recognize what your feelings are and then verbalizing or writing down those feelings. I recommend that individuals who are looking to identify specific feelings (and it may be more than one at any given time) utilize the feelings wheel as a means to pin point exactly how they feel. 
  I personally like the concept of the feelings wheel because it is displayed in a circular format. The circle can be a truly healing shape and has important cultural significance. In addition, the concept of the wheel provides a symbol of human invention and the ideal of energy and movement forward. The wheel also serves a reminder of the process that the turning of the wheel can bring about change and accomplishment. Take your time to see which of these feelings match where you are at.
  Below is a link to the feelings wheel:
  https://ytp.uoregon.edu/sites/ytp2.uoregon.edu/files/Feelings%20Wheel%20in%20PDF.pdf
  
  
• The second step of this process is going to be identifying why you are feeling that way. A basic way to identify why you are feeling a certain way is by creating a fill in the blank statement that goes something like this: "I feel _____ because of ______." It sounds like you have already completed that step and it would be a good idea to keep this process in mind for the future and continue consciously identifying the reasons for feeling the way you feel.
• Lastly, the third step in feelings identification, based on my experience and expertise, is to check for congruency. An example of congruency would be: "I feel happy because I am with my friends and family." An example of incongruency would be: "I feel sad because I am with my friends and family."
  The goal is to seek congruency between the feelings that you experience and the reasons why you have those feelings. When individuals are sad, it makes sense that they may frown or cry. When individuals are happy, it makes sense that they might smile or laugh. It does not make sense when some one is feeling happy although they are crying. This exemplifies incongruency for feelings. It is okay to feel the way you feel if it makes sense to feel that way. I hope this explanation is helpful for you.

I can see why you are feeling disappointed with how things went for your own wedding. I can imagine that with the COVID 19 restrictions and regulations, that your wedding did not go as well as you had hoped. It sounds like you have been making a long list of comparisons between your wedding and your sister's wedding. If you can, try to begin the process of conceptualizing the fact that each wedding is a unique event, experience and phenomena. Is there a way in which you can be happy for her while simultaneously accepting your own wedding experience? It may not be helpful to compare your experiences to your perception of her wedding experience at this time. I recommend trying to recognize the strengths and good things about your wedding. I know that you mentioned that your wedding was an awful and disappointing experience but are you able to identify any positive aspects of your experience?

Regarding coping skills, what strategies have you tried in the past? The first things that come to my mind are: mindfulness, relaxation techniques, deep breathing, coloring, therapeutic journaling, exercising and other self care strategies. I recommend checking out this website which provides an overview and a list of coping skills:

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5c154cf9372b964a03cbccdb/t/5c488d65352f534aa63aa58a/1548258661324/100+Coping+Skills.pdf

I would like to encourage you to have hope that perhaps you may be able to recreate your wedding in the future. Maybe reflecting on your own experience of getting married through journaling might be helpful for you. Although you may not be able to completely redo your wedding, you may want to consider planning an anniversary celebration to recreate that experience. Perhaps you can create a therapeutic drawing about your wedding and your journey of marriage.

At this time, I recommend individual counseling services. Even short term therapy can be beneficial for numerous individuals. It may be helpful to connect with yourself and your experiences to determine the underlying cause as to why you are feeling dissatisfied and disappointed with your own wedding. Also, group therapy is another great option for you to learn how to incorporate self care and coping skills with other people who are experiencing emotional challenges.

As a final thought, I recommend combating the feelings of disappointment and jealously with the principles of radical acceptance and gratitude. A simple solution for practicing gratitude might be writing a gratitude list. Identify one thing that you are grateful for at the beginning or end of every day. Radical acceptance does take a lot of practice and may be something you can focus on developing over time. Start this process by developing a personalized positive affirmation that suites you and your current situation. An example of a positive self affirming statement would be: "I choose to view life's challenges as opportunities for growth."

Again, Purple, I want to thank you so much for reaching out for support on the "Ask a Licensed Therapist" forum.

I wish you all the best on your therapeutic journey on BetterHelp. I hope that my response was helpful for you in some way! I hope that you have a great day!