Are my parents guilt tripping?

If you’ve ever seen the television show, Everybody Loves Raymond, you’ve seen a parental guilt trip. The mom often falls into using passive-aggressive behavior, sometimes open hostility, and complains until she gets her way on some issue. Cycles of guilt in families aren’t just funny TV fiction, though. They play out in real families regularly.

There are some common issues parents may try to guilt children for. Moving away to another city, wanting phone calls before they show up to visit, wanting more time with grandchildren, and other things can be common guilt trip points for some parents. There are lots of feelings that motivate this sort of behavior, and they’re not all bad. A parent who fears you moving away and not being a daily part of their life may fear what that will mean and overcome feelings of love for you. They may fear losing their place of importance or relevance in your life, or they may feel they’re entitled to more consideration and attention and become angry.

Guilt trips happen when a parent doesn’t know how or take time, to be honest about their feelings. It can be hard to say, “I’m afraid that our relationship will change, and you won’t need me anymore,” and easier to slip into passive-aggressive commentary about your choices.

Instead of saying, “I’m really missing you,” a parent keen on guilt-tripping may say, “I feel lonely when you don’t call me.” Never mind that the phone works both ways!

You might hear, “You don’t even want to see your mom?” Instead of an open and honest statement of, “I miss you, when can we visit again?”

Ultimately a guilt trip is an attempt to get you, the child, to take responsibility for the parent's feelings. In the short term, guilt-tripping may work. You might call or visit more often to avoid the guilt. Over the longer term, you’re likely to develop feelings of resentment toward a parent who guilts you frequently. You may find yourself shutting down, withholding information, becoming angry and lashing out, trying to set boundaries to curb the behavior, or even avoiding contact for long stretches to avoid the next guilt trip.

This situation quickly spirals out of control when you give in to the guilt again, reinforcing the cycle. Open and honest communication is the best way to stop the guilt. If you’re noticing guilt trips from your parents, try:

• Make a note of guilt and what feelings are coming
• Setting to and sticking with boundaries.
• Talking openly about how you feel with your parents.

Cultivating open communication and modeling vulnerability by sharing your feelings may not be easy, but it can help the situation. If you need support in setting boundaries, learning healthy communication, and developing other habits to navigate communication with your parents, talking with a therapist can help you sort your feelings and learn powerful skills.