What does it mean when you're constantly thinking / dreaming about someone ?

Hello.  

I am glad that you are reaching out and seeking to understand what is going on inside of your mind body and soul because you are dreaming and thinking about this particular girl.  I can see how this is frustrating to keep thinking of this girl and not knowing why as well as not being able to change this pattern.  

So let's start with why this might be happening. 

I want to share some thoughts of what might be going on for you.  Some of what I am sharing with you may apply, and some may not.  So please seek to dig into what applies to your story and if it does not that is OK too.  Humans have many different realities.  

First of all, thinking can become ruminating which is obsessive, constant and repetitive thinking.  A good descriptor can be our minds on a hamster wheel, just running around in a circle.  

I want you to know that it can be very normal for people to have ruminating thoughts about others.  And it can be a way that we work through the struggles of letting go of some sort of pain.  The struggle comes when the coping skills that we use don't work to help us to move forward.  We will talk more about coping skills in a few minutes. 

Secondly, we as humans are wired to need connection.  We are hard wired for connection and that is deeply ingrained in our central nervous system.  Because of that, we are going to get deeply connected and when relationships break off for some reason or another, that connection, the thoughts, the feelings, the hopes, and dreams are still a part of us.  And we need to work through what all of those thoughts and feelings and hopes and dreams, connection or lack of connection are like now.  

And one way that our bodies deal with all of these feelings is to sit with the thoughts and feelings and hold onto them, think about them and that person over and over.  

One reason that many people spin on the thoughts of someone in their life is because of what the relationship was like.  There is a deep nostalgia of what there was and the hope and dream of what could be in the future too.  That longing to have what you had in the past, can make our brains spin on that person, that longing.  That spinning can be a way that our body wants to be back to those good feelings that you had in that season, with that person. 

It is very important to note that if the relationship ended with rejection, that is very painful and can bring about those spinning thoughts.  When a relationship ends and you don't want it to, that can really add to the body's struggle with ruminating.  There may be many different aspects of the relationship that need to be dealt with and moved through connected to the loss.  That can bring about the spinning thoughts.  

Another reason that your mind may be spinning is because of unresolved issues.  Is there something within this relationship with this particular girl that feels unresolved?  Is there something you wish that you could talk about or deal with in that relationship, and it is not happening for whatever reason?  That could be a reason for spinning.  If there is a possibility to deal with that issue, I would recommend you ask for that opportunity. If resolving this issue with the person is not possible, it can be very helpful to write a very honest and emotional letter to that person, saying what you wish you could say and then doing with the letter whatever feels right ... burning it, ripping it up, saving it for a future date to read it again, etc. 

Another reason that people spin about someone, especially someone new or someone that they don't know too greatly, is because they are thinking about dreaming of the potential, the hope, the dream of being with them.  The hope of what could be.  So I know that you said, you have a history with this girl, so I am not sure if this could be a part of the spinning for you. 

Another reason that people's thoughts get stuck on a person, is because of who you were at that time with that person.  If you liked who you were, what you were like, what you did, how you lived life at that time, when you were connected to that person, that can make a person spin and continue to be connected to that person in their mind.  It can be connected to the longing for what was, for who you were.  

The last reason that I wanted to share with you about why you could be spinning is connected to the challenge that it is to feel lonely.  Sometimes, when we have had a good connection with a person, when that relationship is over, it is very painful to feel the loss and loneliness that naturally comes from that loss.  So instead of sitting with the loneliness, our bodies just spin on the person that took away that loneliness for us.  If that is connected to the reason for your spinning, I would recommend, you work hard at connecting to people that you enjoy their company and have fun and connect well with.  

Now I want to transition to some ideas about how to move forward from spinning on thoughts of this particular person.  Please know that each of these ideas may not be what you need, and I hope that you have an open mind to them so you can find what is going to help you the most.  Seek to do each one of these coping skills and see if they work for you. 

First of all, I challenge you to be kind to yourself about this struggle.  Many times when we are struggling with something, we shame ourselves.  We put ourselves down for what we are doing and then it gives that struggle even more power.  I want to encourage you to be kind to your body that it is spinning on this girl and trust that you will move through this struggle in time.  It also can add to the spinning when you are trying to figure why you are spinning.  It is OK to question it and look into it and you may not find an answer so then seek to be kind to yourself that this is what your body needs to do for a reason.  

Another skill that is important, maybe even necessary, is seeking to feel the feelings connected to not being connected to this person.  Seek to be angry, sad, disappointed, grieve, feel lonely, lost, confused, etc.  Allow yourself to feel the emotions that are connected to the loss of connection with this gal.  

One skill that I recommend is using a journal to get out your thoughts and feelings and to help you get out of your head all that is happening.  Journaling has been proven to be just as effective as a counseling session.  So seek to utilize this skill to aid you in moving forward. 

Another idea is to make sure to also notice and appreciate and say thanks for the things that this person and that relationship brought to your life.  Seek to notice those things and to appreciate them.  

Release the anger and resentment.  If you are full of these emotions, seek to let them go by seeking to forgive yourself and or the gal so you can move forward.  Anger and resentment can fuel spinning. 

Another skill that some people have found very effective is setting aside a time each day or every other day to think of that person.  So when you want to think about them, say to yourself that you can think about that person tomorrow at 12pm.  And then make yourself think about them for a set amount of time at that established time.  

Another important factor is making sure to take care of yourself.  Make sure that you are taking time and energy to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, spiritually.  Seek to make effort, time and money towards yourself and your well being.  And one way to do that, that is very important, is staying connected to people that are wise and safe and good.  

Lastly, I want to encourage you to seek out professional help if you feel that trying these skills has not given you the relief that you long for.  You may find that someone else's direction is exactly what you need to move forward.

I hope that you have gained some insight into what is going on for you through my sharing today!  And I wish you the best of luck!
Paula