How do I help my grandmother who is grieving?

Hi Elle,

 

I am sorry to hear about your grandfather passing away.  I realize that this must be not only tragic and heartbreaking to you but also to you grandmother.  You are a good granddaughter that you are so concerned about the emotional wellbeing of your grandmother.  My training indicates that the next few months are going to be the hardest ones on your grandmother, so I recommend that you don’t wait to implement any action.  Your grandmother might grieve for many years, but the hardest pain will be in the next few months.  

 

While it is obvious that your grandmother is grieving the death of her husband, panic attacks are not always associated with grieving.  My training indicates that relatively few people who are grieving are also having panic attacks.  I would suggest that your grandmother see a professional counselor who is very good at differential diagnosis.  Differential diagnosis is the process by which an expert in the field determines which diagnosis takes priority.  You have brought up three mental health conditions of grief, panic, and depression; the book DSM-5 has an entire page just devoted to the difference between grief and depression.  Panic attacks have very different symptoms than grief and depression, but a good mental health expert will try to determine how many of these disorders that you grandmother has.  

 

The difference between grief and depression might be minor, but the strategy to deal with them is very different.  Grief tends to center around the feeling of emptiness and loss; depress tends to centers are persistent depressed mood and the inability to anticipate happiness or pleasure.  Grief tends to come in waves, and your grandmother might be at the top of wave, the crest, or the bottom of the wave, the trough.  When your grandmother is reminded of her husband, she is likely to go to the top of the wave.  When your grandmother grieves, she will likely have a preoccupation with thoughts and memories of the deceased, rather than the self-critical or pessimistic ruminations seen in depression.  Your grandmother is likely to say that she should have done more for her husband or that she forgot to remind him of how much she loved him that day.  She may even say that she wants to be with her husband, but is normal for a person going through what she went through.  The important thing for you is to be there physically and emotionally for your grandmother.  If she wants space that day, please let her have it.  If she wants to be around other people, please include her even if all the rest of the people are couples.  

 

Paul Teska, LPC + LCDC