How do I deal with my sister-in-law who doesn’t like my child.

Dear Mhar, 

Family tension is SO CHALLENGING! I am so sorry that your family relationships are not as they should be--peaceful, unifying, and harmonious.

From what you have told me, this is how I would like to encourage you:

First, let's look at the facts. Your brother has made a choice to marry this woman. I am not sure of her formal "diagnosis" and therefore, if you will permit me, I would rather for now say that her behavior is rude, selfish, and self-serving. It is destructive to family harmony, peace, and unity. She has made it clear how she feels about you and your family. That you cannot change. One thing that I am curious about is your brother's reaction to her behavior. Does he support her treatment of you and your family? Or is he passively silent and unsupportive?

Second, your mother. From her perspective she is wanting something good--family peace, harmony, and unity with her adult children and their spouses, and her grandchildren--the picture perfect family. Sadly, in many ways, her behavior is much like your sister-in-law's toward you. She is being rude toward you. Her motives do not appear to have your best interests in mind or your daughter's but hers. And sadly, these conversations then become arguments. It doesn't seem that she is really hearing you, supportive of you, nor respecting your decision. I am sorry for this. It seems to be that it is most hurtful when this comes from our parents or our spouse.  It also seems as if what she wants is more important and that maybe she is arguing with you until you are exhausted with it, hoping that you will give in, and just "go along to get along." 

However, this is never healthy. The best question to ask you is what is the healthiest decision for you and your family? It may not mean that the answer includes family peace, harmony, and unity with your extended family. But that is OKAY. You do not have control over your extended family.  You only have control over how you respond to them. What is MOST IMPORTANT is your family. You have a daughter to protect and not feel unloved by anyone if you can help it. That does not need to be compromised.

What boundaries could you put in place? For example, maybe a clear boundary needs to be, "Mom, I have made my decision about my sister-in-law." I know that you may not agree, but I ask that you respect my decision. I love you, Mom, and I want to protect our relationship from being damaged anymore by this wound between us." Whenever your mother refuses to respect your boundary, you leave, you hang up the phone, etc--and all calmly and respectfully, with a simple truthful, gentle, and calm answer as to why you are exiting the conversation. 

Given the behavior you are describing that your mother engages in, I wonder if the real concern is your mother at this point. That is why I say what I do above. It seems as if you have handled your sister-in-law well.

I am so sorry for this discord and wound. I hope this answer is helpful.