what to do when family ignores you?

Many people are taught at a very young age that “family is everything” and “family first.” But what if that same family is filled with dysfunction or mixed messages based on their behaviors? As people grow from helpless infancy all the way up to an independent adult, somewhere in the middle, family members either continue to bond and grow together, or they may begin to experience enough stress that creates rifts between members. Sometimes the experiences of loss, divorce, differing views on lifestyle, politics, financial dependency, or many forms of abuse can lead to family members ignoring each other. Sometimes the reason is not that large, like a disagreement or disinterest in each other. Finding ways to manage this stress as a family can be such a strength and support for so many, is key to healing this pain and finding alternative self and other support systems.

Ignoring vs. estrangement

As children grow into adults, it is natural and even healthy for them not to be the center of attention or considered in every family decision. Sometimes “ignoring” might actually be a reshaping of relationships. Other times it is ignoring and can lead to estrangement if the ignoring goes on a long time. If ignoring is actually what is going on, the person feeling ignored can be assertive and ask if they did something or if everything is ok. More times than not, ignoring can be misperceived as people invested in their own lives. In counseling, it is encouraged to take responsibility for some of that continual connection. Clients are empowered to write cards, send encouraging texts, or call to see how someone is doing in their family. Still, this all might fall on deaf ears and if that is the case, learning to modulate those hurt feelings is important.

Healing and accepting

People grow to have expectations about one another, especially in family circles. This is based on past behaviors, but it can also be a desire of the receiver to want more than someone can give. Learning to accept where another person is can be a beginning step of the healing process of the pain that comes with being ignored. Putting forth energy towards self-interests, goals, and other relationships also catalyzes healing the wounds that ignoring family members can create. Sometimes, this also allows some space and ability not to take it personally, and when (and if) a family or its members reach out, you can feel empowered to decide if reaching back is the right choice for you.