How to stop feeling like I'm not worth anything and I'm not good enough?

Dear Bam,

I am so glad that you reached out to ask this question.  It is important to recognize what is going on inside of our minds, our bodies and our souls.  When we know what is going on, we can more easily shift and change and move towards what we long to have in our lives. 

I hope that I can shed some light on what may be going on with your mind body and soul and help guide you into some next steps to help you to feel better in the shorter and longer term.  

I am going to be making some assumptions because of the little bit of information that you have written.  I am making these assumptions connected to being a therapist for 15 years and having seen hundreds of folks who have expressed similar things with me throughout that time. So know that I want to come alongside you and this question and am going to try my hardest to do that with the information I have from you.  

There are several things that you said that are key points that I will be focusing on.  You mentioned feeling not worth anything and not good enough.  These are powerful statements that I want to focus on for a bit.  You also said you focus on pleasing others and trying to impress others.  This is something that I am going to focus on too.  And I hope that in focusing on those two points, you can relate to what I write and what you are going through as well as give you some guidance for future change.  

First of all, I want to start with the reality that you are always trying to please everyone and trying to impress others to the point that you lose yourself sometimes.  I want to point out, that that is going to be the case for any of us if we are seeking to please others and impress them.  We will lose who we are when we are focused on making sure that we please others and or impress them.  The very nature of that reality is that WE ARE LOST in that.  I wonder if you know why you seek to please others and impress them versus show up as the person that you truly are?  

I would encourage you to take some time to think about that question.  I would encourage you to journal out some of your thoughts as well as talk this out with someone safe, why you seek to please others and impress them over seeking to be true to what you think, feel and how you want to act.  

One piece of guidance for you, as I think about you losing yourself - seek to take one step towards saying what you think, how you feel, what you need.  Take one step towards doing that and see what happens.  Seek to do that in a relationship that feels more safe and loving versus a relationship that feels like they might be hurtful towards you for having different feelings and thoughts than them.  

Seeking to listen to ourselves and not just please others is just like a muscle that you need to build.  If I wanted to lift more weights, I would have to continue to lift weights and work on building up to doing more and more.  Think of every time that you seek to express your own thoughts and feelings and seek to get what you want - you are building that muscle of being more of yourself!!

An area of research that is coming to mind is Brene Brown's work that talks about the difference between fitting in and belonging.  When we try to fit in, we will always be shifting and changing and trying to make sure that we are OK with those around us.  It is like a wild dance where we don't feel safe to be ourselves.  And then belonging is seeking to be true to ourselves, but it is truly vulnerable and scary and hard but also is the place where we get to be true to ourselves and with the right people, actually feel a sense of belonging and connection.  I wonder if you have anyone in your life that you do feel like you can be yourself?  I wonder what makes that person / people different than the other people in your life?

The second thing I want to talk about is that feeling of not worth anything and not feeling good enough.  That can be called shame.  You are ashamed of yourself for who you are, what you have done and or how you live your life.  I wonder if you have ever learned about shame and what it is and how it affects a person who lives in shame in a deep way.  I think it would be a great gift for you to learn more about shame, what it is and how it affects people as well as how to move through it so you can be more free.  

Here are two beautiful talks from Brene that I think you would benefit from:

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?language=en

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en

Many of the people that I have worked with who have both the deep desire to please others as well as feeling that they are not good enough also struggle with perfectionism.  The definition of perfectionism is: a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgment, and shame.

I wonder if you can relate to this definition of perfectionism in your life?  If you can relate, I would encourage you to read the very quick and also jam packed book called "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.  She is the leading researcher about shame and living well emotionally and in relationships, instead of getting lost in making others happy.  

Another piece of guidance that I would give you is that due to the nature of shame and how it is handed to us in relationships, it is wise to move through and out of shame in relationship with safe and wise people.  If you have friendships that are safe and loving, I would encourage you to open up about what you are going through.  If you do not have those relationships yet, in your life, I would encourage you to seek out therapy support.  For many people, these deeply ingrained beliefs that we are not good enough and seeking to please others, are not easy thought processes to change.  It takes time and repetition to seek to build into your life an ability to shift and change. 

The last piece of guidance is to dig into wise literature.  Brene also has two podcasts that are very wise and helpful.  They are called Dare to Lead and Unlocking Us.  It is helpful to get as much wisdom in our lives as we can!

I wish you the best of luck!
Paula