What can I do to help myself not get so angry over my husband's drinking problem?

Solove, 

 

I am sorry to hear that your husband is struggling with alcoholism. When someone you love is ill, it will impact you negatively, so feeling angry is understandable. I realize that watching someone hurt themselves makes you feel powerless because you can't make your husband do the right thing for himself, and it is probably tough for you to show empathy when he is the one hurting himself. 

 

It is psychologically damaging to see a person you love deteriorating daily and know that you are helpless gnaws away at most loved ones. You probably ask yourself daily how to help him? How do you show support without enabling him? How do I take care of my needs and still be present and supportive? You probably feel like you have done everything to be helpful and probably made some excuses for him. The difference between alcoholism and cancer is that alcoholism has a considerable stigma. Alcoholism is nonetheless a disease that plagues millions of American and kills. 

 

One of the side-effects of drinking is that it destroys social interactions and endangers the sufferer's ability to maintain a job and be part of the community. All your attention is probably focused on what he does or does not do, and you feel alone, weighed down with responsibilities, neither loved nor valuable. Alcoholism affects the sufferer and attacks the spouse and makes it difficult for you to feel well. 

 

How to get out? Changing your attitude might make the atmosphere healthier for the whole family, including your husband. Because you have to accept the obvious: you have no power over his alcohol problem. No one can help a person get out of it despite themselves, and all you can do is help him realize what he's putting you through.

Talk to him, therefore, when he hasn't been drinking, without anger, without trying to make him admit that he has a problem with alcohol, to express your anxiety, your needs, and your hopes—lessons and reproaches only fuel denial and guilt… which lead to more drinking.

 

Encourage him without dictating. Another mistake frequently made: infantilizing the alcoholic. You might believe you are helping him by relieving him of all responsibility, which pushes him down a little more. You take care of the shopping, pick up the children from school. All of a sudden, your husband will feel even more devalued.

Your role is to encourage him, not dictate what he should do, accompany him, and not carry him. It is undoubtedly the most difficult. Leaving him to fend for himself is often frightening, like not helping someone in danger. However, you must accept that he does not need you as much as you think. Because the more you pamper him, the less he will be encouraged to make efforts. The disease corresponds to a loss of limits. He wants his cake and eat it too.: all the benefits of the relationship and continuing to drink, all the benefits of alcohol without the addiction. Sacrificing yourself doesn't help him at all. 

 

You must set limits, even a request: "There are behaviors that I cannot support." You must keep alcohol at a distance and go towards life to possibly give him the desire to join you there. Which sometimes means leaving. He might then become aware of the damage caused by his consumption. But you should never become abstinent for him, even if it is not to lose your relationship. I don't want to sound like a cliche or trite; however, he will have to hit rock bottom to be able to tap his foot and come back up. One day, he has to realize that he can choose between dying, ending up in a psychiatric hospital, or treating himself.

 

When he decides to stop drinking, you will be able to help him by showing him confidence and understanding, supporting relapses without panicking, and helping him regain his place within your family. 

The alcoholic disease leans against the frailties of others.

 

It is difficult for you to admit that he has a problem and will not get better even if you urge him to contact better. He has to admit that he has an issue that has become unmanageable, and he has to accept that his behavior is impacting him and you and the rest of his family. However, you must also come out of denial and become aware, by admitting to yourself: "I am sick of his alcoholism."

 

I am not implying that you are codependent; however, it is often the case. I would also encourage you to seek out support from Al-Anon so that you can build a community with people who have and are experiencing the same ordeal as you. Talking about your anxiety will relieve it and allow you to take a step back so as not to sink with your husband but also to understand that sobriety does not magically mark the end of all troubles. It's a way to get better, but you don't instantly get out of several years of suffering. I also recommend that your husband went to alcoholic anonymous to be encouraged by alcoholics and supported to quit. 

 

Alcoholism is a medical problem, and your husband should speak to his medical doctor about it and receive therapeutic services to help him address the reasons that drove him to drink in the first place. 

I would like to invite you to reach out to me as I take on new patients. There are over 20000 therapists on BetterHelp, and you are bound to match with someone who will be a good fit. Thank you for having the courage to ask this question, and I wish you well.