Ask a therapist > Family > How do I not let things bother me so much?

How do I not let things bother me so much?

I am married for a little over 2 years. My in-laws are very rude with me. they don't live with me, but my mother-in-law calls me and sometimes says a lot of rude things and then hangs up the phone on my face. they wanted us to live with my husband's sister, and we did for the first two years, and then it got inconvenient for all of us, so we all decided to move separately. that triggered my mil and fil and they started to become passive aggressive. i visited my in-laws place and my fil would not even look at me. my mil calls me up and says strange rude things. this one time she called me and accused us of not checking up on my fil who had tooth ache! which we did not even know about. not sure if i am able to articulate this right, but bottomline, is that she keeps making me feel horrible and is extremely rude with me. i have been ignoring them all, but recently she called me up when i was with friends and said a whole lot of rude things (as always) and hung up, that is when i feel i reached my boiling point. i sometimes feel angry with my husband because i have to go through all this because of him. i feel like my in-laws affected my mental health in a lot of ways. how do i get over this? how do i not let all this bother me? i keep dwelling on all this and it makes me very sad and depressed.
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Asked by Tina
Family
Marriage
Answered
01/17/2023

Thank you for your question.  It is important to remember we chose the person we marry but that person did not chose their biological family (parents, siblings, grandparents).  Having difficulty with in-laws is common and can be extremely uncomfortable.  The spouse can feel stuck in the middle because they don't know how to navigate interpersonal difficulties between their spouse and parents.  

First, I suggest you work on continuing setting boundaries.  You set your first boundary when you decided to move out of your sister-in-law's home.  Good for you for doing that!  It must have been difficult.  Now, you work on articulating your boundaries, such as informing your in-laws you are not willing to engage in this type of behavior.  If they cross that boundary, you can respond by stating something like, "I'm not doing this with you."  Remember, their behavior is not personal. They have probably been acting like this most of their lives, and will likely not change.  It is important to not take ownership of other people's behavior. We get to take responsibility for our own responses to other people's behavior.  Having this outlook can be empowering because the only person we have control over is ourselves. This can be worked on in therapy.  It takes practice, but the result leads to you being free from this negative reaction and having a closer relationship with your spouse. People that behave in such ways as your in-laws attempt to bait people.  It is important to not bite!  If you don't "bite," they tend to move on to another topic. I'm a visual learner, therefore I like to visualize a form of bait being thrown at me when someone states something with the hope of receiving a reaction from me.  

I encourage you to also work on boundaries with your spouse in dealing with future issues with his parents.  This can be done in a therapeutic setting as well.  Again, remember, we don't chose our families.  It is not fair to punish or blame the spouse for their parents' behavior.  You two get to determine what you are willing to compromise on and work on in the future to make your marriage stronger without the influence of your in-laws.