What does guilt tripping look like?

If you’ve ever been in a situation with someone wherein they said and did things to try to get you to feel bad about something you did (or maybe even didn’t) do, you’ve likely experienced a guilt trip. Guilt is a powerful tool that some people learn and know how to manipulate others’ feelings and actions.

Close relationships are the ones that we’re most likely to experience a guilt trip in. These are relationships with close friends, family members, and even romantic partners. In close relationships, you’re more likely to care about what the other person thinks and feels and maybe especially prone to caring what they feel and think about you. Some clear indicators of a guilt trip are:

• Sarcasm and passive-aggressive commentary about a situation
• Brushing off or dismissing your efforts to talk about an issue
• Someone pointing out all the good things they’ve done alongside things you haven’t done
• Someone giving you the cold shoulder
• A person denying being upset or annoyed, although their actions speak to their real feelings
• The use of comments to try to appeal to your emotional side. Things like, “When you were _____, I did _____, remember?”

It’s when these things are a part of a larger pattern that guilt-tripping may be a problem. Guilt isn’t necessarily a bad thing, either. Feeling guilt about something may motivate us to make changes or handle situations differently. We can feel guilty about things we do need to change. Someone may say something that touches on that feeling but is also something that we need to hear. If you recognize a pattern of behavior, come to notice that you’re expecting to feel guilty about something after talking with a specific person, there may be a problem.

If you feel like the guilt-tripping you’re experiencing is manipulative or abusive, it may require support. Guilt-tripping can often happen in abusive relationships. Reach out for support when:

• There is a pattern of manipulation
• The person doesn’t respect your decisions and continues to pressure you
• There is a refusal to talk about issues or to change behaviors
• You recognize other manipulative behaviors in the person
• You frequently think, “I can’t do anything right!”

Talking with a therapist can help you learn how to identify guilt-tripping and other manipulative behaviors. They can also offer an unbiased third-party perspective on situations that can help you improve your communication. If you’re experiencing abuse, therapists can help you recover.