Ask a therapist > Other > How do i overcome my fear of falling in love again?

How do i overcome my fear of falling in love again?

Several months ago, my ex girlfriend walked away from our relationship after almost 2 years together. She broke my heart and now i feel scared to love again. It feels like i will never be able to have that level of intimacy again because i’m afraid of being abandoned by someone else. I don't absolutely need a significant other in my life right now, but i feel like someday i will want to pursue someone but won’t be able to find true love again.
Show more
Asked by Walt
Other
Answered
06/04/2022

Hello Walt,

Thank you for your inquiry about philophobia. Yes, that is a thing--the fear of being in love or falling in love. Anxiety in romantic relationships is normal, but having the intense fear can be an unresolved issue from the past experiences or current relationships. 

Having extreme fear can ultimately prevent you from enjoying all the good that love has to offer. If you are holding yourself back, then you might be missing out on some wonderful relationships. Getting over your fear can help you find true lightheartedness and contentedness in your life.

You can overcome that fear, but first of all, you have to grieve first and finally accept that she was not the one. Yes, it feels like you will never ever have that feeling of intimacy. But out of the blue when you're not thinking about it, someone comes along. You may not want to see this person, or think that it's never going to work but there is something there.

The first step is to move on. What do you like to do? Where do you want to be? Do the things that you love. Find "you" again and rediscover who you are meant to be in this world. Get active and be socially active. Don't isolate yourself. Remind yourself of all the achievements or the great things in your life. Practice gratitude. Every morning when you awaken, think of all the things that you should be grateful for. Say these gratitudes out loud and live by them daily. Give back to others or volunteer your time. Helping others will help you. Give yourself some space and be kind to yourself. Stick to routine and keep busy with many distractions. Turn your loss into a learning experience.

The next step is to not compare your new relationship to the one that hurt you in the past. Free yourself from thinking that everyone is the same and that the fear of abandonment will grow. Know that this new relationship is also a risk.

Lastly, know that it takes time and that there is definitely not a definitive timeline. Take things slow.

Best of luck,

Erlynn Cabarles, LCSW

(MSW, LCSW)