Why do I feel like I'm on autopilot, like my life is meaningless, like nothing I do matters?

Hi L,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother's passing. I'm sure that was a very difficult and emotional time for you that continues to affect you currently, and may continue for some time. 

What you described in your question, the feeling of being on autopilot, that life feels meaningless, and like nothing else matters; all of those can indicate grief, it can also indicate compassion fatigue, and/or it can indicate inability to cope with stress. Those are very common and valid responses to increased stressors, which sounds like they are heavily present in your life right now. That numb feeling is often a coping mechanism that can be either consciously or subconsciously triggered as a way to safe guard you to avoid becoming flooded with all of the emotions. It is meant to stop you from feeling too much of all of those emotions at once, it is meant to stop you from feeling overwhelmed, overstimulated or burnt out. However, it doesn't come without it's drawbacks, it slows down the processing of grief and it can be a very scary and uncomfortable feeling to feel like all feelings are gone and all that is left is the feeling of nothingness.

In the past it has been noted that there are stages of grief and allowing yourself to work through them is how you process. However, more recently it has become more evident that grief is not linear, grief can be messy, loopy and unpredictable. Grief looks different for everyone and grief can be very spontaneous and difficult to predict, sometimes even difficult to understand. The best way to work through it is not to push yourself to feel better if you're not ready, allow yourself to sit with your thoughts and feelings, check in with yourself frequently, and sort through them day by day, moment my moment. Don't rush yourself to be in a place you're not ready to be in, there are no how to's and no supposed to's when it comes to this process. Do what feels natural to you, listen to your body and give it what it needs in this moment.

And most importantly if the process becomes too overwhelming to work through on your own then reach out to your supports, express out loud what it is that you are feeling, lean on them to make the process less lonely; and if you need to, reach out to a therapist for continuous support throughout this process.