When your mother is edgy and tells you don't aggravate me and gets snippy. How can I not get upset?

Once I was walking home from firework festival. My mom was edgy I was asking questions like "what if we went to this place and walked." Then got snippy and said "just be quiet." I will do what I can do.
Asked by Climatechange
Answered
05/17/2022

Hi - 

My name is Rebecca Tamasanis and I am a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker with BetterHelp.  Thanks for reaching out with your question.

It's certainly difficult when you want to speak to someone, or ask for their help, only to be met with a mood and unhelpful comments.  I really don't have a lot of information as to the nature of your relationship with your mother.  Is this a situation that typically happens?  Do you feel like she often gets annoyed or frustrated when you interact with her?  The first thing I'd like to talk to you about would be the possibility of speaking to her about this.  Is she even aware of how her responses and comments come across?  Sometimes, people can be unaware of the impact their words have on others.  Shedding light on this can open up discussion between the two of you.  Then you could work on improving communication with each other so both of your needs get met.

I'd also be interested in speaking with you about how you let these snippy comments and responses affect you.  How do they affect you?  Do you get mad or angry or sad or frustrated or all of the above?  It sounds like she was trying to dismiss you in the example you wrote in about.  I wonder why that was.  When you do get a snippy response - what are some ways you can handle this?  One way would be to call her out on it "I'm sorry you're frustrated, I'm not sure why.  But there's something I'd like to talk about with you."  Or "I'm sorry you're aggravated, but that doesn't mean you have to be rude to me."  Just a couple of suggestions in terms of the language you could use.

I'm also thinking about your ability to provide yourself with comfort and reassurance in these types of situations.  Maybe telling yourself - mom is frustrated right now.  She may be going through something that has nothing to do with me.  I'll give her some space and try to talk to her at a different time.  It may very well be nothing you're specifically doing.  Try not to let her comments trigger negative self talk for yourself.  I know it's so hard.  Try to separate yourself from her.  She's struggling.  Not trying to excuse her behavior at all, by no means is it ok, but just reminding you it may not actually be because of you.  Hope this is clear.  

My last thought is - if you can't go to your mom for help, is there someone else you can reach out to?

I wish you the best of luck in this relationship - hopefully the two of you can start talking in a way that promotes healthier communication.

 

Rebecca Tamasanis, LICSW 

(LICSW, ACHP-SW)