Ask a therapist > Family > How do I handle parenting teenagers during a divorce?

How do I handle parenting teenagers during a divorce?

I moved out a year and 10 months ago and my divorce is scheduled to be finalized in the next few weeks. My oldest son, who is 14 is handling things every well. My youngest son, who will be 13 in May, not so much. This were fine until right after Christmas. My youngest found out I was taking a trip with some friends and seemed to be upset that he wasn't involved, even though the trip occurred during his time with his dad. When he gets up set he shuts down and simply refuses to talk to me, but will glare and give me dirty looks. These behaviors have become more frequent even after the trip and he seems to get upset when I talk to any of my roommates. It seems like he is upset that I am not giving him my full, undivided attention all the time. I have shared custody so he is with me 50% of the time and I do try to fill that time with things to do with them when I am not working but he still ends up upset. He also reacts like this when I make them go to bed at 10pm on school nights. Over all... I want to find a way to get this behavior to stop... I need him to communicate to me exactly what is wrong so we can discuss it, but he wont he just shuts down and then later acts like it never happened. I am also worried that he is being told things by his father, we separated because he was very manipulative and abusive in many ways. I am trying to be gentle with him, I know he has been through a lot in the past year and a half... but I have to get through to him somehow so he understands the behavior is simply unacceptable and communication is a necessity in life.
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Asked by T
Family
Parenting
Answered
03/28/2022

Hi there! I want to first say that I am so happy that you reached out with this question. Clearly you love your children and want to do everything within your power to provide a healthy environment for them. I think it would be most helpful to break things into three categories; your relationship with your ex-husband, your relationship with your son(s), and your own personal well-being. 

 

It sounds like you are dealing with an ex-husband who is putting relationship issues ahead of what is best for your children, which is very unfortunate. Ideally you and your ex would be able to sit down and agree on some consistent rules to enforce with each household as well as expectations for one another (no talking poorly about the other parent, not involving the kids in “grown up” issues, etc.) If your ex is unable to put aside any of his personal issues with you and your relationship and make the well-being of your kids priority then I would focus on what you have control over. This may include upholding your own personal values, modeling healthy behavior, and if necessary exploring legal steps you could take. I will attach a few resources that may be beneficial to look through:

 

In no way am I labeling your ex as a narcissist, this resource just has some good tips on how to maintain healthy boundaries with an ex while co-parenting.

https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/co-parenting-with-a-narcissist

 

This may help shine light on unintentional or intentional behaviors that could cause damage.

https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/parentification-parents-relying-kids-for-emotional-support/

 

From what you have shared, it seems like you are doing a good job of letting your son know you are there for him and trying to keep communication open. I would definitely encourage you to keep that up and not take his shutting down personally - so not getting mad at him or showing disappointment if he isn’t willing to open up as this could push him away more. I imagine he is experiencing emotional flooding and has no idea how to communicate what he is thinking or feeling, so he just shuts down because everything is too confusing, painful, or overwhelming. Continue offering assurance that you are there for him. If he is willing, therapy could also be a great resource as it would give him a totally unbiased person to help him sort through what he is feeling in a trusting environment. Lastly, while it may feel tempting to be more lenient on him as far as rules and expectations go, I would highly encourage you to keep them up. This provides consistency and stability for him, and while he may not love that, it is exactly what he needs at this time. With that being said, I would also keep in mind this saying

(https://tinybuddha.com/wisdom-quotes/beneath-every-behavior-there-is-a-feeling/ ) and really attend to the need that is being communicated through inappropriate actions.

 

I love psychology today (they have lots of insightful and trustworthy articles), here is one that may be a good start and I would encourage you to seek out others you may find beneficial.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/200908/parental-divorce-and-adolescents

 

Lastly, I would encourage you to meet your own needs and tend to your emotional and physical well-being. If you are healthy you can better care for your boys. Here is a short and sweet article to reinforce the idea that your needs are also valid and important.

https://www.scarymommy.com/single-moms-take-time-self-care

 

You can take the trip AND let your kid know that they are the most important thing in your life. And of course, as a counselor I am going to encourage counseling, right!? Having an outlet for raw and honest thoughts and feelings as well as support and guidance in making tough decisions can do wonders to help you navigate this part of your life.

 

I hope you found this response helpful and I wish you nothing but the best moving forward.

 

 

(MS, LPCC)