What’s guilt tripping?

Guilt-tripping is saying and doing things to create the feeling of guilt in someone else, usually to get them to do something or not do something. Imagine that you need to take a day off work after being diagnosed with flu. When you call into work and explain you have the flu and need the day off, and your supervisor says, “I worked last time I had the flu,” you’re guilt-tripped. It’s a form of manipulation designed to get a particular response from you. In this scenario with your boss, they want you to come to work no matter what.

Close relationships are the ones most prone to experiencing guilt trips, which may seem strange. People we love and care about and who we believe loves us shouldn’t want to guilt us into or out of things, but close relationships where we care what the other person thinks of us, and we care about their feelings are more likely to be places where guilt-tripping occurs.

The guilt trip may happen due to intentional manipulation, or it can be that a person isn’t skilled in communication or comfortable sharing their real feelings. Communicating honestly and openly, your boss might have said, “It’s the end of the month, and we’re trying to make our billing deadlines; you being output us in a real bind. Is there some way you can get your billing finished?”

Some people don’t know how to state needs and feelings openly and honestly. When someone communicates with you in a way that embeds a need and their feelings and hints at behavior they want you to commit, there’s likely a guilt trip involved.

One of the best ways to communicate through guilt trips is by listening carefully to the person's feelings. Using the example of a conversation with your boss, you may deduce that they’re feeling pressured about the end of the month. You will also likely understand that they want you to come to work despite being sick. Talk about those things as opposed to playing into the guilt trip.

“I can tell you’re feeling pressured about the billing. I’m contagious with flu; the whole office could get sick,” or, “If I weren’t contagious, I’d definitely be there because I know it’s billing time.” This way, you’re highlighting the actual feelings and also sticking to your needs. When you don’t communicate through a guilt trip or when you give in to it, resentment tends to build in the relationship it occurs.

Guilt is a powerful emotion, and when it’s used to manipulate your feelings and behavior, it can be a weapon. If you’re struggling with guilt-tripping in your relationships, talking with a therapist can help you build positive communication skills, identify patterns in relationships, and create boundaries to change them.