Guilt Answers

I will start by saying thank you for your question and writing about your struggle with feeling lost, guilt, shame, falling off and lack of purpose. I think there is no one way to resolve these issues and that each person may handle dealing with these things differently, but I definitely think there are ways to suggest you could deal with these feelings and then you can make it your own. The first thing that stands out to me as I read your question is I would tend to put feeling lost and not having a purpose together a bit. I think if you are able to find a sense of purpose then maybe you would feel a better sense of direction or maybe a sense of grounding versus a feeling of being lost. As far as finding purpose- I think about a couple of things: the first is purpose can come from something you do. So, what are the things that you do? How do you spend your time? Depending on the answer to this question, I would then encourage you to spend time doing things that make you feel good or give you a sense of satisfaction. I would encourage you to think about the things you have done in your life, and then the things that you might want to do. If you are in a place of not knowing what you want to do with your time and energy, that is okay. Sometimes it takes time to figure this out. In the meantime, again how can we fill your time in a way that makes you feel good, accomplished or energized.  Another good way to gain a sense of purpose is to find a way to help. So whether that be considering your role in your family or your relationships and maybe thinking of ways you can contribute. Another way to help could be to volunteer or get involved in something where you are giving back in some way. This could even be something as simple as cleaning out your closet and donating the items to a homeless shelter or clothing donation program. Last thought on gaining a sense of purpose is I would wonder if there has been any point or time that you have felt a sense of purpose or when you did not feel lost. If the answer to this is yes, then I would wonder what was happening at that time, what made you feel purposeful, grounded or having a good sense of direction. And then once you can identify this, then maybe trying to think of ways you can apply that to your current life situation.  An idea to address "falling off" - The first word that comes to mind for me would be reconnect. The next would be "pick back up". So, if you have fallen off from friends/family, reconnect. Initiate a conversation. Send a text message. Sometimes people just like to hear from you and it doesn't have to be a big conversation, something simple like "thinking of you and hope you are well" can go a long way. Pick back up, if you have fallen off of whatever goals you were trying to pursue, whatever habits you are trying to maintain, pick it back up. Getting started back again is often the hardest part. Remember it takes 21 days to form a habit so it may take a while to get in a routine. Additionally, I think it is important to keep the expectations realistic. If we set our goals to an unrealistic height then we can create unrealistic pressures for ourselves and this then creates negative thoughts that are not entirely warranted. Start small, one step at a time. Small changes accumulate into big changes.  And lastly, guilt and shame. These are tough ones. Guilt is tough and shame is tougher. So the first big thing I recommend to get through these is to acknowledge whatever is causing you these feelings, verbally if possible. If you are feeling guilty about something you have done the first step to relieving that feeling is "admission of wrong-doing". We can feel shame for other reasons and we may feel shame about something that happened to us, versus something we have done but I would still say first step is to vocalize what you are feeling ashamed about and talking to someone you trust to listen to you. If you are uncomfortable with that, second best option would be to externalize those feelings in other ways such as writing them down. Oftentimes this leads to the second step of "receiving grace and acceptance". So for example, I might feel ashamed about something as a first time mom and then I talk to one of my friends who is also a mom and realize what I am going through is very normal and common. Shame can be lifted through vulnerability which requires some level of risk but the reward is greater. Again being vulnerable and real is going to get you further than trying to fight the shame away. Address the person. Address the situation. Address the insecurities. Whatever it is. And then the third step to relieve these things is "repentance". Essentially this means taking action to do better or focusing energy on doing better as a way to make up for past wrongs. This has a healing power to it that can be very transformative in mind, heart and behavior.  I hope this helps and good luck. 

Hi V.  Thank you for your question, I think it is brave of you to be so honest in how you are feeling.  I can sense how much you want to stop the lying but it seems you have got yourself in a pattern and you can not get yourself to stop now even though you know you will feel bad when someone discovers it or you know it might affect them in some way.  I think a good place to start would be to try and understand why you do it. It has to be meeting a need within you to make you do it.  You just do not know what it is yet.  By examining your thoughts, emotions and behaviors (in this case lying) we would be able to have a look for any patterns that have formed, what the triggers are and then begin to introduce strategies to help you stop.  Once the triggers are known you will also have more self-awareness and can begin to implement strategies when you feel you are at a point at which you could lie.  This will help you to stop. Another approach to run alongside this one would be to have the conventional person centred therapy where we explore where this need has come from and what need it is meeting within you.  Does it come from something you witnessed growing up, was it something you needed to do in the past to stop something from happening or to stop you feeling a certain way?  These scenarios could easily form a pattern of behaviors which are no longer helpful for you, and in fact you do not want to do any more.   It sounds like you have now done this for such a long time, that something you perhaps did periodically for small reasons you now find yourself doing everyday, all the time. I feel with the right support and with you wanting and being ready to make a change you could stop.  The strategies would need you to practice, practice and practice but in time you would find yourself doing it less and therefore new patterns of behaviors would form and you would no longer be doing it.

Hi Galie, thank you for your question where you asked about guilt and trying to understand where this chronic guilt comes from. Of course, without sitting down with you and discussing the specifics, this answer can only be quite general, but nevertheless I hope it will be helpful to you. You ask, "why do I feel guilty when something wrong happens?" This is a question only you can answer as you are the one inside your own mind, but let's consider what is happening here. You say you question yourself and your actions whenever someone is unhappy. It sounds like whenever something hasn't worked out to plan or someone expresses discomfort, you become uncomfortable and anxious and run through a mental checklist of your own actions to see what may have contributed to this situation. You ask why you "should" do this and that you tend to do this even when you rationally know you are not to blame for the circumstances. It seems like you are taking a lot of responsibility for a situation and there can be multiple reasons for this. For instance, it may be that you are struggling with anxiety at the moment, which can make us perceive threats that actually aren't there as our mind is in a state of hyper vigilance. This could lead you to imputing causes of bad situations to yourself, instead of seeing things in a neutral light. This is usually due to a desire to control other people's moods and circumstances as a means of safeguarding yourself from negative repercussions. If someone is in a bad mood or things haven't worked out to plan, what does this mean for you? Perhaps you're worried that they will be angry with you, or they will look to you to fix things, even if things aren't your fault. What is it that causes anxiety in this situation? How would you like to act differently? And, if you refused to take any responsibility for the circumstances, and gave your mind permission to "walk away" from this cycle of blame, what do you think the outcome would be? Reflecting on these questions may help you understand why your mind feels the need to blame yourself for other people's problems. Oftentimes, people who make themselves feel responsible for other people's moods have experienced this in their past in some way. It could be that at some point in your past, maybe even your childhood, there was a person in your life who took their anger and hostility out on you, and therefore made it "your problem". That way, even if you weren't to blame, you suffered the ill effects of their bad mood. This could cause you to automatically blame yourself if someone is upset you with, because you have experienced this in your past. It could also cause you to be very careful and hyper attentive to other people's moods or difficult situations, because you have learned that you may be punished for things. This "guilt" that you're feeling may actually stem from a desire to keep yourself from being hurt by other people. You say that you question yourself, your actions, your worth, and whether other people actually love and care about you. This suggests to me that you are suffering from low self-esteem and have trouble believing that you have unconditional self worth. This is an important thing to discuss with a therapist who can talk things through with you and help you work out ways of overcoming this problem. It could be that you have been taught to seek social approval and always be the "nice guy", lest someone be angry with you or dislike you. Perhaps the only way you can feel good about yourself is if you're assured that you are being "nice" and always putting other people's needs first. This is a difficult state to be in because, as you say, you can then feel guilty if someone else is unhappy, because you feel obliged to rescue them from their distress. There are a few ways to start working through this, but a good starting point is consciously recognizing that you are not a knight in shining armor who has to rescue people from their own poor choices or their own negative emotions, and that by doing so, you could actually be stopping people from learning about themselves and making better choices in future. The next time you start feeling guilty about something, take a moment to yourself and ask yourself, "why am I making this my problem? What do I think will happen if I don't step in? Why am I giving myself so much responsibility and power over this other person's life?" Then become aware of your thoughts. Rather than going through an itinerary of your own actions and self-worth, firmly tell yourself, "I am not responsible for other people's issues and I don't need to question myself". Understand that it may be anxiety or trauma causing you to feel this way, not reality itself. And if a person is treating you badly in your life and making you feel like you need to rescue them, this not a healthy relationship to stay in, and you may need to set some boundaries or walk away from it entirely. Thank you for your question and I hope my response is of some help to you. I wish you all the best for your future, Eleanor

Hello Carey, Here are a few ideas that can help you change the way you look at the situation as well as how you look at yourself: 1. Try to separate the behavior (your mistake) from you as a person. You're more than that incident. And it's probably especially hard when your blunder was spread to so many people who don't know you as a person and focus on only what they're being told, but your worst behavior doesn't define you as a person. Pay attention to the successes you've had, the times that you've helped others, the situations in which you overcame obstacles. It takes practice to change how you think, but if you're deliberate about it, it can happen. 2. A useful way to deal with guilt is to do something that you can feel good about, something that benefits others. For example, you could volunteer with various organizations, help someone in need at your church, tutor someone, etc. Since you've been a professional, you could offer your skills to help someone who is struggling in your area of expertise. There are endless opportunities to participate in activities that will help to dissolve the guilt. 3. Look at changing your ultimate goal here. You don't have to "get past this". You can move forward while still acknowledging that what happened was awful. You don't have to totally forgive yourself right now to keep moving forward--you can work on coping with what happened, accepting it. 4. As a therapist, I can tell you that a lot of people get into therapy because they feel stuck, and almost always, for those who stick with therapy for a period of time, do report feeling better. I encourage you to give therapy a try if you're not already doing that. Talking through your feelings and working on rebuilding self-esteem could make it easier to start moving forward.  These are just some ideas, and be proud of yourself for reaching out for help. It means that you know you deserve to take care of yourself, and you do. Nicholas DeFazio, MRC, LPCC-S, LICDC

Hello, Thank you for submitting the question and reaching out. First, I want to address the standards. You have to ask yourself what are those standards you have set for yourself. I would recommend going back and looking at those standards to see where you see them now and how they fit in your life. Looking at how to forgive oneself.  Asking yourself what you need to forgive yourself for is the first step.  Different experiences from our past can potentially leave an impact on the way we perceive and behave today.  In response to things that we have experienced we then learn how to behave in ways that protect us from more pain.  However, you have to use the resources you have at hand. You have to make the most of them. First, if you are feeling guilty, try to understand and remember that you have done the best you can with what is available to you.  You will know when the time is right, and it sounds like you are ready to forgive yourself.  Time and growth will allow you a perspective you didn't have when you may have made the mistake.  However, knowing that you want to forgive yourself means that you may have learned a lesson.  While you are allowed to feel guilty and afraid.  Those feelings actually allow you to make aware of past mistakes. Moving forward you have to accept guilt as an emotion.  Every emotion means something to us.  The guilt can help you move forward and learn from what you may have made a mistake in.  Secondly,  you have to make sure you are healed from the mistake and allowing yourself to heal from that.  When you feel like you are able to forgive yourself, it is opening a wound up.  You have to allow this wound to heal. Also you have to be self compassionate towards yourself. You can do this by doing things for yourself.  Challenging negative thoughts, journaling about your emotions, past mistakes are also very healthy. Nurturing yourself through self care is important, doing things for yourself, giving yourself positive affirmations or words of encouragement.  You also have to remind yourself you are doing the best you can do. Asking for forgiveness may not be easy, but confronting the situation, working through it and taking care of yourself is extremely important to be successful in forgiving yourself fully.

Termination of a relationship can be very challenging especially when ongoing connections stay in place. Moving on and letting go of the past is a challenge that many people face especially in regards to relationships.  Emotions of the past  Guilt, grief and regret are just a few of the negative feelings that can be connected with the past that contribute to feelings of sadness and depression. Since we can not change the past it is easy to get caught up in these emotions because we focus on the desire to do something else based on what ifs and possibilities that can not be proven or disproven.  So there is little to no resolve in the possibility of change because we do not know nor can we predict the true outcome of these changes. Forward thinking Trying to project the future whether it is based on reality of the past or speculation can increase anxiety. Being anxious about what may be or what might have been can contribute to overwhelming feelings of anger and/or resentment. Having a daughter to raise together, while worrying about how past decisions can affect future outcomes, can lead to distractive self-fulfilling prophecies for you or others who are involved. Living in the present  Focusing on the here and now is the key to happiness. Making choices that are based on the best possible future for you and your family can allow you to release and forgive yourself for feelings of guilt, grief, and anxiety. Understanding your mistakes and forgiving yourself for making them will put you in line to forgive others and also for others to forgive you. Take responsibility for your past actions with integrity and you will see a change in your ability to let go and make better choices.  When those around you see you  acknowledging Your responsibility, expressing your regret while taking control of your next steps while respecting the position that you have put yourself in. They will begin to respect you too. This will allow room for growth within the new relationship of coparenting. It will help to remove resentment and anxiety and encourage growth, development, love, and mutual respect for one another. When making decisions in the present consider asking yourself how can I make this moment better.  

Hi Caper. Thank you for reaching out for advice. You're going through a meaningful loss. For both you and your mother. Whenever we are going through a loss, it's essential that we take time to grieve. Pets are just as much family as any human member, and I respect the magnitude of the feelings you must be having. If there is capacity for forgiveness between you and your mother, it may be helpful to explore that. Sometimes it can be very difficult to forgive ourselves without the help of someone else saying "it's okay, I'm sad about it, but I don't blame you". If you were my client I would definitely want to explore your relationship with your mother to know more about how she may react to the news and give support to you in the process of telling her what happened. I'm very sorry for your loss. People do make mistakes and accidents do happen. It certainly does not make you a bad person or a person who cannot learn, heal, forgive and be forgiven. I hope this helps.  Take care and please, consider meeting with a therapist more regularly if possible. These are heavy feelings and complex problems that we often do not have direct solutions or answers to, but are definitely approached more effectively when we have support, understanding, and reminders that we are not irredeemable or bad at our core.  This may be a useful time to connect with any system of belief/faith/worldview that allows you to connect with a source of forgiveness. If you do not have one, this may be a good occasion to explore new ideas and new points of view on topics of loss, grief, and guilt.  Throughout my experience as a therapist, I've seen people go from a place of overwhelming guilt to a place of acceptance over time. Usually the key component of moving forward is to humanize yourself. So much of this may sound easier said than done, and I'd agree that it is, but by no means is it impossible. Your family relationships and your relationship to yourself is worth the step you are taking to seek consultation and do the difficult work that comes with acceptance and forgiveness.  Take care,  Kavin 

When we love others we want to see them happy and at times we can forget about our own happiness. Remembering that your wants and needs are just as important as those you love is very important. Also remembering that you can only be as good to others as you are to yourself.  Feeling guilty for not adhering to the wants and needs of others especially those close to you can be challenging. As human beings we are biologically structured to do things based upon satisfying our internal needs and wants. However, conflict can occur when we don’t. When we are unable to do so negative feelings result. Not aligning your actions to your values and can challenge your internal desires and create feelings of resentment, anger, frustration and more. Therefore, identifying your values and taking action to align your behaviors to that which you value can prove to increase your sense of happiness and well-being.  Identifying your values can be challenging and can be a bit more challenging than it sounds. Starting with asking yourself, "What makes me happy?"  and "Why does it make me happy." Additionally, exploring your need to make people happy beyond simply loving them could assist you. At times we can have fear in nontraditional forms. Fear of being disliked or fear of rejection for not being or doing what others want or need can illicit a need to do virtually anything to please others. As you begin to confront this fear you should begin to believe that others will love you regardless of what you do for them and your confidence will grow, allowing you to begin to set reasonable expectations for yourself and others.  Exploring your associated fears could also be beneficial. If you find yourself fearful of the response from others, learning to become more aware of your fear of rejection and how that fear is connected with past experiences or other fears can be key. Another approach is to positively and realistically assess your relationships and learn that no mater what you do, your family will love you regardless.

Hi Jean, Honoring and acknowledging the feelings and parts of yourself that are protective is an important part of our being emotionally healthy. It is much like receiving validation when we witness something or do something that we later have acknowledged and "Witnessed" by another human. In this case, it sounds like the wounded part of yourself recognizes, based on your experience, that your grandmother was not a good person to you and this "Part" is trying to make sure you are reminded of that. So, that part of you that is hanging onto those feelings is perhaps waiting for that validation and that recognition that your grandmother did leave wounds. I would suggest an exercise to recognize and remind yourself (actually speaking to that protective part of yourself), that you are going to be okay and that she can no longer cause harm to you. You can do this by writing a letter from your older self to your younger self, so that the part of you that is sending signals to be careful, be aware, can stop having to waive that warning flag so much. You can let that protector part of yourself know that you are well aware of what is going on now and that your grandmother will not be on this earth much longer. At the same time, you can choose whether or not you want to continue the visits with her. Can you bring someone with you that knows the history? Is it possible to have a genuine conversation with your grandmother so that perhaps she can free herself of guilt, if she is in that space; and that you can speak the truth to her. It is not uncommon to be able to have such frank conversations at the end of life stage if the person is fully cogent. We do walk gently here to recognize that she is now the vulnerable one, at least physically, and to walk that path carefully to not cause harm to her or yourself. Breaking the cycle of abuse is a tight walk and it sounds like you are trying to do that, but need to acknowledge to your protective part of yourself that you are up for the task.  It sounds like there are some anticipatory, complicated feelings of grief, which can include apathy, anger, regret, guilt and a potpourri of emotions. This might also occur after she passes. Think of how you can navigate this in a way that you can honor yourself and the emotion you still hold in reference to your grandmother, and at the end of her life, feel good about how you walked that walk. If not already, you may want to consider working with a professional through that process. Be gentle with yourself, Judea

Hi Jeeks, Thank you so much for reaching out for support on the BetterHelp platform! I really appreciate you taking the time to ask this valuable question about making positive changes as a means to find a way to let go of your past in order to pursue a semblance of peace. You have certainly come to the right place. Based on what you wrote in your question, it sounds like you have been feeling this way for quite some time. It may be helpful for you to begin to identify which aspects of your past are truly holding you back from your goal of letting go. I can understand that it is a challenging task to process and let go of the past. Please consider having some hope, as well as faith, that the therapists available on the BetterHelp platform are here to guide you in this therapeutic journey. I truly admire your goal of trying to find peace with yourself and with your past. It sounds like that you do have some hope that you can attain peace in some way and at some point. I realize how challenging it can be to let go of the things that have happened in the past but I believe that you can do it. Essentially, it is going to make a difference in your future based on how you choose to process your past. As Francine Shapiro, a well renowned American Psychologist and the founder of the therapeutic modality known today as EMDR once said, "The past is the present. It pushes you." It is true that the past influences and impacts human behavior, thoughts and feelings in the present moment. If we were without our memories and our most deep seated thoughts, experiences and feelings, who would we actually be? It sounds like you really do value peace, and I can tell that you are looking to find some peace within and for yourself. I recommend taking some time to implement the EMDR inner peace place exercise. Initially, the development of the inner peaceful place must come from the self. I will share with you the link to this EMDR based technique: https://emdrtherapyvolusia.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Calm_Safe_Place.pdf The inner peaceful place goes like this: Imagine a place, real or fantasy, that provides a safe space for you to be comforted. Imagine that feeling safe is only seconds away from the present moment. If you can picture this place, what things might you notice seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and feeling? Tap into your five sense for this exercise and imagine yourself feeling grounded and okay in the present moment. Some people may choose to imagine laying on the beach, hiking to the top of a mountain or strolling through the park. Who might be with you in this space? What might you decide to bring with you? Ultimately, this guided visualization exercise is geared towards helping individuals to establish safety, provide relaxation and bring an overall sense of comfort to the present moment. Your inner peaceful place can manifest itself in your life. Remember that no matter where you are physically located and what emotions you are currently feeling, you can return to this place at any time. If you have some time and are willing, you may want to create a therapeutic drawing, painting or a collage of your inner peaceful place. Perhaps you can find an image online that is akin to your imagined peaceful space. Having a visual cue close to you will serve as a reminder of the image you harbor as peace. It will also bring you closer to your desired place of peace. In addition to securing an inner peaceful place, I recommend that you continue your pursuit of prayer. I think that it is a great thing that you have been praying to God for forgiveness and asking for His assistance. It is awesome that you know that God has forgiven you. It is such a wonderful strength of yours to be so in tune with your spirituality. I hope that you continue to value yourself as a spiritual being. A prayer for forgiveness is a truly amazing and powerful thing. It may help if you choose to begin your day with a prayer of forgiveness for yourself. In some ways, this might help you to forgive yourself first and foremost! Think of forgiving yourself for what happened in your past as a great gift that you have the ability to give to yourself. Take a moment to contemplate how far you have come and how hard you have worked to get to where you are today. Thinking in these terms will likely help you to realize that you are deserving of such gifts, including the gifts of forgiveness and of peace. It may take some time, but perhaps you will begin to realize that some of the things that have happened in your past were not always circumstances that were within your control or perhaps you were just simply going through the journey that will lead you to the place where you are meant to be. At this time, I recommend individual counseling services on a weekly or biweekly basis. I can tell that you have a lot of experiences that you are willing to process. I wonder if group therapy services would also be beneficial for you at this time. It sounds like you feel that you have nobody to rely on at this time. It may be helpful for you to join a therapy or support group as a means to connect with other people and engage in social interactions. Thank you, Jeeks, again for your time in exploring this topic on the BetterHelp "Ask a Licensed Therapist" forum. I wish you all the best on your therapeutic journey now and in the future. With a combination of hope, faith, and prayer, you will surely be able to find a connection to your perfect place of peace. Stay positive and be well!

Hi Lolo, you've got a good question there, one that so many of us struggle with and something I see others are often questioning, too. I'm going to challenge you to think not in terms of control, but rather to think of managing. When we think of control it's often with an idea of holding in, or to exercise restraint or direction over. To manage is more along the lines of to take care of. Our emotions have a very important job: to signal to us what's going on internally with our feelings.  When we get a cut, it's obvious we need a bandaid when we see blood. Similarly, our emotions let us know we might need to take care of something, too. It's easy to label some of the feelings and emotions we have as GOOD: joy, happiness, love, peace. We like those feelings because they're easy to sit with and to share with others. It's just as easy to label other feelings as BAD: sadness, hurt, guilt, fear, etc. Those feelings have just as much value to bring to our lives. The first step in managing our emotions is understanding them. We do this by allowing them to happen. Rather than trying to get rid of them when they appear, it's helpful to be curious about them. Saying "I'm having a feeling of guilt..." (or whatever the uncomfortable feeling might be). This creates a little distance between you and the feeling in order to look at it from a different angle. Not fighting it or getting rid of it. From there you might want to take some time (either right then if you're able or later in the day) to investigate a little deeper about the situation that was going on when that feeling popped up as well as notice some of the thoughts you had at that moment, too.  With that said, you touched on a good point. Sometimes our feelings of sadness and hurt are absolutely warranted. When promises are broken and we're let down by others, it makes sense that these feelings pop up. Again, checking in with yourself is the first step. Being honest with yourself about the situation and what about the situation is causing the hurt. It might require that you have an open and honest conversation with that person about what happened. Or it's possible that checking in with yourself might result in reevaluating the relationship with that person.  Managing our emotions is definitely not a simple and straightforward task and when we start making changes with how we're doing things, it can be messy and challenging. If you are noticing that, you might find working with a therapist might be a valuable experience to have someone from outside your world step in and walk with you through the journey.  I wish you the best, Lindsey Maurer, MA, LPCC

Hello Andy: You asked a very important question, How do I deal with my past choices without letting them define and crush me daily? This is a great question. We have all made mistakes. The key to moving past these mistakes is forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It allows you to let go of heavy emotions, such as resentment, you may have towards yourself, or someone else. Forgiveness allows you to treat yourself, and others, with compassion. Forgiveness allows you to give yourself permission to move forward with a renewed mind and heart. Not forgiving can keep you stuck in the past, ruminating on how things could have been different. We have the present time. We can do something with the time we have now to walk in forgiveness and find happiness. Don’t put conditions on your happiness!   True, and authentic, happiness is a state of mind. It is not something we have to go on a scavenger hunt outside of ourselves to find. It is something that lives within us. We just need help discovering our happiness, choosing happiness, and committing to having happiness no matter what. Happiness is a feeling. It is something that you get to choose. You can make yourself happy. To start, begin to let go of unhappiness. To put it another way, let go of what is not serving you. What is not serving you, negative thoughts? Negative anxiety? Low mood? Limiting beliefs? Undesirable coping skills? Lack of boundaries? Putting conditions on happiness? Self-comparisons? Difficulty saying no? Operating from a place of lack? Operating from a place of trauma and fear? Living in the past? Not forgiving? Low self-worth? Low self-esteem?  Another way to find happiness within is to debunk cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are thought errors that affect how we perceive and give meaning to our life’s experiences. All-or-Nothing thinking, Jumping to Conclusions, Should statements, and Emotional Reasoning are all examples of thought errors. Instead of letting thought errors get the best of us, we can choose happiness in each moment by making logical, rational, and productive decisions in a timely manner. In order to do this, we can take some time to relax the mind. We can take some time to weigh facts against the emotionally-based opinions. We can take some time to allow negative thoughts flow to us, and then we can release them without acting on those negative thoughts. Make one minute, one hour, one day, or even the whole week happy. The power is truly within. Are you willing to forgive yourself, and allow yourself to be free of blame, shame, guilt, and resentment? Are you ready to allow yourself permission to have happiness? Working with a mental health professional can help you get to the other side of this challenge. If you feel like you are in distress, or at-risk of self-harm, call 9-1-1, 800-273-8255, or your local hospital. Sending Positive Vibes,   Until Next Time, -Val

Hello.  I am sorry to see that you are feeling like you are the problem when it comes to situations in your life.  Many times the way that we feel is dictated by the thoughts that go through our minds.  If we often deal with a lot of negative or critical thoughts, then we will only feel negative feelings with it.  The negative inner critic is typically formed from what we may have heard growing up and so it is no longer just what we heard. We suddenly adopt the things people used to say as our own beliefs.  I often tell my clients who struggle with those negative thoughts, which are otherwise known as cognitive distortions, that it is hard for them to try changing those negative thoughts to positive ones simply because we are so much more comfortable with saying the negative things to and about ourselves.  Many of my clients express their discomfort with trying to speak positively to themselves, saying nice things in place of the not so nice and even just telling themselves positive affirmations.  This is the very sad part of these thoughts and our behaviors....we are much more comfortable saying the not so nice things, and uncomfortable with saying the kinder, more compassionate things to ourselves.  The things that are actually true.  For example, you say that your mom shows more love to your sibling than she shows you.  Is this something you know happens for sure or does it just feel like it because of what you tell yourself?  Now, when you have an argument with your boyfriend, again, do you feel like you are the problem because of something in your own thoughts?  Because it isn't possible that you are the problem 100%...it takes two people in a relationship to either make things work or to make things fall apart.  With your dad and his choice to not have a good bond with you...that is absolutely not your fault, nor are you the problem.  In this relationship, you are the child and if your father chooses not to have a bond with you then it is his loss and he is the one that is responsible for making this happen.  He is the parent.   I am sure there is more to your situation that would take some discussing of all the issues and learning more about your background and how you view things in order to know more about how you think, but I have seen many times where people have felt these similar things and typically it begins with how they are thinking and feeling about themselves.  Working on changing your thought patterns is a big help to feeling differently in each situation.  I hope some of this answer helps you to understand why you might be thinking the way that you do....that you are the problem in each situation...but to also understand how in reality, you aren't the problem.  Changing the way that you think begins by using cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and I typically show my clients things like attachment theories to show how our childhood impacts our adult life.  Then there are things like core beliefs which are also formed and developed around what we endure as children, then they are impacted by things like trauma, so if you have ever experienced any trauma, that could also explain your views, plus just not having that bond with your father.  That seriously impacts our outlook on ourselves and our lives.  The fact that he doesn't have a bond with you may make you question why.  What is wrong with me?  Why doesn't he want to know me more?  That makes you feel down about yourself, when you shouldn't feel bad about yourself.  I hope this helps.  I wish you luck and should you want/need my help, I am here.  

Good afternoon and thank you for your inquiry.  It sounds like you have been through a lot with your father, which has led to a very complicated relationship, to say the least.  I am glad that you are reaching out now to help yourself heal and to move forward.  Have you ever sought counseling before?  While you didn't go into detail about your childhood experience, it sounds like there is a lot that needs to be processed first and foremost.  True, it might bring up some very raw and painful emotions, but will be an integral part of your healing journey.  Every therapist has their own unique process when working with clients and from what you wrote, it sounds like a lot of the work to address your goal of overcoming your guilt and letting go will not only focus on working through the experiences that you went through, but also providing you with tools to be better equipped to cope with the relationship you have with your father.  Having someone in your life who is diagnosed with bi-polar disorder as well as substance abuse issues takes a huge toll on not only their own lives, but also the lives of the people with whom they are close.  In addition to giving you the space to process everything, there are also some valuable tools you can learn when interacting with someone who has mental health and substance abuse issues.  Psychoeducation - can really help you better understand any mental health condition, which I think can be crucial for you on your journey.  This, coupled with learning strategies that you can employ to help the situation not feel as "mentally draining" will be key.  This could be where learning different mindfulness techniques and working to change your thought process could be very beneficial.  Both of which could be explored more in-depth with your therapist.  As I insinuated earlier, it is important to note that all therapists have their own orientation and could teach you other tools that are equally as beneficial.  To give you an idea, the website www.therapistaid.com has some really good resources that I would recommend taking a look at.   The other thing to really focus on is what does your support system look like?  It can feel very lonely when you don't have people to whom you can turn.  In addition to friends and family, have you ever tried any support groups, like Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families? - https://adultchildren.org I'm sure there are others too out there.  To summarize, in seeing that you feel stuck in finding the time to get the help, I think that the BetterHelp platform is a good starting point for you.  Online therapy does make the first step of "showing up" easier.  There is also no set timeline for when you can say "okay, I've let go and don't feel guilty anymore" and I think it is important to keep in mind while on this journey so as to not get discouraged if it doesn't seem like it's happening fast enough.  Good luck and I hope you're able to find the support that you are looking for.   

A lot of people struggle with "overthinking everything". People who tend to be more empathetic tend to take on responsibility for others' emotions because they feel them so strongly. Also, we tend to want to be able to "fix things" naturally, and when we're unable to, we can feel helpless and like we've failed the other person in some way. Rumination (or the repetitive negative thoughts that occur over and over again in our heads) is associated with things such as depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. A lot of times the way we interact with others is engrained in us during early childhood, so typically when I work with others, I explore that area. The relationships they had, roles in the household, etc. If you can think back to what your experiences were, you may be able to find the root cause and challenge those core beliefs. One technique you can try to begin challenging these thoughts is "Checking The Facts". This is a skill in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy for Emotional Regulation. Often there is an emotion associated with a thought. First, you will ask, "What emotion do I want to change?", then, "What event happened to trigger this emotion?", "What are my assumptions, thoughts, and interpretations (or my perception) about the what happened?", "What threat do I perceive, and is my perception plausible (is it likely to happen)?", "What catastrophe do I believe is going to happen if I believe this thought?", and "Does what I'm feeling and the intensity of emotion actually fit the facts and make the thought true?". Often times, we find that our perceptions are flawed or distorted, and through this skill, we are able to reduce the anxiety, depression, or other negative emotions we're experiencing that are associated with "overthinking" and faulty beliefs. Another thing you can do is called thought-stopping. The steps involved in this process begin with identifying the thought. For example: "It is my fault that my boyfriend is depressed". You simply acknowledge this thought. The second step is to "stop" the thought. You can do this through putting your hand up and saying "Stop!" out loud. This interrupts your thinking. The next step is to replace the thought with an alternative positive cognition, such as, "I care about my boyfriend, and I want to see him happy". I hope this information and these skills are of benefit to you, and I hope to be able to work with you soon! Best, Taylor

Hello! I am not certified in the Daring Way Method, however, I wanted to respond to your question. It sounds like there have been multiple factors in your life that have impacted your confidence and that you are experiencing increased self-doubt. Having someone to talk to, express these doubts, and challenge you and allow you to challenge yourself can be really helpful. As you mentioned, feeling stuck... therapy can help focus on the what and why of that feeling and work on ways to help you move out of that stuck feeling and back within normal functioning limits. I noticed you also mentioned feelings of guilt. I would be curious to know what that guilt is relating to, and if you are able to at this moment identify the root of the guilt and why you are feeling this way. The guilt, and issues with strength and confidence also coincide, so I feel it would be important to also focus on that feeling of guilt as that is such a strong emotion that can truly take hold of us. I would ask you to reflect on also how the death in your family has been impacting you. Has your mood shifted a lot since the death? What changes occurred that have continued to add to the every day stresses, has this impacted your confidence as well? Therapy is something that can be super helpful and beneficial, and it is not for everyone, but I would challenge you to seek it out and see if it is something you can grow and learn from, as well as benefit from. If not, then at least you tried and then would know you put in the effort to help you improve mentally and get out of that stuck headspace. That first step of starting therapy can be really hard, it is great that you proposed this question to receive feedback and potentially an answer on whether or not therapy is something you would like to move forward with. I hope this was helpful, and provided you with some encouragement to take the next step and utilizing therapy services! 

Hi there,  Thanks for your question. I am so sorry to hear about your challenges with guilt and shutdown, and also your concerns with having a clinical mental health disorder. I hope my answer is helpful and provides you with some things to reflect on.  In terms of feeling guilty, I think figuring out the root of that general emotional response could be helpful for you to figure out how to stop feeling that way about things that should not elicit such an overwhelming response. Guilt is the discomfort that we feel when we have perceived that we have done something wrong, often a result of violating our (or someone else's standards) or failing to action on something. This can result from something real and factual that actually took place or it can result from something that you just perceived or imagined that way. When we have thoughts in the latter category that we just accept as fact, they can make us feel guilt or shame or uncomfortable emotions. Guilt can be a helpful feeling when you have actually done something wrong that requires some sort of amending or responsibility, like the first category of situations. It can become unhelpful and unproductive when your thoughts stem from imagined interpretations of a scenario that then mess with your emotional state and possibly your behavior. I think it's important that when you do something that typically elicits that guilty feeling, question yourself as to "is this something that I know I absolutely messed up or that someone has shown or told me I hurt them/messed up?" If not, then you should try to challenge your thoughts a bit more. "Does me feeling guilty do anything to change the situation?" "Is this even a real, important situation or am I just construing this in my head to be a bigger thing than it needs to?" Additionally, I think it's important to explore if you have people pleasing tendencies. If you are feeling guilty over every little thing like you said, I wonder if you are not allowing your own thoughts, feelings, and wants as much weight as you give others' thoughts, feelings, and wants. You should never feel ashamed or guilty for communicating things with others that you need to and want to vocalize. You are responsible for your own feelings first and foremost.  The piece about the BPD II is definitely something to explore further. So that we are on the same page, I think you are talking about Bipolar II and not borderline personality disorder, which is often referred to as BPD. While I do not have enough information from this question to provide a whole of feedback, I can say that having a clinical mental illness can of course alter your ability to manage emotions and behavioral responses to stressful situations. If you have concerns if there is something deeper going on, I would encourage you to seek out help from your doctor or another mental health professional who could point you in the right direction in terms of a diagnosis and possible treatment plan. As a therapist, I know how valuable it can be to work through these concerns and learn new skills to cope with these challenges and different behavioral strategies to combat some of your unhelpful tendencies. I hope that you get the help you need, and wish you all the best of luck with finding some answers. Take care and be well.  Cory Bedtke, LCSW

I am so glad that you reached out for help, and that you talked with your doctor about a prescription to help with your symptoms. There is no shame in seeking out support from medical professionals, that is wisdom to know that you needed a little help! A huge part of the human experience is making mistakes, we all make them from time to time. It sounds like you have been really beating yourself up for several years about this choice that you made, and I want to offer some suggestions and support to better understand perhaps why you are “stuck” in that space of time and in your life. People who struggle with depressive and anxious symptoms (or guilt and shame) often think in terms that are global, stable, and internal. I want to break each of those terms down individually to best understand this way of thinking. These terms are kind of like a fun-house mirror. They distort and twist our thoughts, feelings and beliefs into a different version of reality that feels so real.Someone who is struggling globally thinks in terms of all or nothing. For example, they might think everything in their life is broken or damaged or destroyed because of one mistake they made. This feels like a global problem that is impacting every single aspect of their life, everywhere that they turn. But pause for a second and ask yourself – is this mistake still affecting every aspect of your life? Or are you allowing one mistake to impact and cloud everything else, even things that are positive in your life? Pause and reflect on the good things that you have going for you right now. Someone who is struggling in terms of stability, they think in terms of always and forever. Those funhouse mirror thoughts, feelings and beliefs convince us that we will always feel this way, and we will never feel better. Our stability feels like forever, that we will always be stuck in this churning loop of guilt and shame over a choice that was made. But ask yourself, there was a time when you were happy before, you can be happy again! Finally, someone who is struggling internally takes on all of the guilt, shame and blame as their own. They may even take responsibility for things that are not theirs to hold. They think that everything is their fault, and they cannot see that most situations have shades of gray, most things are not so black and white. When bad things do sometimes happen, even just by chance, they may even start to believe they deserve pain, hurt and guilt in their life. Ask yourself, do you feel you deserve to be happy? I hope the answer is a resounding, “yes!” So, what do we do with these distorted thoughts, feelings and beliefs? How do we find the happiness beyond the pain, guilt and shame of a past indiscretion? The first step is to recognize these thoughts, feelings and beliefs for what they are, a distorted version of the truth. When we know that they are distorted, we are able to challenge and ultimately change our thoughts, feelings and beliefs. We can ask ourselves, what evidence do I have to support what I am thinking, feeling and believing? If we do not have evidence to support what we are thinking, feeling or believing, we can begin to replace those distorted ideas with kinder, gentler and more forgiving ideas. If a dear friend approached you with the exact same situation, what advice would you give them? Would you tell them that they need to punish themselves for the rest of their life? Or that they deserve forgiveness? Treat yourself like that dear, treasured friend; you deserve happiness too! Forgiveness is possible, even for ourselves. It is a challenge for sure, but everyone is capable of forgiving with hard work and patience. One of the first things is to name and recognize your mistake. Write it out, tell your story and own your choice. Do not edit yourself, and do not leave any details out. Own your choice, every part of it. After that, you can begin to look at your mistake as a learning experience and an opportunity for growth. Are you a different and maybe even a better person because of the choice you made? Will you commit to not making that same kind of mistake again? Can you help someone else learn from your mistake and be a blessing to them? Can your words and support impact someone else’s life who may be facing a similar choice? There is a concept called post-traumatic growth, that basically states that we really learn to live when we can find the deeper meaning in our suffering. This was clearly a very difficult moment in your life that has impacted you profoundly. Is there a deeper meaning to the pain you have been through that you can see? Continuing to punish yourself can sometimes feel like penance or making amends, meaning if you forgive yourself, you must somehow be saying that it is okay what you did, or that you approve of your choice, when that is just not the case. Forgiveness is not approval, it is not condoning or validating the choice you made. You can forgive yourself and still not be okay with the choice that you made and wish that you could have done things differently. Forgiveness is acknowledging that you made a choice you are not proud of and acknowledging and honoring that punishing yourself for the rest of your life will not change the past, it will only make your present and most importantly, your future, unhappy. Forgiveness allows you the opportunity for growth, compassion, kindness and love to re-enter your life, for you and the people you care about. 

Guilt is a feeling people typically experience after doing something they think should or should not have done (examples include not recycling or spending too much money on oneself).  Guilt can be connected to a person’s morals and/or ethics.  People can also feel guilt overlying, cheating, or doing something illegal.  Unless another person was harmed, guilt is typically a wasted and useless emotion.  People can also be made to feel guilty by others for not doing something the other person wanted. Guilt is about blaming oneself for something that happened in the past, whether an hour before, months, or years before.  Guilt is also typically self-imposed.  Guilt is pointless because the past cannot be changed, and it is an emotion that focuses on something a person may or may not have done.  Ruminating and dwelling on the past continues to reinforce the negative and make the feelings of self-blame worse.  No good comes of this because when the thoughts that come before the self-blame are continuous and constant, the neurons in the brain are connected, and there is a path that is dug between those neurons.  The more thought and emotion are experienced, the deeper the path becomes.  The deeper the path becomes, the more the thought and emotion are experienced without being conscious of it, and the path becomes deeper, thus creating a vicious cycle. Sometimes the never-ending guilt and self-blame turn into shame.  Shaming oneself never does a person any good and can also impact their self-esteem and self-confidence—the guilt and what comes after can do internal damage to a person.  Guilt can change a person and who they are as well. Looking at the past and learning from one’s choices and decisions, and taking different paths in the future would be more productive than guilt and self-blame since the past has already happened and cannot be altered.  For example, credit card debt cannot be changed; the debt has been occurred and needs to be paid off.  Instead of guilt and self-blame, a person should look to make different decisions in the future.  Taking accountability and responsibility for one’s behavior and actions is more effective than feeling guilt or blaming oneself.

Guilt is an emotion that can be difficult to deal with for many of us because it feels so uncomfortable.  When we experience guilt, it can be somewhat confusing why it is there at times and can be helpful to question and reflect on why it is there.  Guilt can be purposeful in many ways, and it is important to recognize when guilt occurs to serve a purpose.  For example, if I steal something from a friend and then feel guilty about it, the guilt has a purpose: to learn why I stole it, come up with a plan not to steal again, and feel apologetic to my friend for stealing from them.  Without guilt, I would likely have difficulty maintaining friendships and relationships in my life because I would never actually learn from my mistakes.  Sometimes guilt can pop up for people when it does not have a purpose.  People with low self-esteem and/or deep shame within them are likely to have this type of guilt occur. Due to their shame, they tend to think that they are inherently bad and thus will feel guilty in scenarios where they did nothing wrong.  This type of guilt has no purpose and can quickly become toxic. The toxicity of that kind of guilt can lead to serious mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, among others.  For some people, guilt occurs because it has been ingrained in them. The messages we receive in our formative years of life typically stay with us throughout our lives.  When someone receives messages of being bad in their formative years of life, guilt will likely occur more often than someone that did not have that background.  For example, if someone grew up in a religion that focused on their mistakes, that will likely last throughout their lifetime and keep them focused on their mistakes, rather than some positives.  Guilt will occur for these individuals because it is how they were raised to think about themselves.  They could pick up on actual mistakes but will also likely struggle with thinking they are making mistakes when they are not.