Ask a therapist > Grief > Why is it hard for me to get over my grandpa's death?

Why is it hard for me to get over my grandpa's death?

Four years ago, I was in college and just started my degree program when my grandfather passed away. He was very important to me while growing up. He was there when I was born. He picked me from school as a child while my parents were at work and took me to the park. I remember sitting by him and watching sports on tv. I even enjoyed listening to his favorite music on his stereo while he slept to it. When I was 10, he made the decision to move back to his home country. I was sad but I still visited him during summer vacations. It was the best time of my life. As I grew older, I spoke less to him but still enjoyed our talks whenever we did speak. He was my favorite person. But when he passed away, my parents didn't tell me right away because they did not want me to be distracted during finals, so they decided to wait until I was finished. When they finally told me, I cried and cried. I wished they told me, that way I was able to travel and see him. But the days after that, I tried to appear fine. I mainly did this because my mom was a mess after my grandfather's death and I wanted to comfort her. I did the same with my sister. Because how would I be able to comfort them if I cried too? After these past few years, my eyes still water whenever I think about him, even by me writing this still makes me upset. But I still push them back in case my mom walks in on me and would ask me what's wrong. Two years after his death, when I visited his grave for the first time in his home country, I couldn't deal with it. It was hard to imagine him being there. I felt so much pain. It's now four years since he passed and I still feel pain. I just wanna scream and cry without anyone able to hear me. I wished I spent more time with him. I wished I spoke more often with him. I wish I was able to say goodbye to him.
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Asked by simme
Grief
Answered
01/31/2023

It sounds like your grandfather was a very special man who has a very special place in your heart. Thank you for describing some of those memories on here with me. I know you had mentioned your eyes were tearing up even writing this, and that is okay and very normal. There is a large part of your heart that is in pain after losing someone so special. It is so important to feel those emotions and work through them. That is part of the grieving process which sounds like you have not been able to fully embrace the process due to several different reasons. Some of which sounds like you are trying to take care of your mom and sister's feelings. What I would ask you to think about though is, what is wrong with your mother or sister seeing you cry? What does crying resemble in this situation? I would imagine the tears come from a place of pain, hurt, and sadness because you are not able to physically see or talk to your grandfather anymore and he was such an important part of your life. You are dealing with a multitude of emotions. Some may stem from how everything progressed after your grandfather died and how you were told. I would imagine you hold onto some anger and resentment because you were not told of this news instantly and then you could not be there to say goodbye in person. I would imagine there is confusion as to why that was the path your parents chose and why they chose to wait to tell you knowing how close he was to you. Did you ever have a chance to talk to your parents about what happened or any of your feelings relating to how it all progressed? 

It sounds like you are at a place where you are ready to start down this journey of grieving your grandfather's death and I think that is wonderful. It is necessary for continued growth and healing. There are many therapists here on this platform that can walk beside you on this journey. It will be hard, it will be uncomfortable at times, it may be exhausting, but it is needed and important for your health and wellbeing. It is beautiful to get to a place where you can honor your grandfather's life and be able to talk about him with others.

Time doesn't remove the pain of the loss. Time allows for you to be able to learn how to live a life without him present and to remember all of the great things about him that made him so special. When you are ready to take the next step, a therapist will be here to offer support and encouragment through your grief journey. They will help you navigate the emotions and challenges of grief. You will move through this and it will be powerful. You deserve the time and support to allow yourself to feel these feelings and work through them. I wish you well on this grief journey. 

(LCSW)