Is there any way around talking to a spouse about PTSD?

Hello and thank you for sending this question along for feedback. First I would like to thank you so much for having the courage and strength to reach out for help and ask this question. It is not easy putting such intimate details about our lives and our challenges out there for a stranger to weigh in on. Post-traumatic stress disorder is a very real and very difficult diagnosis to navigate and it can be exceptionally difficult to work through it and the unique challenges it causes at home, in intimate and familial relationships as well as other areas of life such as career, community and friendships. In addition to dealing with the diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, you are working on trying to better your management of your relationship with your partner to help her understand where you are while also managing healthy boundaries, as there are inevitably some things that you will need to work through independently. This isn't an easy situation to work through, I truly appreciate your willingness to learn how to do so.

Unfortunately there is no short answer to your question, “Is there a way around talking about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” with your partner. In some ways, yes you have every right to implement boundaries and discuss your need for space and independence as you navigate the diagnosis, its symptoms and effects on your day to day life. If there are challenges that you are experiencing related to what you have been through and your diagnosis, it is important that you are utilizing resources either through the Veteran’s Administration or more independently, such as through working with a therapist on BetterHelp. There will be things that you work through that simply cannot be processed and unpacked with someone you are involved in in an intimate capacity. Certain areas of treatment and recovery from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder require professional help and help from individuals whom you are not in emotional relationships with. Trying to sort out these particular areas outside of a professional setting can cause significant hardship for you and your loved ones given the fact that their feelings and needs will inevitably be a part of the equation, making it less about you and putting more pressure on you to fulfill the needs of others when ultimately you need to be focusing on yourself in this case. All that being said, it is important you have a space that is only yours where you can work through difficult and traumatic experiences, develop coping skills and be able to truly process the things you have been through during your deployments.

Now on the other hand, it is also important to understand that there is work that needs to be done to maintain, rebuild or strengthen bonds in the intimate partnerships that you have in your life. If your partner is expressing that there are things that are missing in the relationship, or feels that you are distant and not the person they knew prior to deployment, then this is an issue that does need attention. It is also a separate issue than (though related and affected by) the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. While they both affect one another, they will likely need their own separate spaces in order to be helped and healed as best as possible. This may mean couple’s therapy, or conscious work and effort to improve your bond and maintain loving, respectful communication with one another. There are ways to set healthy boundaries in a way this is not going to push your partner away but rather allow them to understand and accept that there are things they cannot be a part of. Couples therapy may help them understand that the relationship is safe and they can trust that you will reach out to them when you need them, though they cannot be in control of every part of your journey.

At the end of the day, this is not something that can be ignored or worked around. It does need to be addressed head on but it also is something that you have control over, as it is your diagnosis, your experience and your journey. I think a combination of individual therapy and couples therapy as well as potentially higher levels of care for any trauma stress symptoms you are experiencing can truly help you as you work through the healing and recovery process from this diagnosis.